Bullying is Not a Game: Education & Intervention is the Key

Bullying is Not a Game

Over the last few weeks I have been honoured to be invited to speak at several events designed to raise awareness about bullying, it's devastating effects on mental health, and to provide strategies for parents to help them support their children who are bullied.

Did you know that bullying occurs about every 7.5 minutes on the playground and every 25 minutes in the classroom in Canada? Did you also know that when a bystander steps in and attempts to stop the bullying behaviour, it will stop within 10 seconds 57% of the time?

Bystanders, you have power! You can make a difference.

The Ontario Safe Schools Act gives that power to any bystander who may witness bullying at a school. Whether you are a janitor, a bus driver, a cab driver, a parent, or someone from the community walking by and you witness bullying behaviour, you have the right to step in and say, "This behaviour is unacceptable". We can call the principal, notify a playground monitor. If we step in, we may be saving a child or a young person from experiencing continual abuse in a place where they should feel safe.

We have several workshops coming up in the next few weeks, and I encourage you to participate and learn how you can contribute to making our schools safer for ALL our children.

November 10, 2012: Port Colborne Baptist Church @ 8:30 a.m. to 11:30 a.m.
I will be presenting alongside Dr. Lisa Barrow, author of In Darkness Light Dawns - Exposing Workplace Bullying. Our focus will be workplace and school bullying awareness, and strategies that community members can use to prevent bullying. Community resources will also be shared to support those who may be currently experiencing bullying at work or at school.

November 14, 2012: Holy Cross Secondary School, St. Catharines @ 7 p.m.
Holy Cross SS has decided that they will hold at least one bullying awareness workshop every year, to assist parents and students with bullying prevention. In this first session, I will be presenting material from my book (co-authored with Laurie Flasko), Bullying is Not a Game: A Parents' Survival Guide, and will share strategies with parents for ensuring their child is safe at school.

November 22, 2012: Laura Secord Secondary School, St. Catharines @ 7 p.m.
Sponsored by the Education Foundation of Niagara, Laurie Flasko (co-author of Bullying is Not a Game) will be accompanied by her daughter, Amanda to retell their story of victimization, trauma, and recovery as outlined in the book. Their presentation will be followed up by a panel of community stakeholders, some of whom contributed to the book, to share resources, advice, and to show parents where to seek help for themselves and their children.

November 29, 2012: Fort Erie Secondary School @ 7 p.m.Sponsored by the Education Foundation of Niagara, Laurie Flasko (co-author of Bullying is Not a Game) will be accompanied by her daughter, Amanda to retell their story of victimization, trauma, and recovery as outlined in the book. Their presentation will be followed up by a panel of community stakeholders, some of whom contributed to the book, to share resources, advice, and to show parents where to seek help for themselves and their children.

Admission to all of these events is FREE. To find out more about any of these dates, please visit my other website: www.angersolution.com, or call direct 905-329-6169.

Put the Past Behind You

Put the Past Behind You

(excerpted from When the Last Straw Falls: 30 Ways to Keep Stress from Breaking Your Back – now available at www.angersolution.com)

February 19^th, 2008 marked the 1^st anniversary of my mother’s passing. She died in her sleep, suddenly and unexpectedly in my home, and it was, as you might imagine, a very shocking, sad, and traumatic experience for our family.

Looking back at that time, I wonder how I managed to get through the shock of finding her, calling 911, notifying my father and my siblings, dealing with the coroner, the funeral home, taking care of my kids, and all the rest. It seems that my crisis training served me well, and I was able to go handle the extreme stress of that situation despite my grief.

Almost one year later, as I continued to deal with the ongoing fallout of losing my mom, I realized that other issues that had remained latent while she was alive were beginning to surface. And with those issues, came feelings of intense anxiety and panic that I had not experienced for decades. 

As I battled with this rise in anxiety, I often found myself feeling as if I had lost my bearings and was flailing around frantically for something to hold on to. And I found that stability in the most unexpected places.  Good friends. Faith. And in my office.

