Five Mistakes People in Debt Crisis Tend to Make

When people find themselves in a debt or financial crisis there are five typical behaviours that may occur. In this 13 minute video, Julie Christiansen, the Anger Lady shares those five blunders, and what you can do to avoid them.

To get your name on the list for this e-book when it launches, visit www.juliechristiansen.com and send in a request form with DEBT EBOOK in the subject line. Yours in reclaiming financial stability,

Julie

Anger Solutions for the Holidays

Oh the weather outside is frightful but the fire is so delightful... Yes, that sounds very romantic and idealistic in the lyrics of a song, but the truth is that often, while the weather outside might indeed be frightful, the climate indoors when families come together is not much better.

I don't know why exactly, but I have heard it over and over again that the holidays seem to bring out the worst in some families. Here are jus some of the things my clients and customers have relayed to me about holiday gatherings - and I'm not making this stuff up:

• I hold my anger in all year until right about Christmas time - and then when the whole family gets together, usually someone says something that is like, "the last straw", and I just explode! I lambaste the whole family and then I'm good for another year.
• Every time our family gets together, it always becomes a contest about who was treated the worst, who had the most unhappy childhood, and who was daddy's favourite.
• I hate family get togethers - my brother always says something unsavoury or rude, and it just ruins the whole thing!
• I would rather spend Christmas on the other side of the world, alone - than spend it with my family. They make me feel so unloved and unwanted.

That's pretty depressing, isn't it! Yet, a vast majority of people reading this can relate, and may even be nodding their heads in agreement with some of the above statements! So - how do we get through the holidays unscathed? Here are some tips for surviving holiday stress and beating holiday anger - the Anger Solutions way.

1. Remember the reason for the season. The holidays are not about presents. They are not about airing family grievances. They are not even about the turkey and the trimmings. The holidays are about honouring your faith, and spending quality time with the ones that you love as you celebrate. Keep your focus on the reason why your family is coming together, rather than all the horrid memories of Christmases past.
2. Consider your desired outcomes. We teach this until we're blue in the face with Anger Solutions: your events PLUS your responses equal your outcomes. The challenge is that too often, we don't pre-consider what outcomes we would like to achieve. Ask yourself: "How would I like this Christmas or holiday gathering to turn out?" "What's the best way to ensure that my outcomes are realized?" Decide in advance, what measures you can take to do an end-run around those who would attempt to derail your plans. My number one priority outcome is always to create great memories. If that is your priority outcome, how can you make that happen? That brings us to our next strategy:
3. Solicit partners in positive outcomes. Do you like the ring of that? Partners in positive outcomes. Talk to your family members BEFORE your big event. Be honest about your misgivings and state your expectations. Go beyond asking questions about who is bringing the sweet potatoes or the dessert. It might sound something like this: "So Christmas dinner is at our house this year, and I know we all want to have a really great time. What I'm hoping for is that we can all put aside any of the family stuff that we deal with all the rest of the year, and just really enjoy each other's company."
4. If there is a particular family member who tends to be the instigator, prepare a plan for how you will deal with this individual's behaviour. You may want to be proactive, and address them prior to the get-together in the hopes that they will agree to be on their best behaviour. Another approach is to call them on their behaviour as soon as they begin with their typical antics. Do this by calling them aside privately - no need to embarrass them or the rest of the family. Very gently and compassionately identify the behaviour that is problematic and request that they discontinue the behaviour for the rest of the evening. E.g. "Mom, I know that you want to be involved in the preparation of the food, and I'm grateful that you're here to help, but when you openly criticize my cooking in front of the family, I feel minimized and belittled. I'm guessing that others here might feel uncomfortable when that happens as well. I'm sure you don't mean to do that, but that is how I feel all the same. So I'm asking you if you would be kind enough to keep your criticisms to yourself for the rest of the night - I would really appreciate that." Other approaches may be to ban the "meddling" instigators from the kitchen under the premise that they deserve to relax and mingle while the last minute preparations are taken care of. This always works better when two or more people deliver the same message.
5. Be prepared for awkward moments. If you follow this blog, then you know you have seen the TSA model before, but it will really help you if you find yourself experiencing a frustration signal during your family get togethers. Here it is again in a nutshell: THINK - What is happening? What does it mean? How do I feel about it? How would I like this to be resolved? What should I do next? SAY - "I feel... I need... I would like... " Here's a little tip - rather than saying, "Please don't" - identify the exact behaviour that you would like to see instead. It keeps the conversation positive, and also clarifies your expectations for the other person. ASK - "Can you see where I'm coming from?" "How can we work together to help everyone have a really great time tonight?" Get the other individual involved in the problem solving process and you will get through even the awkward moments - AND you'll do it together.
6. Develop a structure for the evening. It doesn't have to be a fully programmed dinner party; however, it may be more enjoyable and less stressful if you have a basic idea of how the evening will flow. Here's an example:

