4 Ways to Keep Anger from Wrecking Your Marriage

Call me old-fashioned, but I truly believe that when you marry, it should be with the intention of being with that partner for life. Sometimes I feel like my husband and I are a dying breed of dinosoars who can only stand by as our contemporaries drop like flies. In the year that I got married (1988), I attended at least 5 other weddings - I believe there were at least 8 couples in my circle of friends that married that same year. Out of that group, I can think of only 3 couples that are still together - including myself and my hubby. Several of those marriages broke up within the first 5 years.

It makes me sad to think that people can fall in love, and choose to spend life together, but as soon as challenges come up, they choose to walk away rather than staying together and working through each issue. It also occurs to me that most couples who split experience a great deal of anger and animosity throughout the breakup process. I'll guarantee you that the anger they are openly showing at the end was there for a long time, but they didn't feel safe in expressing their true feelings.

We know that anger exists, and that it is a basic emotion that is part of the human construct. It doesn't "go away" when we ignore it, and it is an emotion worthy of expressing. If left unchecked and unexpressed, anger can become like a bitter herb that sours the taste of everything you experience. It is like a weed that chokes the joy and excitement out of every experience. It will colour every interaction you have with your spouse - it dilutes trust, and spreads seeds of doubt everywhere - to the point that you can no longer make the distinction between genuine love and feigned affection. So what can we do about this problem? Here are 4 quick tips - ways to keep anger from wrecking your marriage or partnership.

Number ONE:
Openly discuss how you will communicate with each other when you are feeling angry. Set the parameters for that discussion when you are both calm and level-headed. The physiology of anger puts us in a state that is not conducive to making clear decisions with an eye for future consequences, so it is best to decide on how you will deal with anger BEFORE it occurs. Talk about the kinds of things that might spark anger, and how you can help each other to keep anger-inducing situations to a minimum in the relationship.

Number TWO:
Think before you act. This sounds like a no-brainer piece of advice but it amazes me how many couples take this forgranted. For example, I remember one friend exploding in fury at her partner for making a major buying decision without involving her. They had not discussed the idea, and he had not expressed his desire for the item to her - but just went out and bought it. Needless to say, the conversation didn't go well. In her mind, he hadn't considered her needs or the needs of their infant daughter, and he didn't respect her enough to ask her how he should spend their money... In his mind, why shouldn't he go out and make a purchase if it was a good deal and would have some benefit to the family? Had he taken a moment to call her BEFORE the purchase, and talk about his reasoning for wanting to do it now, the outcome might have been different. So take this one seriously - guys and girls alike! Talk to your partner/spouse about what you're thinking. Ask yourself, "what could happen if I do what I want to do?" - "What is the worst thing that could happen? What is the best thing that could happen? Is this worth getting into a fight over?" If you consider the consequences and possible outcomes BEFORE you act, and make an informed decision, your outcomes will always be better.

Number Three:
Never play on opposing teams. When you enter into a marriage, partnership, or common-law situation, you are choosing your team. No matter what the issue, whether it is the house, the job, the kids, the dog, the cat, or the hydro bill, you MUST remember that you are playing for and fighting for the same team and you are on the same side. It is rare to see team members self-destruct on the baseball diamond or on the hockey rink and start fighting each other. They understand that in order to win, they must play together, and stand up for each other. Marriage is just like that. When you are fighting about how to raise your kids, remember that these are YOUR kids - you made them together, and you are raising them together. Your end goal is not to screw them up for life; it is to help them become responsible, contributing members of society. You are on the same team. When you look at it this way, it becomes easier to stay focused on the issue so that you can solve it together, rather than resorting to attacking the person for his/her beliefs or personality flaws. Never lay blame where it doesn't belong. You would be better to take responsibility for your own shortcomings, and trust your partner to do the same for his/hers. Even if you think you are justified in laying blame, go back to point number two: will saying, "It's your fault" make the situation better or worse? It might be better to ask, "Now that we are faced with this problem, what can we do together to fix this?" Work together - play for the same team - fight for the same army. Your marriage and your kids will thank you for it.

