Stop Being "Judgy"! Anger is Not Bad

Myth No. 2: Anger is BAD

Well… Yeah!  If anger is behaviour, then of course it is bad -- that goes without saying.  If anger equals hitting, yelling, screaming, slamming doors, and all the other behaviours we see as negative, then no wonder we see anger as bad.  The truth is, experiencing the emotion of anger in and of itself is not “bad”, although the ways we choose to express anger can sometimes be labelled as “bad” or “unacceptable”. 

        Have you been conceptualizing anger as a behaviour - a BAD behaviour? Time to re-think this! Keep an eye on this thread to see what else about anger just isn't true.

#angermanagement #angersolutions 

It's Not True! Anger is not Behavior

Myths about Anger - A thread

Myth 1: Anger is behaviour

I know you are likely getting tired of reading this over and over again, but a wise man said, “Repetition is the mother of skill”.  So hear this again: Anger is NOT behaviour!  Anger is experienced as a negative emotion, one of the basic four emotions that we as humans experience: happy, sad, mad, and afraid.  We do not do happy, or sad or afraid.  Why then should we expect to do anger?  We do not use the term, “I’m getting happy!” on a regular basis, but it is not unusual for one to say, “I’m getting mad at you!” 

Tradition says that anger is what we see, and it is a mask for more "primary" emotions that lie beneath the surface. This is not true! Anger is, in fact, a basic emotion that emerges as early as the first year of life. The reality is that anger is NOT what we see. We see scowling, grimacing, we hear yelling or swearing, we hear verbal abuse, we see doors slamming, erratic driving, or aggressive, intimidating actions. What we SEE is behavior.

I have found the myth that anger is behavior to be the most widely believed in our society.  It is what I call a “foundational” belief, because almost every other myth that exists about anger rests upon this first one.  It is imperative that we go right to the heart of the matter and change this foundational belief.  Once this myth is dispelled, the other myths will melt away like the Wicked Witch of the West.

Would you like to know more about anger and how to resolve it safely and appropriately? My book, Anger Solutions: Proven Strategies for Effectively Resolving Anger and Taking Control of Your Emotions remains available for a limited time! Grab your copy before they're all gone.

What is the Anger Solutions Program?

About the Anger Solutions™ Program

The Anger Solutions™ Program was developed out of an expressed need for a comprehensive anger management program that would serve the needs of individuals dealing with a mental illness. Due to contributing factors such as the side effects of medications, varying degrees of cognitive functionality, and in some cases, a decline in mental/emotional stability for the client group, the program needed to be:

1.    simple and easy to understand

2.    presented in a way that would enable the clients to assimilate their new skills

3.    hands-on vs. theoretical in its approach

4.    flexible enough to meet the diverse needs of the client group

5.    deliverable in a 1-hour format over 10 to 12 weeks

From this initial need, the following philosophy and program format was developed over four years of research and practical application:

1. To keep the program simple, it uses as little technical jargon as possible – keeping it at about the Grade 6/7 level of literacy/understanding (the same as daily newspapers)
2. The program follows the Psycho-Social Rehabilitation Model of Lifeskills acquisition and application in order to ensure the repetition and steady building of new skills
3. The Anger Solutions™ Program uses the WIT Model (Whatever It Takes) to reach its participants – successfully and effectively combining a variety of therapeutic approaches including Cognitive Behavioural Therapy, Rational Emotive Therapy, Reality Therapy (Choice Theory), Art and Music Therapy, and Solution Focused Brief Therapy principles.  This not only provides us with various hands-on tools we can apply within the program, but also creates a level of flexibility to work within the individual needs of the client group.
4. The program was designed to be deliverable in one – 1.5 hour modules over a 10-week period. It can be condensed to an 8 week program or extended to 12 weeks.
5. Note that over the initial 4 years of study and use, the program’s content evolved in order to meet the needs of a more diverse group (including children, people with Acquired Brain Injury, addictions, corrections, and developmental delay); however, the philosophy and structure has remained the same.
6. The program’s wholistic approach addresses pre-cursors to anger development including:

-                      poor self-esteem

-                      poor communication skills

-                      assertiveness training

-                      ingrained anger  styles, faulty beliefs, and misperceptions about anger

The Anger Solutions™ Program has various objectives:

1.            To educate and empower each participant to make right choices about their anger

2.            To encourage the taking of responsibility for one’s feelings and actions (vs. laying blame on outside influences)

3.            To effect a significant reduction in harmful, inappropriate behaviour on the part of the participant OR to completely eliminate target behaviours identified by the participant

