Never Negotiate Who You Are - Brene Brown

I came across this video and it really resonated. How do we enter into negotiations in business, family, or community and maintain our sense of self? What does it mean when people say they have 'trust issues'? How do we communicate with others the factors that impede our ability to trust them? This video provides clear insight with measurable factors that will contribute to improving your trust factor.

Goodbye Fear: The Breakup Song

I cannot get enough of Francesca Battistelli's new song, "The Breakup Song". I love that part of the chorus that says, "I ain't got time for you telling me what I'm not, like you know me... well guess what? I know who I am. I know I'm strong, and I am free - got my own identity! So, fear, you will never be welcome here."

Lately, I've been pushing the limits of my comfort zone in a BIG way. And with those efforts to push my own boundaries comes a crate-load of fear and anxiety. That may be why those of you following my Instagram feeds have noticed my obsession with quotes about overcoming fear. It would seem that we need to be reminded, and often, that fear is a liar, and that we have the ability to push through our fears to the rewards at the other side.

I truly believe that everything you want is on the other side of fear. That means, to get to the beautiful outcomes we desire and yearn for, there is work involved. It is the work of pushing through our own limitations, tamping down fear, managing our anxiety, and taking the steps however many or few may be required to take us toward our goals.

In conversation with some friends the other day, we asked one of the ladies about her experience tandem parachuting out of a plane. She reported that the most difficult step was the one that took her out of the plane. She further noted that once she was flying, it did not feel at all like she was "falling". Rather, to her it felt like she was floating, or suspended in animation, and it was only when they got closer to the ground did it feel like falling. That said, the training kicked in, and she landed safely and walked away with an amazing experience that she would always remember.

Life is a lot like that, don't you think? It often feels like achieving our goals is mountains of work, and that it is just too much effort to follow through. But for my friend, all she needed to do was to commit to ONE step. The rest was achieved through momentum, gravity, faith in her tandem jumper, and remembering to follow through on the procedure for a safe landing. We don't realize that the first step towards our goals - saying YES, signing the contract, asking for the job, hitting the "send" button on that email, joining that mastermind group, or purchasing that service - is often the most difficult step of all. It is the step loaded with commitment and finality that is the most difficult to take. The one that takes you out of the safety of the plane and into the unknown - that one... THAT ONE is the one that requires you to push through your fear. The rest, as they say, will become history.

So sing along with me... "Fear, you don't own me..." Take that step and see what amazing outcomes you will achieve.

Here's Francesca's official song video for you to enjoy!

Stress Management: Attitude is Where It Begins

Attitude is

Where It All Begins

When you think about stress management, what do you think of? Do you picture hammocks, white sandy beaches, and azure blue oceans? Do you think of soothing music, candles, and a hot bath in a claw-foot tub overflowing with bubbles? Or perhaps you are picturing yourself laying on a plush leather couch while you free-associate about your childhood.  While the above strategies may prove useful to reducing your stress, I would like to begin with the simplest of concepts; one that is essential to managing one’s stress. 

Many have heard me say, “Belief is the basis of action. Your behaviour will always be in accordance with your beliefs.”  This is as true for stress as it is for any other aspect of our lives.  Richard Lazarus, one of the first to coin the word “stress”, described it as a feeling or state that occurs when the perceived demands on one’s life (whether emotional, social, financial, intellectual, etc.) exceed the resources one has available.  In other words, if you don’t think (or believe) that you can handle the demands currently placed upon you, you will experience stress. 

While stress may express itself through physiological cues, it is a total experience, encompassing mind, body, and spirit.  Thus, stress must be combated on all of those levels.  The first of these battlegrounds is that of the mind, as that is where stress begins. It begins with your perceptions, and the choices you make in dealing with them.  If you choose to believe that your situation is hopeless, your mind will stop seeking for answers and go into survival mode. Your body will assume the physiological state of fight or flight, causing a rise in heart rate and blood pressure, an excessive production of blood sugar and cholesterol, and an increase in the production of cortisol, norepinephrine, and serotonin. 

All of these physical responses can wreak havoc on the body if left unchecked.  Too often though, we tend to try to resolve what is happening in the body without first addressing what is taking place on the battlefield of the mind.   You must first adjust your attitude if you wish to successfully keep your stress levels in check.

Am I saying that one should not be justified in feeling alarmed when a crisis comes up?  Absolutely not.  It is a natural response to feel a little overwhelmed from time to time when crises arise in our lives.  However, how you respond to the crisis in your mind will, in the end, determine your overall ability to cope with it. 

A negative attitude will invariably gnaw away at your capability to fight, to seek answers or solutions, and to prevail against the presenting challenge.  By remaining solution focused, you can train your brain to look for the positive aspects of the current challenge.  You will be able to look back on previous crises in your life, and draw on the strength of knowing that you were able to survive it, and perhaps even take from some of the skills you used in the last situation to help you through this one.