- start with appetizers of course - people can mingle, listen to music, get caught up with each other while the last minute meal prep is being taken care of. Ensure that the beverages and finger foods are NOT in the kitchen area, so you can minimize traffic through your workspace. You may want to have some space set aside for the kids/youth in the family so that they can hang out, play games, watch TV or socialize while they wait for the food to be served as well. Once dinner is over, the designated cleanup crew clears the tables and gets them prepped for dessert. You may want to bring out some games (quiet ones at this point) - card games, chinese checkers, battleship, etc. for people to play. There are of course lots of new fun games on the market that engage conversation, and can be played by a large number of people. These are ideal to hel people stay focused on having fun, rather than wanting to bring up old family grievances. If there is a time for gift giving, designate a time for this as well.

I trust you will find this advice helpful as you prepare to go full steam ahead into the holidays. Above all else, remember the reason for the season - that is my first and last piece of advice to you. Have a Merry Christmas, a Happy Holiday, and above all, be blessed!

Do Workplaces Need Anger Management or Anger Solutions?

Here is a re-posting of some interesting observations on workplace anger from Frank Szivos, contributing writer to Westport Minuteman.com, "Is letting off steam in the workplace allowed?"Posted: 04/09/2009

A recent Gallup poll showed that anger is becoming one of corporate America's biggest problems. In the poll, two of every ten employees admitted being angry enough to "hurt" a co-worker. Mis-managed anger is exploding more frequently in the workplace.

Organizations can generate strong emotions among workers who are working in a competitive environment. In some instances, anger is not always a bad thing. Workers who care and are invested in projects or their job will feel strongly about how things are done. While flare ups are expected, the workplace is experiencing more serious chronic emotional issues.

On bad days, due to the disagreements and resentments brewing in the office, it's amazing that any work gets done at all. The situation can grow tenser among corporations and businesses when it occurs between upper management and subordinates. When the boss is angry, employees can catch the fallout, leaving them resentful and angry with little recourse to express their emotions.

Victoria Brescoll, a professor of Management at Yale School of Management, has found that anger management can be even more frustrating for women, who often aren't given equal status on the job.In the workplace, women are less expected to express anger. If they do, they can be labeled as "difficult," Brescoll notes. Anger is more identified as a male emotion."There are a lot of negative consequences when women get angry at work," Brescoll said. "In general, women have less status and respect on the job. Data shows that women are less likely to express their anger in the office, and men are less likely to express other emotions, such as fear or sadness."
Because of the recession and cut backs in staff, individuals are more likely to hang onto jobs where they are experiencing frustration, but see no other options at this time. Dissatisfaction can create a hair trigger environment.

Anger typically flares because of one or all three basic trigger beliefs:
*An employee thinks a situation is unfair. As an example, the worker has to stay late and believes others don't.
*It's happening to me only. Workers feel suggestions or efforts are ignored or they're singled out negatively.

*They feel powerless. It's too difficult to make headway against the current of the work culture.
It's natural to feel anger and frustration. (However, beware if you're chronically angry, which can stem from emotional issues). With so much work to do, little downtime, and many different personalities, conflicts are bound to occur on the job. The occasional flare-up is one thing, but a workplace that is seething is quite another.