4.            Participants will experience an increase in their ability to identify the precursors to their own anger, and will be able to make conscious choices both before anger escalates, and in situations of escalated anger

Additional effects or outcomes that can be expected as a result of successful completion of the program include but are not limited to:

1.    Significant increase in self-esteem

2.    Decrease or discontinuation of use of drugs or alcohol as self-medication

3.    Self-reported improvement in overall quality of life of participants

4.    Improvements in quality of mental health

5.    Significant decrease in physical ailments and physiological effects of stress

Measurement Tools used at Intake and Exit:

       Rosenberg Self Esteem Scale

       Clinical Anger Scale

       Anger Solutions™ Participant Surveys (Intake and Exit)

Training is provided on how to use these tools during the Train the Trainer program, and through our tele-seminar series.

Interested in receiving certification as an Anger Solutions Facilitator? Contact us! www.angersolution.com. 

Anger Solutions: Myth Busters

Do you ever wonder what anger really is and how one can resolve it? Are you tired of hearing the term "anger management" applied to EVERYTHING:

"She has anger management issues"
"He needs anger management"
"Hockey coach shows his lack of anger management"?

Wouldn't you appreciate tools that can actually help you EXPRESS your anger and RESOLVE it rather than just trying to CONTROL anger all the time?

Over the years, we have polled close to 1000 audience members and trainees to find out what they believe to be true about anger, and this short video shares the most common answers, as well as debunks these very widely accepted myths. You will notice that each myth builds on the first one, leading to a very complex set of faulty beliefs that negatively impact the way we perceive and choose to resolve anger. Understanding what anger IS, and the importance of expressing rather than managing it is the first step to getting a handle on your angry feelings.

http://www.youtube.com/watch?v=I7v8zN6m-7w&feature=share&list=UUmzTzcaQ1dJNMStQjc4-qEg&index=1

To learn more, you can order your E-Boook version of Anger Solutions: Proven Strategies for Effectively Resolving Anger and Taking Control of Your Emotions for only $5.99 at www.smashwords.com OR you can purchase a hard copy of the book for $24.99 at www.store.angersolution.com.

Anger Solutions now available in EBOOK format

Happy New Year!

I am very excited to announce that my most popular book, Anger Solutions: Proven Strategies for Effectively Resolving Anger and Taking Control of Your Emotions, is now available in EBook format. Thanks to the amazing folks at Smashwords Publishing (www.smashwords.com), you can now purchase and download the e-version of this book for your Kindle, Kobo, PDF reader, or other e-book reader format that you desire. 

The E-version of the book is much more affordable than the print version for a couple of reasons (only $5.99 USD)- first, it is an e-version and much less costly to produce -  no printing, shipping, or packaging costs are required on my end, and I can pass that savings on to you! Second, some of the content that was contained in the appendix of the print version is now out of date, or no longer needed in a digital version. Contact information for crisis lines across Canada, along with information about eating disorder clinics, grief counseling, partner assault response programs, etc., are readily available via the Internet. Readers are still encouraged to avail themselves of these resources; however, the listings from the print version were deleted for the e-version. Lastly, we have updated the bibliography and included complete references for the sources that informed the book. In all, the page count has been reduced to about 90 pages; however, the full content from all the chapters is there for your reading enjoyment.

Please tell your friends, and visit www.smashwords.com today to get your copy of Anger Solutions for your favourite e-reader.

If you still prefer PRINT, have no fear! You can still order a print version of Anger Solutions from our online store: http://store.angersolution.com.

Anger Solutions: Pain vs. Pleasure

People are always asking, "What makes Anger Solutions so much more effective than traditional anger management?" This is no simple question - as there are many facets of Anger Solutions that come together to make it an exceptional program. Today I want to share with you one of our great leveraging tools that help to contribute to our continued success. You heard about this a little from a previous posting in which I shared the story of Trey, and how I used pain as leverage to move him towards where he wanted to be.

This leveraging tool first conceptualized by Sigmund Freud is called, "The Pain/Pleasure Principle". It simply states that: Human beings will do more to avoid pain than they will to obtain pleasure.

Think about that for a minute: Human beings will do more to avoid pain than they will to obtain pleasure.

Ain't that the truth! Women will endure a great deal of abuse before they opt to leave a relationship. Employees will often put up with harrassment, put-downs, poor leadership, and all sorts of workplace challenges before they decide to leave a job. People will put up with all sorts of misbehaviour from loud, rowdy neighbours before they decide to call the police, start community action, or move to a quieter street. We have known this for years... that we must be highly frustrated or dissatisfied with a situation before we will attempt to make a change.

