Advice for Bullied Children

Bullying Is Not a Game

Bullying takes shape in a variety of forms: it can be physical (aggression or intimidation), social (relational, social isolation) or verbal (name calling, ridicule, belittling, shaming). Bullying behaviours can be identified in children as young as four years old and for some of those children, the behaviours continue until by Grade 7 or 8 they may have become accomplished bullies.  If children are not taught at a young age that bullying is unacceptable behaviour that will be immediately consequenced, there’s no reason for them to stop when they grow up and enter the workforce. An estimated 37 percent of employees were subjected to ongoing bullying behavior according to research by the Workplace Bullying Institute and Zogby International (2007). In fact, workplace bullying has been defined as a chronic “form of abuse with similarities to domestic violence and the constant exposure of ... health service workers to violent and distressing situations” (Tehrani, 2004).  

Bullying is occurring in playgrounds, classrooms, school hallways, cafeterias, sports teams, clubs, volunteer organizations, and workplaces all around the world. It is only when bullying hits home with its devastating and debilitating pain that it becomes very clear that bullying is not just ‘kids being kids’; rather, bullying is a severe and dangerous threat to a person’s health and well-being.  Bullying is not a game.

Bullying Advice:

If you are being bullied and don’t know what to do …

Talk to someone you trust. This can be your parent, grandparent or person that looks after you. Tell them what happened and how it made you feel if you can. Tell them you need their help. You should also tell someone at the school. It can be a teacher, principal or an adult you trust.

If you don’t feel like you are safe at school tell your teacher or your principal. “I do not feel safe”.

Explain what happened as best as you can. Sometimes it is hard to remember what happened. It’s easy to forget the details when you are scared. If you can, write down what happened; this will help you remember.

Find a safe place in the school. Here are a few ideas but maybe you and your teacher can think of some more … Helping another teacher or helping another class room. Ask if there is something you can do during recess and lunch if you don’t feel that you can be with the other kids. Maybe help in the office. This doesn’t have to be forever but just for a little while until you feel comfortable.

Never do anything you do not feel comfortable doing. If someone wants you to talk to the bully or suggests you “try to work it out” and you don’t feel comfortable doing so, say you don’t want to and ask to speak to your parent.

These strategies are excerpted from Bullying is Not a Game: A Parents’ Survival Guide by Julie Christiansen (www.angersolution.com) and Laurie Flasko. Follow us on Facebook: www.facebook.com/pages/Bullying-is-Not-a-Game.

Anger Solutions: Myth Busters

Do you ever wonder what anger really is and how one can resolve it? Are you tired of hearing the term "anger management" applied to EVERYTHING:

"She has anger management issues"
"He needs anger management"
"Hockey coach shows his lack of anger management"?

Wouldn't you appreciate tools that can actually help you EXPRESS your anger and RESOLVE it rather than just trying to CONTROL anger all the time?

Over the years, we have polled close to 1000 audience members and trainees to find out what they believe to be true about anger, and this short video shares the most common answers, as well as debunks these very widely accepted myths. You will notice that each myth builds on the first one, leading to a very complex set of faulty beliefs that negatively impact the way we perceive and choose to resolve anger. Understanding what anger IS, and the importance of expressing rather than managing it is the first step to getting a handle on your angry feelings.

http://www.youtube.com/watch?v=I7v8zN6m-7w&feature=share&list=UUmzTzcaQ1dJNMStQjc4-qEg&index=1

To learn more, you can order your E-Boook version of Anger Solutions: Proven Strategies for Effectively Resolving Anger and Taking Control of Your Emotions for only $5.99 at www.smashwords.com OR you can purchase a hard copy of the book for $24.99 at www.store.angersolution.com.

Getting Past Your Past: Release Your Past-Based Fears

Do you realize that much of our fear of the future is based on our past experiences? Think about that and then consider how ridiculous that is. Somewhere between childhood and adulthood, we develop an unhealthy fear of taking risks.

Imagine if a baby decided after one failed attempt at walking that the effort "just wasn't worth it". That child would never know the benefits of walking or running and all the joys that mobility can bring. Could you picture a 35 year-old man crawling to work everyday because he just never bothered learning to walk? NO! That is because babies have this innate tenacity that propels them forward even when accomplishing the task seems daunting. They don't give up until they have mastered their latest challenge.

Take note, that as parents, we ENCOURAGE our children to succeed at walking and talking. Perhaps this is the absent factor in much of our lack of success as adults: as we grow and develop, encouragement turns to criticism, much of it negative. Over time negative programming gets in our way. Whereas when we were children we thought, "Mom and Dad can walk, then so can I. I'll just keep trying until I can do it too", now we think, "Jim tried this and failed. What makes me think that I can succeed? I had better not try, because I don't want to look stupid."

Dr. Laura Schlessinger has said, "Failure is not a person; it is an event." This is so true, isn't it! We tend to believe that because we tried something once and failed, then we are doomed to failure from here to eternity. I remember one of my clients who was struggling with the idea of using more assertive behaviour. I encouraged her to use what she had been learning in the classroom with someone safe, whom she could trust. She returned the following week and announced, "Well, I tried being assertive with my husband and he just laughed at me. It doesn't work!" Isn't that just the way we are sometimes? We just throw our hands up and give in after the first (and usually half-hearted) attempt at success.

Anthony Robbins suggests that we tend to stay away from a thing because of fear of failure (pain) until the pain of NOT DOING the thing is greater than the pain of the FEAR. This notion stems from Freud's pain/pleasure principle - that we will always do more to avoid pain than we will to attain pleasure. This explains why for a time after a breakup people will shy away from relationships. They fear the pain of being hurt again. Eventually the pain of being alone overtakes the pain of "What if I get hurt?", so they take a risk and try again with someone new. This cycle is long, arduous, and unnecessary. By coming to the realization that failure is just an event that does not determine who you are, you will be more able to readily dismiss the events of the past so that you can take on the challenges of the future.

Now back to my client who thought assertiveness was useless... I encouraged her to continue using her assertiveness skills, and to be persistent. She kept using assertive language and behaviour in a setting that was safe for her until she grew confident enough that she could use them in the "real world". What do you think she discovered about assertiveness? It does indeed work! She, like a wobbly toddler, needed to keep plugging away at it until she mastered the skill. It is that simple. The events of the past do not have to overshadow our decisions about the future.

That is not to say we should not try to anticipate what may come our way in the future, and prepare for those contingencies in advance; however, releasing the guilt and unresolved feelings of the past will enable us to move ahead into the future with less FEAR.

In their amazing book, The Aladdin Factor, Jack Canfield and Mark Victor Hansen call FEAR, False Evidence Appearing Real. In other words, those things we fear are for the most part, unlikely events, specters raised by the ghosts of our past, whose goal is to cripple us emotionally and motivationally. Realizing that fear is simply an emotion based on past failures and negative experiences - not actual present-based reality - is imperative for getting past the past and moving on into the future.

To learn more about how to get past your past, please visit: https://store.angersolution.com  to purchase your copy of Getting Past Your Past by Julie A. Christiansen, M.A. The 2 CD set comes with a hard-cover spiral bound workbook with exercises accompanying the audio. $49.95 +GST.