You can read the whole article at http://www.zwire.com/site/news.cfm?BRD=1654&dept_id=57100&newsid=20295107&PAG=461&rfi=9

My thoughts:

Quite right... a workplace that is seething is not a fun place to be, and can in fact be quite dangerous. A 1994 study found that Canada is the 4th most dangerous country in which to work - this study has never been refuted. Workplace anger continues to rise in part because of frustration, stress, feeling overused and underappreciated, overworked and underpaid - the list goes on. Add to that the pressures of today's financial climate, and we have a potentially explosive situation.

So here are some tips from an Anger Solutions perspective for whenever you are faced with an anger-inducing situation, use this model for problem solving.

THINK - what is happening? what does it mean? how do I feel about it? how would I like this problem to be resolved? what is the best option for resolution? what is the best/worst thing that can happen if I respond with this option?

SAY - talk to the people or person involved in the situation. Be sure to separate the person from the problem. Speak about the issues - do not lay blame or place judgement. Talk about how you feel - not how other people "make you feel". Be clear about how you would like to solve the problem and how the other person can engage with you in the solution.

ASK - ask for a response. "Do you understand where I'm coming from?" - "How can we work together to ensure this doesn't happen again?" Ask questions that are empowering and assume that you can, in fact, achieve a positive outcome.

Keep working through this TSA model until you have reached an agreement or you agree to disagree.

Release residual anger - go for a walk, take a break from your work space, squeeze a stressball, or go to the gym after work and release the energy there. This will help your physiology and your emotional state to return to baseline. Then you won't be carrying around negative energy that can compound over time and contribute to a chronically toxic or angry workplace.
Want to learn more about Anger Solutions? Visit http://www.angersolution.com/faqs.php for more information.

Drowning in Debt? So was I...

Solutions for Sinking in Debt
It wasn't that long ago that my husband and I were sinking deep in debt. We owed $248,000. We were homeless. He was jobless. We had lost our house, our car, our social status, and our sense of who we were as a couple.

We call those days the "Dark Ages". It was 12 years ago that our life fell apart - and we found ourselves starting over with absolutely nothing but faith, hope, and love.

Imagine yourself, a young couple still in your 20's, with three young kids to take care of, and nowhere to call your own. Imagine having no money for first and last month's rent, and no one to buy the house you can't afford to keep. Imagine wondering if you will have to sleep in the car - wait a minute... you sold that to pay down your debt. Imagine... looking around your community and wondering where would be a safe place for you and your family to stay.I

magine applying for government assistance only to have them tell you they can't help - your mortgage payments are too high - your house is worth too much. See yourself trying to explain that the house value is dropping by the day, and you can't attract any buyers.

Hear the welfare worker apologize and say she wishes she could help - here's a few hundred dollars for groceries and diapers. After that, you're on your own.

Imagine not knowing where to go for help. And imagine yourself trying to keep up the pretense of "everything being okay" to the outside world, while your life is shattering into pieces around you.

This was our story. Perhaps it is your story too. Debt has a way of pushing you down, oppressing you until you feel you can't breathe. I have written an E-Book that shares our story, and shows you how in less than 6 years, we were able to become entirely debt free so we could re-build our life. I wrote the E-Book because I remember how lost we were. And how proud we were. We didn't want people to know what we were going through or how bad it was.

We were embarrassed that we were losing everything we had worked so hard for. We were afraid of what it would mean if people found out.

That fear prevented us from reaching out, asking for help, doing research, and a host of other things that could have saved us from financial ruin. I hope that by sharing our story and showing you the steps we took to save ourselves, that you will learn from our mistakes, follow the advice we share, and avoid the heartache that we experienced.

If you're in the thick of it right now, fill out the form on this page and put your name on the wait list for the E-Book. If you need the E-Book, don't worry, it isn't going to cost you an investment of $179 like some other "get rich quick" folks will charge you. Not $99, or even $59. You will be able to get this E-Book for less than $10.