Why is this? Perhaps because there is safety in what we know. You've heard that old statement: "Better the devil you know than the devil you don't..." There is also a certain fear that is associated with changing - perhaps we will make the mistake of going from the frying pan into the fire.

This is also true when it comes to making behavioural change. It is so easy to do what we've always done - especially when there is some benefit in our current choice of action. Even if your present anger style is causing you pain, if you get the least amount of payoff from it, you will likely continue to use your old style because it is less painful than the perceived pain of trying to create change. We do this all the time - choose what we perceive to be the "lesser pain" rather than opting for what will bring us the "greater pleasure" in the long run.

Here's an example: Jon Smith is angry at his wife. He doesn't know how to talk to her without hurting her feelings, so he hides his anger by going out to the bars after work. This is causing him pain as well - because he is in effect alienating his wife and creating more distance between them. However, the perceived pain of confrontation is too much for him to handle so he avoids it by choosing the "lesser pain" of retreating to the bars. Jon's problem is that he has not considered the "greater pleasure" of what might happen if he sits down with his wife and has that difficult conversation. He is too afraid of the immediate discomfort and cannot see past that to how his relationship with his wife might be better if they just talk it out.

Anger Solutions challenges this way of thinking and encourages people to address the pain/pleasure principle on a conscious level. This proves to be an incredible leveraging tool - try it for yourself!

How would you apply the principle of pleasure and pain to the following situations?

1. Quitting smoking

2. Foolish binge spending

3. Losing you temper at work

Here's a Hint:

List the perceived benefits of each behaviour (or the "lesser pain") and remember what William Glasser says: "People do what makes sense to them..." If there is even a little benefit in the behaviour although it is painful, people will continue to do it.List the downside - what is truly painful about this behaviour (the "greater pain")?

Identify why it doesn't make sense. The key here is to emphasize the painful aspects or consequences of the behaviour...

Ask yourself: If by changing my behaviour, I could achieve the same or better feeling of pleasure without experiencing so much pain, would I change?

Anger Solutions for High Stress Situations

I'll tell you what, sometimes stress creeps up on you and other times it smacks you right in the face with a cast iron frying pan. The "creepy" stress is often recognized as "hassles", and some research indicates that the hassle factor is often what creates the feeling of cumulative stress in the body. Stress can also be induced by single events that have a significant meaning, and often come attached with intense emotional responses. What happens when these two intersections meet?

Two words: Shut Down.

How do you get back on your feet after being blindsided by both the daily hassles of life and a major "catastrophic event"?

Here are some steps that can help:

1. Rest. When the stress response overloads the body, it can be a jarring shock to the system. The fight or flight response exists to serve you in the face of impending danger, and should only last for a few seconds - minutes at best. But when you are in a heightened state of extreme stress for hours or perhaps even days, the body has no time to recover and to return to its normal state. This creates an intense energy drain, causing muscle weakness, pain in the joints, headaches, elevated heart rate and blood pressure, increases in sugar and cholesterol production, shortness of breath, and a host of other physiological symptoms. The best way to help your parasympathetic nervous system to do its job is to rest your body so that it can settle all of these responses down and bring you back to baseline. Go to bed. Lay down on the couch. Relax on the porch. Rest.




2. Drink lots of water and breathe deeply. Two things your body needs desperately in order to survive and thrive are water and oxygen. When you are in a heightened state of stress, the body is deprived of both. You must replenish these losses as quickly as possible or else you will continue to experience headaches, nausea, upset stomach, irritability, insomnia, confusion/short-attention, and breathing problems. So, always remember to hydrate and oxygenate!




3. Exercise. Do this whatever way is comfortable for you, but if possible, get outdoors. A hike in the woods or walking along a waterway is incredibly calming and has a way of speeding the parasympathetic response into doing its job. Be sure to warm up and cool down, and to stretch those tired, achy muscles. It will do wonders.




4. Meditate on what is good in your life. The longer you focus on what is stressing you out, the worse you will feel, and the longer you will stay in sympathetic response. Think on things that make you feel good, bring you joy, or that inspire your hope for the future. Focus on what is positive about these current stressors, and BREATHE. Breathe in hope and optimism - breathe out tension and fear. Let everything come back to its right balance.

Follow through on these simple steps and soon your body will stop reeling from the stress and will be back in fine form to face the challenges of the day once again.

