How to Feel the Love After Trauma - Guest Blogger, Krystal Snider

I have a very skewed relationship with sex and intamacy. When I think about the lessons I learned or didn't learn about this important topic I wonder where I got my messaging and where I learned about these topics. I will start with the fact that I was raised Roman Catholic. Went to catholic school and catholic church with catholic parents. I am a cis gendered white female growing up in the 90’s and reaching high school by the early 2000’s. I have a history of early childhood trauma and human trafficking.  So fair to say my relationship with sex and intimacy was pretty skewed from the beginning.  I was hypersexualized as a young child and that mixed with the shame of the trauma and the shame from the messages I received really has left me with little skills or knowledge around intimacy. 

I am slowly learning now in my early-mid 30’s that there is an entire spectrum of intimacy that exists. I have been married to my partner for 15 years and as I continue to heal from my trauma I continue to learn about just how unsafe I often feel. When my friend Julie Christiansen asked a group of folks to try out their “feel the love” Cards I was super curious and also wanted to support her with this launch. Let me tell you- as a person healing from trauma these cards were really great at helping me identify intimacy on a spectrum. The cards come as a challenge where you can do them once a day, twice a week, once a week really whatever works for you. You take turns with your partner and complete them. Here is what Jaycee and Julie had to say about the cards and an intro to them both:

Feel the Love! Why We Wrote It

Jaycee Ryan - Author, Laws of Attraction Romance Series

Feel the Love came about as part of the story development for my debut women's fiction series: Laws of Attraction. The series explores all sorts of relationship issues like infidelity, divorce, childhood abuse, domestic violence, infertility, and criminal harassment. One of the main characters of the series writes a book by the same title and then develops the cards as an add-on for couples. I got thinking… "this is actually a cool idea!" So, I approached my publisher who is also a Registered Psychotherapist and she agreed to work on making the cards a real thing. What's cool about this is that the psychological theories woven through the books are real, and discovering through the vehicle of fiction makes them easy to learn. Using the cards may not get you a fairytale ending, but they will certainly help people achieve deeper levels of intimacy, passion and commitment in their relationships. There are 30 cards in the package: ten for intimacy, ten for passion, and ten for commitment. You can choose to do one challenge a day, or spread it out so that you build on each challenge by drawing out the anticipation for each one. I write steamy romances about real life, real pain, and real choices, with a guaranteed happy ever after for my characters. You can find my books on Amazon, Kobo, Apple Books, Barnes and Noble, and Ingram Spark.

Julie Christiansen - Publisher, Leverage U Press and Paper Kite Press

When Jaycee approached me with an idea for Feel the Love Cards, I immediately jumped on it. William Glasser of Choice Theory says that every problem is, at its heart, a relationship problem. A set of cards to prompt action or conversation to enhance deeper relationships seemed fitting. We're not the first ones to do this. I have several boxes of card decks in my practice office. These cards were created with the intention to spark intimacy, ignite passion, and fuel commitment in couples, but many challenges can be transferred to your particular relationship problem. For example - do you have trouble trusting your choices? That's an intimacy problem. Do you often say yes when you should have said no? That's a commitment problem. You've got to resolve the relationship you have with yourself if you want to have truly healthy relationships with others. We wrote a short E-book that explains the triarchic theory of love that Jaycee describes in book one of the series, Wanting. The E-book shared some tips on how to be successful in relationships and gives instructions on ways to use the cards. Our hope is that couples (or people still looking for love) will find their way to healthier, happier relationships with themselves and others. That's why we wrote it.

This is my experience with these cards:

What I absolutely love the most about this set is I got to reflect on  how I do feel reading these cards. I have an opportunity to consider if this act or challenge is for me? For me, there has been great strides in regaining some of my sexual power by reading the cards and intuitively checking in to see my comfort or understanding around each item on the card.  What I absolutely love most about these cards is the way that they center connection. There is very little to do with “having sex” and far more opportunities to reflect and get comfortable connecting. 

What I find especially interesting is, after 15 years married, there remains so much that I don’t know about my partner. One example is this card that says “Talk about the qualities that make you want to trust your partner.” When I read this card, it was such a great reminder to me that my partner is safe and helped me to understand WHY he is safe. As someone with complex trauma, feeling safe is often a challenge. I am so grateful to be able to try out these cards. Even though I am not able to act on all of them, reading them and connecting with how each makes me feel has been a really great exercise for me as I continue to heal.

I would encourage anyone who’s interested in adding to their relationship to grab a deck and try them out. Below is a link to purchase them and to get to know more about Julie and all of the incredible things she does.