I want the E-BOOK (Economic Crisis)

For Email Marketing you can trust

Why am I doing this? Why am I offering it so cheap? Because I know what it is like to have to choose between a pair of stockings and a bag of milk for the kids. I know what it is like to have to pray that money will come from somewhere, anywhere - to help us from situation to situation. I know that if you REALLY need this E-Book, it would be wrong to ask you to sacrifice $179, $99, or even $59 when you could use that for next week's groceries.

So why am I charging you anything at all? Why not just give it to you for free? Because I also know that when you pay for something, it demonstrates your need, as well as your willingness to follow through. It means you are taking ownership for your problem, AND you are showing your commitment to finding a solution. So don't worry - it is affordable, and it is filled with sound advice from one who was once buried in the trenches, and fought her way out.

Contact me today. Let me know you want a copy of the new E-Book and I'll be sure you are at the head of the pack when the E-Book is released in about 10 days time.Your partner in creating lasting solutions,

Julie Christiansen

I want the E-BOOK (Economic Crisis)

For Email Marketing you can trust

Anger Solutions RePost: You are a Gun, With a Twist

I always marvel at that slogan: "Guns don't kill people... People kill people". Yeah - that's true, but all too often, people kill people - using guns!

Note the original of this photo is courtesy of http://www.firstmonkeyinspace.com/store/cpshop.cgi/designs/firstmonkey/6052781).

Early in my book, Anger Solutions, I use the analogy of "triggers". We all have triggers that people or situations can pull (or buttons people can push) that sets of a chain of reactions in our thoughts, words, and actions. Does that mean that when people push your buttons, or pull your triggers, that you have to fire? This distinction became clearer for me during a coaching session some time ago. It occurred to me that my client always seemed to correlate his behaviours with what people do. It's always someone's fault - if only things weren't so stressful, if only people would do what he wanted them to, if only he weren't under so much pressure from his clients... he wouldn't be so aggressive and intimidating. He also has made it quite clear that he can turn off his aggressive behaviour style when he is with certain people, but it comes out full swing with others.

So I had to ask: "Do you believe that other people are responsible for what you do?"I gave him this as homework to think about... What you do is not a function of people or situations around you; what you do is a function of your choice.

You may be like a gun, with triggers that can set you off, but the twist is that you are a human being - not an inanimate object. You cannot be manipulated into firing, unless you allow yourself to be. You ultimately make the choice to be aggressive, to be threatening, or to be intimidating, just as much as you make the choice to be nice, passive, or to "kiss butt". Very often people make these choices unconsciously or automatically - they do not realize that they are in control.

A large part of the Anger Solutions program is to wake people up to the realization that they are in control of what they think, do, or say - even when their hot buttons are being pushed.So the next time someone or something pushes your buttons - remember, you are a gun with a twist.

You can make a choice about how you respond based on the following factors:
* what is really happening
* what it means to you now and what it will mean in the future
* what kind of outcome you would like to see come from this event (e.g. do you want to go to jail for assault or would you like to resolve the situation assertively?)
* how important is the person (or the people) involved in this situation, and how would your like your relationship to progress from this point? Your choice of behaviour will determine where it goes from here.

Remember this the next time you decide to fire at will. Guns kill people. People kill people too. You are both a gun AND a person with the power of choice. Choose wisely.

Anger Solutions Train the Trainer Nov.18-20/09

This is your last opportunity to register for the Fall iteration of Anger Solutions Train the Trainer course. Click on the photo to enlarge it - right click and "Save Target As..." to your computer so you can print it out. This course is designed for group facilitators who are looking for cost-effective training that has teeth and longevity. Teeth - because this program works. The documented success rate for Anger Solutions grads (those who complete the group or individual coaching) has never dipped below 80% in 12 years - this far surpasses any other anger "management" program on the market. Longevity - because as a Certified Trainer, you can train other staff in your agency as well as in your community; thereby ensuring the program's lifespan within your agency. No more worries about high turnover, a sick facilitator, scheduling problems, or lateral moves within the organization. With several of your staff trained by you in AS, someone will always be available to jump in. Call 1-866-754-6169 TODAY to get registered!