For more tips like these on how to cope with stress, purchase a copy of my new book, When the Last Straw Falls: 30 Ways to Keep Stress From Breaking Your Back. $24.95 - available exclusively at www.angersolution.com/laststraw.php.

Comments on Anger Management and Emotional Abuse

Here are some interesting comments from Dr. Steven Stosny about why traditional anger management programs don't work for perpetrators of emotional abuse. I have highlighted and bolded the comments that I think are spot on as it relates to Anger Solutions philosophy.

Steven Stosny, Ph.D., is the founder of CompassionPower in suburban Washington, DC. Dr. Steven Stosny's most recent books are, How to Improve your Marriage without Talking about It: Finding Love Beyond Words , and Love Without Hurt: Turn Your Resentful, Angry, or Emotionally Abusive Relationship into a Compassionate, Loving One .You can check out his blog: Anger in the Age of Entitlement.

Emotional Abuse: Why Anger Management Didn't Work

By Steven Stosny on May 12, 2009 - 8:03pm in Anger in the Age of Entitlement

Anger management programs for emotional or verbal abusers sometimes produce short-term gains that disappear when follow-up is done a year or so later. That was probably your experience if your partner took an anger management class. If you're lucky, you may have seen a lower tone to the chronic blame - anger management classes sometimes turn a yeller into a stonewaller.

The worst kind of anger management class teaches men to "get in touch with their anger" and to "express it" or "get it out." The assumption is that emotions are like 19th century steam engines that need to "let off steam" on a regular basis. These kinds of classes include things like punching bags and using foam baseball bats to club imaginary adversaries. (Guess who would be the imaginary victim of your partner's foam-softened clubbing?) Studies have shown that this approach actually makes people angrier and more hostile, not to mention more entitled to act out their anger. Participants are training their brains to associate controlled aggression rather than compassion and reconciliation with anger.

Hopefully, your partner did not attend one of these discredited classes on anger expression. But you might not have been so lucky when it came to the second worse form of anger management: "desensitization." In that kind of class your husband would identify your behaviors that "push his buttons," things like you "nagging" him or asking too much of him. The instructor would then work to make those behaviors seem less "provocative" to him. The techniques include things like ignoring it, avoiding it, or pretending it's funny. Didn't you always dream that one day your husband would learn to be less angry by ignoring you and avoiding you or thinking that you're funny when you ask him about something serious?His feelings of inadequacy and sense of entitlement -- not specific behaviors -- trigger his anger. Even if the class succeeds in making him less sensitive to your "nagging," he will nevertheless get irritable when you tell him you love him, as that will stir his guilt and sense of inadequacy.

Desensitizing doesn't work at all on resentment, which is the precursor to most angry and abusive behavior. Resentment is not simply a reflexive response to a specific thing you say or do; it works like a defensive system in itself. That's why you don't resent just one or two or two hundred things. When you're resentful, you are constantly scanning the environment for any possible bad news, lest it sneak up on you.

Anger-management classes try to deal with this constant level of arousal with techniques to manage it, that is, to keep your husband from getting so upset that he feels compelled to act out his anger. "Don't make it worse," is the motto of most anger management classes. If he was aggressive, they taught him to withdraw. If he shut down, they taught him to be more assertive.

What they didn't teach him was how to act according to his deeper values, which would make him stop blaming his vulnerable feelings on you. If attempts to manage anger don't appeal to core values, resentful men begin to feel like they're "swallowing it," or "going along to avoid an argument." This erodes their self-esteem and justifies, in their minds, occasional blow ups: "I am sick and tired of putting up with your crap!" Then they can feel self-righteous: "I'm mad as hell and I'm not going to take it anymore!"

In a love relationship, managing anger is not the point. You need to promote compassion, which is the only reliable prevention of resentment, anger, and abuse.

MY COMMENTS: I have to agree with most of this article - although in Anger Solutions we do use techniques identified above like pillow punching, these techniques are not used to replace effective expression of anger, but to help release residual anger after the participants have completed all the other more valuable steps of challenging their beliefs, identifying their emotional state, using the TSA model to express anger, and seeking resolution.

We also make sure that people understand the context in which releasing residual anger is appropriate - where, why, and how we should do it. I agree that without effective controls in place when teaching this component, participants could take it wrong and believe that they can re-direct their feelings of aggression into inanimate objects while holding on to the negative feelings of anger or resentment.

Aside from this singular point of clarification, I think Dr. Stosny is right on - anger management is just a band aid - one that may actually make the wound that it was trying to heal worse.