Let me explain that last one... several years ago I recorded the audio program, “Getting Past Your Past”. It occurred to me as I was rifling through my files, looking for something that would help me through this crisis, that perhaps if I expect people to listen to my advice that I should listen to it as well. So I grabbed the CDs and plugged them into my car, feeling a little sheepish and wondering if listening to my own recording made me a narcissist...

To my surprise, the woman on the CD sounded bright, confident, and sure of herself (not the same person who was listening at that moment)! She had some rather profound things to say, which were coincidentally strangely relevant to my current situation.  I thought... “why not pay attention to her? She sounds like she might have something there...”  I took it one step further on the advice of a good friend, and printed myself a workbook – and went through the exercises detailed in the “LET GO” section of the program.  

As bizarre as that sounds, it was what I needed at the time. I was reminded that I need to forget my past, remembering only what it taught me. That I have much to be grateful for and that the events of my past have contributed to the person that I am today.  That I am still that strong, confident, bright woman I heard on the CD, and that vulnerability is not the same as weakness. 

Through the process I was reminded that strength is fluid, and often dependent on your circumstances and the resources you have available at the time that those difficult circumstances arise.  I was reminded too of the resources that have helped me through other past trials, and that all I need to do is to rely on them rather than ignoring them – and my strength can be restored.

The whole concept of getting past one’s past is one that is so worthwhile in the quest for less stress. If you have read my book, Anger Solutions! Proven Strategies for Effectively Resolving Anger, you will recall the story of Everett Worthington, whose mother was murdered in her home by a group of teens who broke in while she slept.  Dr. Worthington is now recognized as one of the pioneers in forgiveness research.  

Another leader in the area of forgiveness research is Dr. Frederic Luskin, author of the book, Forgive for Good.  One of the things I noted from Dr. Frederic Luskin’s work is that when you recall the events of the past that caused you hurt and pain, and you have not yet learned to forgive and let go, you will experience the hurt just as if it were happening for the first time. That is to say that the anxiety, stress, sadness, anger – and all the other negative emotions that may be associated with that event, create just as powerful a physiological response in the body as when it happened the first time. So each time you recall a hurtful event, you are inducing the stress/anger response at full strength in your body.

Both the research of Dr. Luskin and Dr. Worthington has scientifically proven that through forgiveness, you can boost your immune systems, have healthier platonic and intimate relationships, significantly reduce your stress, and effectively prolong your life expectancy.  

There's More! This excerpt is included in a F*REE report entitled, "Getting Past Your Past" based on the Self-Help Audio CD Program of the same title, and the book, When the Last Straw Falls, both by Julie Christiansen. To get your copy of this free report, please contact us through our website contact tool: www.angersolution.com/contactus.php, and we'll send it to you right away.

RIP Amanda Todd: Bullying is Not a Game

RIP Amanda Todd: Bullying is Not a Game

I was dismayed to hear of Amanda Todd’s death this week, particularly after watching for myself her desperate cry for help in her YouTube video. This poor girl was victimized by an Internet predator who then ensured he would get the most mileage out of his victimization of Amanda Todd by launching the cyberbullying process. It is a shame that people (if you can call them that) like this unknown, faceless predator exist and are allowed to operate freely and with anonymity on the Internet, but it is more a shame that others did not rise and come to this girl’s defense. Instead, some decided it would be more entertaining if they just continued to victimize her over and over again. The victimization went far beyond “having a little fun at someone’s expense” when faceless cowards who hide behind the veil of anonymity provided by social media encouraged her – incited her to commit acts of self harm and ultimately drove her to suicide.

The Internet is a great thing. It can be and has been used to do a lot of good in the world. But like anything, the Internet has a dark side, and sadly Amanda Todd knew this all too well. Young people today do not realize the power that the Internet has to harm their reputations not just for a short time, but for life. Digital dirt is real – more real in some cases than actual dirt. Actual dirt can wash off, but like Amanda said, “I can never get that picture back”.

