RIP Amanda Todd: Bullying is Not a Game

RIP Amanda Todd: Bullying is Not a Game

I was dismayed to hear of Amanda Todd’s death this week, particularly after watching for myself her desperate cry for help in her YouTube video. This poor girl was victimized by an Internet predator who then ensured he would get the most mileage out of his victimization of Amanda Todd by launching the cyberbullying process. It is a shame that people (if you can call them that) like this unknown, faceless predator exist and are allowed to operate freely and with anonymity on the Internet, but it is more a shame that others did not rise and come to this girl’s defense. Instead, some decided it would be more entertaining if they just continued to victimize her over and over again. The victimization went far beyond “having a little fun at someone’s expense” when faceless cowards who hide behind the veil of anonymity provided by social media encouraged her – incited her to commit acts of self harm and ultimately drove her to suicide.

The Internet is a great thing. It can be and has been used to do a lot of good in the world. But like anything, the Internet has a dark side, and sadly Amanda Todd knew this all too well. Young people today do not realize the power that the Internet has to harm their reputations not just for a short time, but for life. Digital dirt is real – more real in some cases than actual dirt. Actual dirt can wash off, but like Amanda said, “I can never get that picture back”.

Parents – this is why you must be active and participating in your kids’ lives in a practical and supportive way. I do not encourage “helicopter parenting”; however, I do believe that when your children are tweens or young teens, it is best to have some controls in place as they spread their cyber wings. In order to keep my children safe from Internet predators and cyberbullying, it was mandatory for them to add us as “Friends” when they opened a Facebook account. We also installed tracking software on our computer to monitor where our young kids were travelling on the net and to be able to ensure that they were safe while online. After our personal experience with cyberbullying, I encourage EVERY parent to do the same.

Here’s what happened to us. My daughter who was maybe 13 or 14 at the time opened a Myspace account against our wishes, and was using MSN regularly as well. This was right about the time when investigative journalists in the US were reporting how many predators had been caught during their undercover investigation of Internet luring. We forbade her to use Myspace but she re-activated the account secretly. It took a so-called friend hacking her MSN account and trying to ruin her reputation by emailing nasty things to her entire list to teach her how powerful and dangerous online communication can be. Overnight all her friends started treating her differently, distancing themselves from her and refusing to speak to her. Only one person – her cousin – stood up for her. Finally someone explained why no one was speaking with her, and we were able to prove that she was nowhere near a computer when the nasty messages were sent, and that they had to have been sent by someone else. Had an open conversation not happened immediately, she might have been a social outcast among her peer group for the rest of her teen years, without ever knowing why. This folks, is how it starts. With the help of her techie father, she resolved the issue quickly and discontinued her MSN and Facebook accounts. Fortunately for us and for her, it was a lesson she learned after the first incident.

Things might have been different though, had we not stayed on top of her Internet activity. It also helped that she trusted us enough to tell us right away that something was fishy about her MSN account. I thank God everyday that we caught it early and that our efforts to stop the cyberbullying were successful. We never found out who did it although we had some suspicions. That’s the thing about cyber communication – it is so easy to remain in the shadows and do things that one would never ever do in the light of day. So Moms and Dads, I cannot say this enough: be available for your children and BE AWARE of what is happening with them.

My new book, co-authored with Laurie Flasko tells of her daughter's journey through several years of bullying and lays out a detailed plan for parents of how to intervene on behalf of your children. Amanda Todd’s parents did what they could to help her and I applaud them for doing everything in their power to keep their little girl safe. The challenge is that we only know what we know, and that is why Laurie and I wrote Bullying is Not a Game: A Parents’ Survival Guide. How do you know your child is being bullied? What should you do if you suspect it is happening? How do you negotiate a safety plan with the school? When is a good time to switch schools? Is switching schools enough? What do you do when your child is too sick or anxious or depressed to attend regular classes? Where should you go to seek help? What kind of help is the right help? Is medication the right thing for your anxious or depressed child? How do you manage your own mental health while trying to support your child? All of these questions and more are answered in this book.

One of the most important messages of Bullying is Not a Game is the one I want to share now. Parents: you are your child’s best advocate. No one knows your child like you do. If you feel like the school isn’t doing enough, then step up and advocate for your child. If you feel like the police need to be called, call them. Document everything: dates, times, people involved. Print cyber-messages so that you can show them to the police. Write down a sequence of events, symptoms, anything you think might be useful so that your child doesn’t have to be re-victimized by telling his/her story over and over again. Before you accept medications, ask about the side effects and consider ALL your options for treatment. Rather than think of your child as suffering from mental illness, think about how to restore your child’s mental health, self-esteem, and self-efficacy. These things are stripped away by relentless bullying but they can be restored with the right treatment and support.  