Feel the Love Challenge Cards - Payhip 

Learn more about Krystal Snider and her incredibly valuable work at: Collaborative Community Solutions

28 Days Left - The Final Push in the 80 Day Challenge

I'm curious to know how many of you have been sticking with the 80-Day Challenge that I started with you at the beginning of October. We are quickly winding down, and I have another installment in the process to help you continue to build momentum as we approach January 1st, 2009.

But first a review:
Our very first exercise came to us courtesy of Mark Victor Hansen, co-author of the Chicken Soup for the Soul Series as well as several other great works including The Aladdin Factor ( a must read for anyone wanting to set and achieve goals). You will remember that this exercise was about finding your "YOU ARE HERE" dot for your life. You asked yourself some key questions: what did achieve in 2008? Are you healthier? Happier? Wealthier? Wiser? What challenges were you still facing at the time of doing that exercise? What about now? Have you faced and overcome any of those challenges during this process? Have you created any wins for yourself over the last 60 days? What situations still exist in your life that you know you need to address in order to move forward?

Our second exercise was from the brilliant Morgana Rae, and focused on your relationship with money. What did you learn about yourself and your limiting beliefs around money? Have you re-defined what your relationship with money will be like from now on? Have you decided to make money a welcome visitor in your home - perhaps one that will take up residence in your business on a more permanent basis?

Our third lesson in the 80-Day Challenge focused on The Law of Seed and Harvest - and provided you with some tips on how to make the most of the time, energy, and money that you invest into your life or your business. What seeds have you decided to plant? What "gardens" are you currently nurturing, and what kind of fruit will they yield in the harvest? Have you begun thinking about the natural growing seasons in your life, and how you can make the best of the time you have to work with? Remember that the Law of Seed and Harvest relates to all aspects of our lives: work, love, family, pets, money, business, health, spirituality and faith. Nothing happens "instantly". You need to build skills to get that good job. You need to be willing to love and be loved in order for romance to blossom. Kids don't grow up overnight although it seems that way sometimes. Pets need to be trained and acclimatized to your family's routines. Money must be invested in order for it to grow. Businesses all start somewhere - none of them become overnight successes - there was work, planning, and investment of time, energy, and money long before the success came. If you want to be healthy, you have to sow good seeds - if you sow rotten seeds (drugs, alcohol, junk food, nicotine, etc.), you will reap a rotten harvest. And of course with spirituality and faith - to develop a relationship with your creator also takes time and attention on your part. Nothing comes from nothing - you have to plant, water, and nurture the seeds for the harvest you hope to reap.

That brought us to our T quadrant in the most recent lesson: Taking Stock. This is about isolating where exactly you want to plant those seeds as you move forward either in your career, job, or business. I have always believed that one should do what one loves, and the money will follow. I still think this is true. However, I have recently re-framed that concept - if we do what we love by following a proven SYSTEM, and sticking with the PLAN, the money will not only follow, it will FLOW. The Law of Seed and Harvest is about following a universal system that will lead to a harvest every time. The T quadrant is about clarifying your vision so that you can plan ahead to do more of what you really love - the stuff that is FUN and makes you money.

Where do we go from here?
With only 20 something days left in the challenge, it is time to move into action steps. By now you should have a clear concept of what you want to accomplish (work wise) in 2009. You have re-framed your ideas about money, and you know what challenges you are currently facing. You understand that you need to plant something in order to reap a harvest, and that what you plant matters. So I have TWO assignments for you to follow through on in order to get yourself moving into action.

First: Make a list of the things you want to accomplish in 2009. Break your list down into categories -
Work
Love/Family
Money
Business
Health
Spirituality and faith
Intellectual/Education
Community/Legacy

Now - Narrow your focus down to the first 90-120 days of 2009. Which of these goals must you begin working on immediately if you are to reach your major milestones by the end of the year? What seeds must you plant, and how long will it take for them to convert into a viable harvest? For example: if you want to find true love, what steps must you take NOW in order to be able to say, "Happy New Year Honey!" to your dream lover on Dec. 31st 2009? If you want to land that "whale" account for your company, who do you need to contact? How will you build the relationship with that potential customer? What limiting beliefs must you shed in order to make this desired goal a reality?

Lastly - make a list of action steps you can begin within the next 20 - 28 days so that when 2009 rolls around, you will already be on your way to materializing the vision you just described through the goal setting process.

I can't wait to hear from you! Please feel free to post you comments on this site, or email me directly with your results. There will be one final installment in this 80-Day Challenge - the wrap-up. Look for it closer to the end of the month.