Parents – this is why you must be active and participating in your kids’ lives in a practical and supportive way. I do not encourage “helicopter parenting”; however, I do believe that when your children are tweens or young teens, it is best to have some controls in place as they spread their cyber wings. In order to keep my children safe from Internet predators and cyberbullying, it was mandatory for them to add us as “Friends” when they opened a Facebook account. We also installed tracking software on our computer to monitor where our young kids were travelling on the net and to be able to ensure that they were safe while online. After our personal experience with cyberbullying, I encourage EVERY parent to do the same.

Here’s what happened to us. My daughter who was maybe 13 or 14 at the time opened a Myspace account against our wishes, and was using MSN regularly as well. This was right about the time when investigative journalists in the US were reporting how many predators had been caught during their undercover investigation of Internet luring. We forbade her to use Myspace but she re-activated the account secretly. It took a so-called friend hacking her MSN account and trying to ruin her reputation by emailing nasty things to her entire list to teach her how powerful and dangerous online communication can be. Overnight all her friends started treating her differently, distancing themselves from her and refusing to speak to her. Only one person – her cousin – stood up for her. Finally someone explained why no one was speaking with her, and we were able to prove that she was nowhere near a computer when the nasty messages were sent, and that they had to have been sent by someone else. Had an open conversation not happened immediately, she might have been a social outcast among her peer group for the rest of her teen years, without ever knowing why. This folks, is how it starts. With the help of her techie father, she resolved the issue quickly and discontinued her MSN and Facebook accounts. Fortunately for us and for her, it was a lesson she learned after the first incident.

Things might have been different though, had we not stayed on top of her Internet activity. It also helped that she trusted us enough to tell us right away that something was fishy about her MSN account. I thank God everyday that we caught it early and that our efforts to stop the cyberbullying were successful. We never found out who did it although we had some suspicions. That’s the thing about cyber communication – it is so easy to remain in the shadows and do things that one would never ever do in the light of day. So Moms and Dads, I cannot say this enough: be available for your children and BE AWARE of what is happening with them.

My new book, co-authored with Laurie Flasko tells of her daughter's journey through several years of bullying and lays out a detailed plan for parents of how to intervene on behalf of your children. Amanda Todd’s parents did what they could to help her and I applaud them for doing everything in their power to keep their little girl safe. The challenge is that we only know what we know, and that is why Laurie and I wrote Bullying is Not a Game: A Parents’ Survival Guide. How do you know your child is being bullied? What should you do if you suspect it is happening? How do you negotiate a safety plan with the school? When is a good time to switch schools? Is switching schools enough? What do you do when your child is too sick or anxious or depressed to attend regular classes? Where should you go to seek help? What kind of help is the right help? Is medication the right thing for your anxious or depressed child? How do you manage your own mental health while trying to support your child? All of these questions and more are answered in this book.

One of the most important messages of Bullying is Not a Game is the one I want to share now. Parents: you are your child’s best advocate. No one knows your child like you do. If you feel like the school isn’t doing enough, then step up and advocate for your child. If you feel like the police need to be called, call them. Document everything: dates, times, people involved. Print cyber-messages so that you can show them to the police. Write down a sequence of events, symptoms, anything you think might be useful so that your child doesn’t have to be re-victimized by telling his/her story over and over again. Before you accept medications, ask about the side effects and consider ALL your options for treatment. Rather than think of your child as suffering from mental illness, think about how to restore your child’s mental health, self-esteem, and self-efficacy. These things are stripped away by relentless bullying but they can be restored with the right treatment and support.  

It pains me to know it is too late for Amanda Todd and for the many young people like her who saw no way out except to end their lives. There are countless other Amanda Todds out there who need support, intervention, treatment, love and caring to get through their bullying experience. Her death doesn’t need to be in vain. We can work together to create a safer world for our children at school, at play, and online. Parents – it begins with you. It ends when we as a community at large say enough is enough. Bullying is Not a Game.

Oct. 15, 2012