It pains me to know it is too late for Amanda Todd and for the many young people like her who saw no way out except to end their lives. There are countless other Amanda Todds out there who need support, intervention, treatment, love and caring to get through their bullying experience. Her death doesn’t need to be in vain. We can work together to create a safer world for our children at school, at play, and online. Parents – it begins with you. It ends when we as a community at large say enough is enough. Bullying is Not a Game.

Oct. 15, 2012

Face Your Fears

 

I have heard fear described in this way: “False Expectations Appearing Real”. In other words, fear is the culmination of those things you anticipate could happen, but never do  that constitute fear. Just as faith is described as a belief or a certainty that something positive or good will happen, fear is the belief or certainty that the worst will happen. 

Would you rather live your life in anticipation, or in trepidation? Fear has got to be one of the worst feelings in the world to experience.  While fear has its place, it does not always serve us well. 

On a trip to Newfoundland with a large group of friends, one of our group decided to take us on a tour of his old stomping grounds. We followed him off the highway down a narrow dirt road, shrouded by bushes and saplings. After we had all parked, he started us off down a dirt trail and into the bush. He didn’t tell us where we were headed, just “someplace he had to show us”. Although we were a little concerned with his secrecy, we kept on following because we trusted him. Not 500 meters into the trail, he stopped and pointed down. “Take a look at this,” he said, pointing to a fresh bear track in the moist dirt. “That’s fresh – but don’t worry. It is a small bear – likely a cub. If he’s with his mother, they won’t come near us.”

For a moment, I felt that familiar sensation of fear rising in my gut, and I could tell I wasn’t alone. After all, my three kids were with me, along with a whole bunch of other people’s kids! As if on cue, he turned to us and said, “Look, I grew up hanging out in this bush. If I say you’ve got nothing to worry about, you’ve got nothing to worry about! I promise you, this hike is going to be worth it.” So we put our fears aside, trusted his judgment, and forged ahead. We hiked the trail, heading uphill for several more minutes and soon came to a clearing, where there was a pool of shallow fresh water surrounded by a mix of cruciferous and deciduous trees. The pool was being fed by a gentle waterfall. The water was so clear and sparkling that immediately several of the teens in our group including my own kids decided to kick off their shoes and wander in. We thought this was the treat our friend had brought us to see. Instead, he called to us that we had to keep going further into the bush because there was more.

More? By now, we had not just faced our fear of the long forgotten bear cub and his hungry mama, we were entranced with the thrill of the climb – what else might we find on our hike into the bush? As we ventured higher and higher, I could hear something like wind rustling through the trees. We got closer and suddenly below us was a thundering waterfall – an absolutely beautiful sight! The water was rumbling down over a rock face, into a pool below, which then fed the stream that eventually settled at the pool we had only just seen. From where we were standing, we could feel the intensity and the sheer force of the water as it cascaded the rocks, and our faces were kissed with the mist rising from the flow.

Needless to say, after several pictures, dips in the rock pool, and minutes of video footage, we all reluctantly agreed to leave this beautiful spot, and return to our cars. Remarkably, on the way back down the trail, we all carefully stepped over the bear track – some even paused to take pictures of it up close – all without experiencing any fear at all. Isn’t it remarkable that one person’s interpretation of an experience is enough to dissipate the fear response? Perhaps had our friend not been our guide that day, we would have ventured no further, and we would have missed out on experiencing a majestic view of nature up close and personal.

What are you afraid of?  Does that fear serve you, or does it control you?  If you do not learn to master fear, then fear will become your master. Wouldn’t you rather be in control?

Let me share a tool that will help you to face your fears on a conscious, intentional level.  Ask yourself these questions:

1. What is happening right now?
2. How do I feel about what is happening right now?
3. What does this event mean to me? What impact does it have on my life immediately? What is the lifetime value of this event?
4. How would I like this to turn out? (What outcome do I want?)
5. What can I do to create the outcome(s) I desire?
6. What have I been doing so far when situations like this come up?
7. Has my current plan of action been working? If yes, why – If no, why not?
8. What is the worst thing that could happen if I try a new approach to this challenge?
9. What is the best thing that could happen if I try a new approach to this challenge?
10. What is my plan of action based on everything I know now?

Taking this conscious, objective approach to the fear-inducing stressors in your life will enable you to make informed decisions about how to deal with each stressful event, without panic, anxiety, or fear.

This is an excerpt from chapter 8 of When the Last Straw Falls: 30 Ways to Keep Stress from Breaking Your Back. Available exclusively from http://www.angersolution.com/store.php.

Stop Bullying Workshop Port Colborne Nov 10th