Number Four:
Be open and honest about your feelings. I'm not sure why, but it seems to get harder for some couples to share their feelings with each other - the longer they are together. You would think it would get easier, but not so. The fact is that in order for a relationship to work, there must be open communication about everything, not just about who is going to pick up Suzie from daycare, and who should take out the trash. When you're talking about the things that matter, it is imperative that you share how you feel, and what you want. If you don't say these things, your spouse will not be able to read your mind - no matter how long you've been together. You need to take responsibility for your wants, needs, thoughts, opinions, and feelings - and share them with your partner. S/he needs to do the same. Remove all doubt, and just say it like it is. Remember to OWN your feelings - don't lay blame (see previous item) and say, "You make me..." - just say, "I feel... I need... I want... I think..." This is called "sharing", folks, and if you remember - you used to do this all the time when you were dating. This is why you felt so connected, and why you decided to go ahead and make it official. Now that you are together in a "committed" relationship - you can't toss those communication tools out the window. You need them more than ever.

You'll notice that one word keeps re-occuring in this article: the word BEFORE. Ensuring that your marriage stays anger-proof is all about being proactive. If you anticipate what challenges could throw a monkey wrench into your relationship, and attack it head on before it creeps up on you, you have a much better chance of preserving your marriage partnership. Openness, honesty, vulnerability, and humility are all keys to making a marriage work. Most marriages fail due to lack of communication - so get those lines open, and keep them open. Stuffing your anger inside will only cause you to become sick, bitter, and lonely in your marriage - and will inevitably send you looking elsewhere for the love you lost. Truth is: the love you lost is in your house, probably stuffed under a sofa cushion, or tucked away in a box of love letters in the basement. It is there - and has been all along. By opening up your communication, and planning to play together, you can get it back before it's too late.

Five Things Parents Should Never Do When They're Angry

Moms and Dads – you know better than anyone how your kids can be sweet as honey one minute, and then driving you to the edge of insanity in the next. It is vital for parents to remember that their responsibility is to raise their kids to be productive, contributing members of society. So, when we get angry at our kids, even when it is justified, we have to be careful that we don’t say or do something that we will regret, or worse – could scar our kids for life. Here are five tips on what we as parents should NEVER do when we get angry at our kids.

ONE:

Never compare your kids to their siblings or worse yet, the neighbours’ kids. “Why can’t you be more like your brother?” Perhaps a phrase similar to this runs through your memory from time to time. Children want to know that they are loved and accepted for who they are. Being compared to someone who is smarter, more punctual, better behaved, thinner, more athletic, or better-looking does nothing for your child’s self-esteem. The underlying message that you will be sending is, “You’re not good enough the way you are.” Instead, identify the behaviour that your child is displaying, and explain how it is unacceptable. Children need to know that they are loved and accepted. At the same time, they need to be clear on what they did that was not acceptable, and what they can do differently. (See tip Number 5 for more on this concept).

TWO:

Never use physical or any other form of “punishment”. Now I grew up in a day and age when corporal punishment was accepted and promoted in society. My, how things have changed. There is a common belief in Western society that spanking can be psychologically damaging to children, and the debate about spanking will I’m sure, rage on between liberal and conservative camps indefinitely. Recent studies show that children who are spanked tend to be more anxious and aggressive than those who aren't, but this is less true in cultures where physical punishment is common. Researcher Jennifer Lansford, PhD, and colleagues conclude that the impact of spanking seems to depend, at least in part, on the child's view of whether the practice represents good or bad parenting. More frequent use of physical discipline was less strongly associated with child aggression and anxiety when it was perceived as being more culturally accepted. The findings are published in the November/December issue of the journal Child Development. This point is not so much about whether or not physical punishment or discipline is acceptable – but rather, whether or not it is acceptable when a parent is feeling anger or rage. And in the case of a parent feeling any intense emotion, that is not the right time to administer discipline. Because of how anger affects the body and the brain, if we act before thinking our responses through, we will 9/10 times do something we’ll regret later. When an adult acts in anger, what is remembered is the parent’s anger, and the fearful emotions of the child in relation to the anger. The child will not learn what s/he did wrong, or how to correct that behaviour. All s/he will learn is that s/he shouldn’t get Daddy or Mommy mad.