Domestic Violence and Murder in Florida - Was it Anger?

This just in: Fla. mother slain with five children had been warned of danger by friend
This story was Submitted by SHNS on Mon, 09/21/2009 - 13:09
By LESLIE WILLIAMS, Scripps Howard News Service
national

Marie Aimee lay awake, replaying old conversations with her best friend in her head. "We always said, 'Guerline, if he tries to kill you, just leave him,'" Aimee said. "Don't let him kill you."
Police told a family member Guerline Damas' husband, Mesac Damas, did just that, slitting her throat and that of their five children.
Saturday night at 8:30, Aimee got a phone call she had dreaded receiving for the nine years she knew Guerline Damas.
Damas was dead, and worse, her five children were found dead with her. Mesac Damas, 33, the father and "person of interest" in the case is believed to be in Haiti following a Friday morning flight out of Miami.
... She said she had been telling Guerline Damas for years to leave her husband, whom she married two years ago after the birth of their fourth child together, Megan, 3. The other four children were Michzach, 9; Marven, 6; Maven, 5; and Morgan, 11 months.
They had married two years ago.
... They went to an anger management class together on Wednesday... On Friday, Guerline Damas failed to show up for work.
The employee said that when reached, Mesac Damas said his wife was sick and was on her way to the hospital.
Collier County Clerk of Court records show a history of domestic violence charges against Damas' husband involving Guerline Damas and some of her children. Records show there also was a charge filed against Guerline Damas, with her husband listed as the victim, but it was dropped.
In a Sunday press conference, Sheriff's Office officials said they had received calls about disturbances in the Dieu-Damas home as far back as 2000. January 2009 was the only time deputies had enough evidence to arrest Mesac Damas, however. Officials said the couple had been together for 10 years.
Marie Aimee said Mesac Damas was physically violent, as well as controlling.
"Sometimes he was breaking down everything in the house," Aimee said. "He was always getting her money and spending it on nothing."
Up to 10 million children experience domestic violence every year and more than three women are murdered by their partners every day in the United States, according to Family Violence Prevention Fund statistics.
Oberhaus said the majority of domestic violence relationship murders occur when the woman has decided to leave or shortly thereafter, and that it is important to establish a safety plan to prevent such tragedies from occurring.

Naples Daily News staff writer Matt Clark contributed to this story.
(Leslie Williams is a reporter for the Naples Daily News in Florida.)
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I have said it before and I'll say it again: it is time to STOP assuming that when a man exerts his physical power over a woman or her children that it is an anger issue. Anger management will NOT save these women from their abusive partners.

Domestic violence is not an anger issue. This is about power and control - poor self-mastery skills on the part of the abuser. You ask an abuser what it is about - if he were completely self-aware and honest with himself, he would say, "It is about making you feel small so I can feel strong. It is about me forcing you to love me, to stay with me, to take care of me, to please me, because I do not feel that I could deserve that love any other way. I'm not angry, I'm scared. Scared that you'll leave me. Scared of what that will say about me. I'm scared that I can't change and I can't stop. I'm scared of the monster that I have become. But I can't blame me, so I'll blame you. If only you would do what I want, have sex when I want, shut those kids up, put dinner on the table when I want it, quit your job because your independence makes me feel insecure... if you would do all of that I wouldn't have to beat you. But then even if you do all of that, the fact that you have self control and I don't - that says negative things about me too. I hate myself but I'm too much of a coward to hurt myself, so I'll hurt you instead. At least then, I feel powerful, and I feel in control."

Please, please, please, crown attorneys, district attorneys, family lawyers, and judges - please stop sending these men with mile-long rap sheets for domestic violence to anger management classes. Send them to programs for men who batter, and get their families away from them before it is too late.