TSA in Review: Anger Solutions Bullying at Work

In my previous blog posts, my focus was on specific things we can do to process what is happening and how best to deal with bullies in the workplace. I promised to review the TSA process in full for this installment, and as I was preparing to do so, I came across this poster on Pinterest and had to share it. "Most of the problems in life are because of two reasons: we act without thinking, or we keep thinking without acting." This notion is one of the underpinnings of Anger Solutions philosophy - that we must be conscious in our efforts to process our experiences and to make clear, informed decisions BEFORE we take action. In my book, Anger Solutions: Proven Strategies for Effectively Resolving Anger, I note that when we are angry and we act without thinking, we typically will lash out, use verbal aggression or verbal abuse, or perhaps even use physical aggression or abuse to express our ire. Whe we think without acting, anger is internalized resulting in physical ailments, emotional upset, and distress. Bitterness, resentment, mood disturbances, "trust issues", insomnia, heart disease, diabetes, depression, chronic inflammation (fibromyalgia, polymyalgia, asthma) and other illnesses can be linked directly to the stress that is caused by the internalization of negative emotions. This is why TSA is so important and inherently essential to the resolution of anger.

T: Think - what is happening? What does it mean? How do I feel about it? What is the lifetime value of this event? How would I like this to be resolved? What is the best thing that can happen if I choose this option? What is the worst thing that can happen if I choose this option?

S: Say - Talk to the people who matter - who are directly involved in the issue you wish to resolve. No water cooler talk, no coffee talk. Don't talk AROUND the issue: approach the issue head on. Say, "This is how I feel and this is why. These are my expectations for the future. I am observing these behaviours and this is what they mean to me. In future, for us to communicate clearly with each other/work more effectively together, this is what I need to happen."

A: Ask - Invite the other party to engage in the dialogue. Remember - this is about resolution, not about winning. In order to resolve a problem people must work together. This means you advocate for your position but you do not become adversarial. You must also seek to accommodate the needs of the other party (within reason) as much as you hope they will accommodate your needs. Ask questions like, "Can you see where I'm coming from? Do we have an agreement? How can we work together so that this conflict does not arise again?" Asking the right kinds of questions indicates your commitment to understanding the other party. It demonstrates empathy, and a willingness to work together.

Whenever you have these kinds of conversations with your bullies (or with anyone else in the workplace with whom you might have conflict), document exactly what was said, who was there, and what the circumstances were surrounding the event. Be sure you also document the outcome of the conversation as you remember it. You never know when you may need the record of that conversation to back you up later.

If you are being bullied at work and need additional support to get through it, please call me toll free: 1-866-754-6169. I would be happy to assist. To learn more about my counselling services, visit: http://www.juliechristiansen.com.

Part 3: Anger Solutions Approach to Workplace Bullying

In the previous post I focused on honing on your desired outcomes to help you devise appropriate responses to bullying or harassment at work. I also promised to deal with the question: "What is the best/worst thing that can happen if I do/say...?"

Now here's the rub. Think about some of the days you have gone through recently. You've probably had some good days and some bad days. In reality everyday has a little bit of good and a little bit of bad in it. The typical human response is to focus on the bad that happened throughout the day, even if 90% of the day was good. It is way more fun (most of the time) to gripe about the bad stuff that happened because it garners you sympathy, empathy, and moral support. Talking about the good stuff just isn't as rewarding (I hope you can hear the sarcasm in this statement).

Truth be told, we humans do tend to look at the darker side of life - this pessimistic outlook is reinforced in the media - the news is 90% bad and 10% good at best. Bad news sells. Period. However, if we want to be able to effectively use Anger Solutions to our advantage, we need to maintain a balance between possible positive and negative outcomes.

For example, when I was working in one particularly toxic workplace, I had become very sick and at one point I had to be off for 6 weeks to recover from major surgery. Shortly after returning to work (only a few months later), the very thing that led to my surgery had returned, and my health was beginning to decline again. On top of that I was diagnosed with high blood pressure and had to begin taking medication to manage it. And I hadn't even had my 40th birthday at the time!

Everytime I went to work I felt sick. I was weepy, and emotional, and had difficulty concentrating. My anxiety was through the roof, and I was terrified of losing my job. I had become fully focused on "What is the WORST thing that could happen if I defend myself, or stand up for myself, or challenge my boss for her behaviour?" Then one morning I realized that if I lost my job, it wouldn't be the end of the world. I extended the question to sound like this... "What is the worst thing that can happen if I get fired from this job?" The answer sounded something like this... "Well, I won't have a steady paycheque, but it will give me an opportunity to build my business."

