Lessons from the Masters Part 3 - Coaching Distinctions

This week I have been watching closely as I continue to make little shifts in my thinking and behaviour - and the results that follow. Last week I taught my students how to create a vision board as part of an extensive goal setting exercise. My vision board is not yet complete, because I want to be sure I am clearly visualizing my goals before I place them on the board. However, I put some key goals on the board around selling a certain number of books per year, and as a means to that end, to gain more exposure via radio, television, and print interviews. That was Thursday. On Friday, I received a call from CTS Television's "On the Line" saying that their Monday guest had to bow out due to an emergency, and could I be their expert guest for Monday's live show. Of course, I said yes. I sent out a quick email to my contact list to let them know that I would be on the show. On my arrival home from taping the live show in Burlington, I opened my email to see a note from CHCH TV in Hamilton asking if I would like to do a guest spot on one of their programs. The producer saw the email I sent out to my e-list, and thought that the topic of stress management would be a good fit for their show! How cool is that? The power of intention coupled with focused action created another opportunity for me to fulfill that goal of booking more interviews to promote my books.

Another cool thing that happened this week, also happened while I was taping "On the Line". I had an epiphany right in the middle of a conversation with a caller and it was this: All stress is FEAR-based. Think about it - we become stressed when we feel afraid that we lack the resources we need to meet the demands of a circumstance or event. Example: If I get stressed over an interview, it is because I am afraid I will sound stupid, or make a mistake, or say something that doesn't make any sense. I am afraid the host won't like me and won't ask me back on the show. If you get stressed over a project at work, it is because you are afraid you won't get it done on time, the boss won't like it, your peers or colleagues won't carry their end and you'll end up doing all the work, and so on. Knowing that our stress is based in fear gives us tremendous freedom because by tackling and subduing the fear, we in effect, subdue our stress. You can read more about Facing Your Fears in one of this blog's back entries, or in my book, Stress Less in 27 Days.

Last distinction I have made since beginning coaching with Lisa Nichols: In our first session she talked about "exposing the lies" - those things we have been told, or we have told ourselves that hold us back, keep us down, and prevent us from being our authentic selves. I was taken back to a time when I was much younger and I had struggled with a LIE put on me by a woman who had offered me a job, and I turned her down for a better opportunity. She told me I was irresponsible, and that I would never make anything of myself because I couldn't stick to a decision. What she said hurt me for a long time, and worse - it haunted me. Then, somewhere around 1995, began to dig deep through the layers of negative self talk, and I realized that I had been believing this lie she had implanted in me. So I wrote a poem about it, and in doing so - released the weight of the lie that had been on me for close to 10 years. Here it is... maybe it will help you to let go of a weight that ties you down.

For the Manager of Rockland Textiles, June 1986
This is for you who told me
I was making a mistake.
You were angry
But not at me.
I did not understand it then
But I do now
Someone must have failed you
Disappointed you miserably
And I, in the wrong place
At the wrong time
Stood silently, tearfully
The lamb before the slaughter
As you whipped me with your words,
Stripped me with your gaze,
Destroyed me with your vote of non-confidence.

Now for the record
Let it be known that you,
You made the mistake,
Not I.
The choice I made was right
For me and for you.
We cannot see
What lies ahead -- we must but
Trust our instincts as they
Lead us toward our destiny.
The mistake was yours
For resisting fate,
For shaking your fist at the
Heavens in defiance
For robbing another human being
Of her self-esteem
For contracting her self-respect.

I am beyond that now.
I understand.
You were angry but not at me.
Someone failed you
Disappointed you miserably
And I, I was there for you
In the right place
At the right time
We cannot see what lies ahead
We must but trust our instincts
(I have followed mine)
As they lead us toward
Our destiny.
(c) 1996, Julie Christiansen

The Self-Awareness Wheel - Part Two in My Response to Anne

As promised to my online students, here is another tool that I have been using recently to explain what happens if we skip some of the steps in processing life's many events. Click on the image to see the full-size version.

What you see in the wheel is what happens when a person with lower self-esteem experiences a "frustration signal" - they will often go from 1 to 2, and then immediately to 6, without truly taking time to respond to the event. Remember E+R=O from part one of this answer...

Very often, prolonged periods of frustration such as what one might experience after a loved one suffers a heart attack, stroke, or is stricken with some other debilitating illness, will contribute to people making poor choices, and forgetting to go through the full cycle. So this is where the TSA model comes in handy. It reminds people of what we need to do when faced with frustrating circumstances.

Think: What is happening? What does it mean? How does this event make me feel? What do I want to see happen? What can I do to get myself as close to my desired outcome as possible?

Say: If the event is important enough to do something about, start be expressing how you feel. (Remember that you must first identify and classify your feelings so that you can express yourself clearly and accurately - in order to avoid minimization or escalation of your frustration). Use assertive language - "I feel... because..." or "I think, I need, I want, I believe..." Take ownership of what is yours - don't blame others for your feelings.

Ask: Ask for a response so you can begin the dialogue that may lead to resolution of the issue. I say that it "MAY" lead to resolution, because you cannot control what other people do or say. All you can do is ask them to participate in the process of resolution. If they choose not to, at least you have expressed yourself so that they are aware of how their behaviour affects you. It is important to note - and I will probably discuss this more in a future blog - that the primary objective of expressing and releasing anger is for the physical and mental health benefits that it affords YOU! You do this so that you don't end up with heart disease or asthma, or cancer or ulcers. If you manage to get your desired outcome - 100%, that is gravy. Again, I'll save that discussion for another blog entry, but it is important to know. Lastly, once you ask for input, you must be ready to listen. Then the process begins again, because the other party may say something that causes you more frustration and the TSA cycle / and the Self Awareness cycle must repeat itself until you achieve resolution of some kind.

Any questions? You know how to find me! Post a comment here on this site, or students from TAPE can contact me via the regular channels as posted on the TAPE site.