THREE:

Never yell at your kids, spouse, or partner in front of others. Using verbal aggression or abuse, especially in front of an audience is particularly damaging to a child’s self-esteem. Verbal aggression is defined as “a verbal attack that attempts to inflict psychological pain, thereby resulting in the [other’s] feeling less favorable about self, i.e., suffering self-concept damage” (Cahn & Lloyd, 1996, p. 86). Studies have shown that verbal aggression towards children causes them to perceive themselves as less competent, less comfortable with their own behavior, and less worthy. Studies also show that the more verbal aggression parents showed towards their children, the more they reported their family communication was less open. Whenever you feel the urge to yell or to use verbal aggression as a way to vent your anger, let the other party know that you are feeling very angry and need to walk away or take a break before you say something that you will be sorry for later. Then, when the heat of your anger has burned off, sit down and explain to the child why you felt angry and ask for help in ensuring that this situation doesn’t repeat itself. Be sure to allow your child to share his/her feelings as well, and to apologize for his/her role in the situation. This teaches your children that you can control your responses, and you are modeling appropriate behaviour for them. By refraining from yelling at your spouse in front of the kids, it again models appropriate interactions between couples.

FOUR:

Never withdraw love/approval/acceptance as a form of punishment. In my very first point, I stated that children need to feel loved and accepted. Let me stretch that a bit: they need to feel loved and accepted for who they are – not what they have done. When a child receives praise and positive regard only when s/he gets 100% on a test, or scores perfectly in the swimming competition, s/he will begin to feel that in order to be loved, s/he must be perfect all the time. This is a standard that no child – in fact no person can reach. If you think hard enough, you can identify someone in your circle of influence who has this type of thought process – they have to be right all the time; they have to be perfect at everything – if they can’t do it right, they won’t do it at all. Love is something that your child deserves just because s/he is your child. When s/he does something that is unacceptable, it is better to say, “I love you so much and that will never change; but I’m very disappointed in what you have done.” Rather than withdraw love, physical touch, or affection, withdraw privileges like access to the Internet, video games, television, or movies. Take away the wallet so you can monitor their spending. Limit their drive time if they won’t drive responsibly – but don’t take away your love.

FIVE:

Never send kids away to think about “what they’ve done”. This could be one of the least recognized mistakes of parenting. We all think we’re so smart when we send our kids off to their rooms to “think about what they did…” But here’s the thing: how will thinking about what they have already done, help them to problem solve, or formulate better alternatives to their behaviour? Answer: It won’t. All we are asking our kids to do is to replay in their minds the thing they got in trouble for. We are not encouraging them to seek alternatives. So rather than asking them to think about what they did, ask them to spend some time thinking about what they could have done differently – to get a more positive outcome. Lets say little Jimmy was suspended for fighting at school. Thinking about what he did won’t get him far. Thinking about what he could do differently might get him considering how he could have beaten up Johnny and not got caught. What Jimmy needs to do is think about why he wanted to fight Johnny in the first place, and what he hoped he would achieve by fighting. Then encourage him to think about other ways he could have achieved his desired positive outcome without engaging in aggressive behaviour. This approach will get Jimmy thinking about how to solve problems constructively, and how to make choices that will get him what he wants without having to sit in his room for an hour as a side effect.

Want more tips like this? Keep watching for future blog posts, and/or subscribe to our newsletter, New Leaf News Online by visiting www.angersolution.com.

Problems with Web Server

If you have been trying to find the Anger Solutions website: http://www.angersolution.com or the site for the Canadian Association of Anger Solutions Professionals, http://www.angersolution.com/association.php, and you are having trouble logging on to the site, this message is for you. The server that supports my website AND my E-Mail suffered a major meltdown on Wednesday morning, and my web provider (ICaboodlesites.com) is working around the clock with its server supplier (Web Intellects) to rectify the problem. I have been assured that this should be all fixed and back up and running by the end of today. If not, I will post another blog with an update.

I'm sure you can imagine that a catastrophe like this one creates problems for everyone involved, from the people trying to access the site for information, all the way up to the company responsible for restoring the data to the new server. While this breakdown in technology presents a challenge for all of us involved, it reminds us of the days when things were simpler - when you could just pick up a phone and contact someone, or look through the yellow pages to find a number (rather than searching the web for it) - although technology often makes life easier - we are reminded that when we become too dependent on it, we could prove helpless when it decides to break down.

In any case, please know that the powers that be are working tirelessly to ensure that this blip in our online communications is repaired as quickly as possible, and that we (at all levels - data recovery, website provider, and myself - BRC) offer our sincere apologies for the inconvenience. Once we are up and running, I will be sure to make responding to the backlog of emails my top priority.

Thanks for understanding - and not getting too angry at me! :)

Cheers,
Julie