Then, I asked the truly powerful question: "What is the best thing that could happen if I get fired?" O.M.G. The answer was incredibly empowering! "I won't have to feel sick or anxious in the mornings, because I won't have to work there. I will be in a better position to explore my options, and I can find another job or expand the business so that I can work in it full time. I would file for wrongful dismissal and get a severance package so that I wouldn't be struggling financially while searching for work. I won't have to put up with the constant badgering and put downs that I get from my boss on an almost daily basis. I can kiss office politics goodbye..." and the list went on and on.

That very day, I walked into my boss's office when I was summoned and she proceeded to launch into her daily rant of how useless I was. I interrupted her and asked point blank, "Are you going to fire me?" That stopped her cold. I continued, "Because if you're going to fire me, I'd like to know in advance so I can get my resume ready." She began to stammer, and finally said, "Well, there's nothing in it for me if I fire you." Strange response, but I took it to mean NO. I replied, "Ok, then if you don't mind, I'd like to get back to work." When I left her office I felt like a new person. I had found a way to resurrect my voice. Although she did not fire me (in fact, she was fired), I went ahead and prepared my resume. I also began exploring my options for a quick exit, and decided in the end to pursue my dream of running my business full time while working part time for a base income. That was 8 years ago, and I don't ever regret leaving. I owe my change of mindset to those two very simple questions:

"What's the worst thing that can happen if I ..." AND
"What's the BEST thing that can happen if I ..."?

Moving forward, as you work through the process of Thinking, Saying, and Asking, remember that you must thoroughly exhaust ALL the questions in the Thinking component before moving forward. Once you think things through clearly, what you have to say and/or ask becomes much clearer.

I hope you have found this helpful. I know that sometimes it helps to have another perspective - a supportive, empathetic sounding board to help process your experience. Call me if you need someone to talk to: 1-866-754-6169 toll free, or contact me via my website: www.juliechristiansen.com.

In my next post, I'll review the TSA Model in its totality. Until then, stay solution focused!

Anger Solutions Approach to Workplace Bullying Part Two

In my previous post, I introduced the Anger Solutions decision making tool of T.S.A. "T" stands for THINK, and heretofore I suggested that the first part of the the process for coping with workplace bullying is to carefully consider what is happening and what it means. I left two questions open on the "Think" chart, and I want to spend some time expanding on them in this post. The questions are:

1. What can I do to resolve this?
2. What is the best/worst thing that can happen if I do... ?

The first question is really about taking back your power. Harassment and bullying are forms of abuse. To clarify, I am not referring to singular, isolated acts of belligerence or typical office conflict. Bullying and harassment are repeated forms of intimidating, aggressive behaviours (verbal, non-verbal, or physical) that the person using them ought to know are unwelcome and distressing to the target. Bullying behaviours in the workplace can include icy silences, ignoring co-workers, sabotaging another's work, taking credit for another's work, belittling or ridiculing in front of co-workers, assigning meaningless tasks, discrediting one's efforts, trying to make one's contribution appear stupid or insignificant, and the list goes on.

So what can you do to resolve these types of behaviours? Often bullying is done in secret, or when there are no witnesses. People who are targeted by bullies tend to feel backed into a corner, and eventually, they may feel that their only recourse is to resort to bully-like behaviour in turn. This typically results in the target receiving discipline rather than the bully, and nothing gets resolved. Another typical response is to withdraw into oneself, fearing that no one can be trusted, and that it is safer to just be a lone wolf. This type of isolation contributes to depression. When low mood is coupled with the increased anxiety of having to work in a toxic, unpredictable work environment, you can be sure to see a decline in mental health, and an increase in absenteeism and poor work performance. This only serves to feed into the bully's M.O., which is to make you seem incapable of doing your job.

Resolution then, must be a strategic measure, one which begins with knowing what your desired outcomes are. When determining your desired outcomes, you must first consider what outcomes are in your control and which outcomes are not. For example, you want the bully to stop what s/he is doing. This is completely outside of your control. You want to feel safe within your working environment: this is something you have power over. You want the administration to discipline the bully. You may have some control over this outcome, but you must be strategic in how you accomplish it. Here are some suggestions:

1. If your desired outcome is for administration to hold the bully accountable, learn all you can about the company's policy on workplace harassment and bullying. Is your company compliant with Bill C168 (Ontario) in having a workplace harassment policy set up, and placed in areas of the company that are visible to all employees? What is the wording of the company policy?
2. Document EVERYTHING that happens to you. When did it happen (date and time)? Who was present? Where did the bullying event occur?
3. On at least one occasion - preferably when there are witnesses, make it very clear using strong assertive language that the behaviour (name it) of the bully is unwelcome and inappropriate, and that you would like it to stop. E.g. "Jane, while I welcome constructive feedback, this harsh personal criticism is unwarranted. I would appreciate it if in future you could tell me exactly what it is about my work that you believe needs improvement, and leave personal attacks out of it." I promise you, the bully will not appreciate being called out, and it is possible that s/he may even try to launch further attacks, but the purpose of this "conversation" is to make sure that there is no misunderstanding that you do not welcome the behaviour of the bully and that it could be construed as distressing.
4. This perhaps is the most important thing: PREPARE YOUR RESPONSES. In many of my posts, you have seen me mention the equation E+R=O (Event + Response = Outcome). The key to changing your outcomes is the responses you choose. This is where working with an experienced counsellor or coach can help you. Role playing amusing, disarming, or strongly assertive responses with a safe person can help to increase your self-confidence when interacting with bullies.  You see, one of the best tools a bully has is the element of surprise. Consider a bully to be like a sniper. Snipers never stand out in the open, they try to blend in with their environment so they can be hidden, stealthy, and strike from a place and a distance that keeps their identity secret.
   
   A sniper's effectiveness is reduced to ZERO if s/he is discovered or if the element of surprise is compromised. By preparing for possible "snipe" attacks, you take away the element of surprise, and in fact, the bully will be the one surprised by you. Surprise attacks tend to leave you feeling shocked and off-balance, without enough time to retrieve the perfect snappy comeback, or to find the words necessary to properly defend yourself or your work. Bullies rely on the expectation that you will be so embarrassed by their attack that you will not be able to respond effectively - making you appear as stupid and incapable as they make you out to be. When you have safe, appropriate, but pointed comments ready to lob back at your sniper, they will realize that they are no longer operating in the shadows. If you can shine a spotlight on their behaviour in a way that maintains your integrity and causes no one to lose face, you will post a win, and take away ammunition from the bully's arsenal.
   
   Here are some questions/statements you can practice with a counsellor, coach, or friend:
   - [Bully says, "That was the worst presentation I've ever seen."] What is it specifically about the presentation that you think could be improved? [this question deflects the attack away from you as a person and forces the bully to provide tangible, constructive criticisms]
   - [Bully makes an insulting comment about you or someone else] Wow! (laughing in surprise) I can't believe you said that with your outside voice! That is soooo rude! (keep laughing!) [this is a great way to call the bully on his/her inappropriate behaviour without either of you losing face. It also shows the bully that you can't be rattled by his/her petty tactics]
   - [Bully says, "This plan of action you have laid out is stupid. It will never work. I would never have done it that way."] That's an interesting comment. I wonder if you could share with us how you would have done this differently. [Like the first example, this response removes the criticism from you and focuses on the work instead. It also makes the bully accountable to explain his/her ideas. If they are valid, you can work with them. If they are not, they will quickly be proven to be so. Either way, you come out ahead.]
   - [Bully swears s/he told you about some important information, but you know s/he never did. The bully is trying to make you look incompetent and will typically try to do this in front of witnesses.] You know, it is possible you may have told me this in passing; this is all the more reason why I have asked you to send me all important information by email. From now on, please confirm all our communication with a written follow up. [Everyone respects people who can admit that they may be wrong from time to time. Conversely, those who ALWAYS have to be right tend to win nothing but resentment from their peers. Clarifying that you have already asked for important information to be transmitted by email, and re-asserting this request in front of witnesses makes it clear to onlookers that this is a recurring issue, one which you have already tried to resolve. Using assertive language and tone of voice demonstrates that you are respectful, while the bully is not.]

Having a toolbox filled with appropriate responses like these will help you to more easily answer the question, "How would I like this to be resolved?"

In my next post, I will tackle the question, "What is the best/worst thing that can happen if I do/say...?"

If you live in the Golden Horseshoe (GTA/Hamilton/Niagara areas) and feel like counselling could help you through your workplace bullying challenge, please contact me through my website at www.juliechristiansen.com. You can also call toll-free, 1-866-754-6169.