It has been said that the mind is a terrible thing to waste.  Indeed, the mind is a powerful tool, when used correctly.  By asking yourself key questions, you can train your mind to work for you rather than against you in the battle for optimum stress.  Here are some questions you can use to help you train your brain to develop positive attitudes:

1.                   What’s good about this?

2.                  What can I learn from this?

3.                  How can this situation help me become stronger?

4.                  Who has been through something similar that I can call on for help or advice?

5.                  What skills or resources do I have that I can use to help me in this situation?

6.                  How can I become a better person as a result of this crisis?

Begin carefully asking yourself these questions so that you can prepare your brain with a positive attitude to help you deal effectively with each stress-inducing situation as it arises. Remember that the only time you will not experience stress is when you are dead. We will always experience some stress because it shows that we are growing, learning, developing, and evolving; the question is whether or not it will be mobilizing or optimum stress, or whether it will be the consuming kind. Maintaining a positive attitude, one that seeks to find the good in each situation, and looks for ways to learn from each challenge, will propel you towards a state of optimum stress. Whenever stressful challenges arise, remember, attitude is where it all begins.          

Do you like what you see here? For more on practical stress management strategies, get the book: When the Last Straw Falls: 30 Ways to Keep Stress from Breaking Your Back

Anger Solutions for High Stress Situations

I'll tell you what, sometimes stress creeps up on you and other times it smacks you right in the face with a cast iron frying pan. The "creepy" stress is often recognized as "hassles", and some research indicates that the hassle factor is often what creates the feeling of cumulative stress in the body. Stress can also be induced by single events that have a significant meaning, and often come attached with intense emotional responses. What happens when these two intersections meet?

Two words: Shut Down.

How do you get back on your feet after being blindsided by both the daily hassles of life and a major "catastrophic event"?

Here are some steps that can help:

1. Rest. When the stress response overloads the body, it can be a jarring shock to the system. The fight or flight response exists to serve you in the face of impending danger, and should only last for a few seconds - minutes at best. But when you are in a heightened state of extreme stress for hours or perhaps even days, the body has no time to recover and to return to its normal state. This creates an intense energy drain, causing muscle weakness, pain in the joints, headaches, elevated heart rate and blood pressure, increases in sugar and cholesterol production, shortness of breath, and a host of other physiological symptoms. The best way to help your parasympathetic nervous system to do its job is to rest your body so that it can settle all of these responses down and bring you back to baseline. Go to bed. Lay down on the couch. Relax on the porch. Rest.




2. Drink lots of water and breathe deeply. Two things your body needs desperately in order to survive and thrive are water and oxygen. When you are in a heightened state of stress, the body is deprived of both. You must replenish these losses as quickly as possible or else you will continue to experience headaches, nausea, upset stomach, irritability, insomnia, confusion/short-attention, and breathing problems. So, always remember to hydrate and oxygenate!




3. Exercise. Do this whatever way is comfortable for you, but if possible, get outdoors. A hike in the woods or walking along a waterway is incredibly calming and has a way of speeding the parasympathetic response into doing its job. Be sure to warm up and cool down, and to stretch those tired, achy muscles. It will do wonders.




4. Meditate on what is good in your life. The longer you focus on what is stressing you out, the worse you will feel, and the longer you will stay in sympathetic response. Think on things that make you feel good, bring you joy, or that inspire your hope for the future. Focus on what is positive about these current stressors, and BREATHE. Breathe in hope and optimism - breathe out tension and fear. Let everything come back to its right balance.

Follow through on these simple steps and soon your body will stop reeling from the stress and will be back in fine form to face the challenges of the day once again.

For more tips like these on how to cope with stress, purchase a copy of my new book, When the Last Straw Falls: 30 Ways to Keep Stress From Breaking Your Back. $24.95 - available exclusively at www.angersolution.com/laststraw.php.

Author of Anger Solutions Releases New Book about Stress

Author, Speaker, and Coach, Julie Christiansen has released her new book, When the Last Straw Falls: 30 Ways to Keep Stress from Breaking Your Back. The book release party takes place May 12, 2011 at the St. Catharines Museum Interactive Room at the Welland Canal (Lock 3) in St. Catharines. Julie was recently interviewed by Hugh Reilly, Host of ThatChannel's Liquid Lunch and the book has also been featured on CTS Television's "Real Life".

When the Last Straw Falls is currently available EXCLUSIVELY at AngerSolution.com: http://www.angersolution.com/laststraw.php. Trade Paperback, 190 pages, $24.95 CN.

Building Resiliency - a Stress Management Strategy

“The ultimate measure of a man is not where he stands in moments of comfort and convenience, but where he stands at times of challenge and controversy.”
Martin Luther King, Jr.


Building Resiliency

Have you ever been lost? I mean really lost – out in the middle of nowhere with no cell phone, no map, no GPS, and no service station or farm-house where you can stop and ask directions? Have you ever felt that sense of sheer panic and helplessness?

Imagine… the wave of nausea that hits you like a wall of bricks when you realize you have no idea where you are. You have no one with you, you can see no recognizable landmarks, and the more you try to find your way, the more you realize that you keep ending up in a place that looks exactly like where you were 2 hours ago. Can you feel it? The anxiety? The heart inside of you beating its way out of your chest – the sweat as it beads on your forehead – the tightening of your stomach as you sit at the crossroads, searching furtively from unmarked country road to unmarked country road, trying to figure out which way to turn?

That is what it is like to have no resiliency.

Resiliency. The ability to bounce back. The Psychology Foundation of Canada identifies four key components that together create resiliency:
1. Feeling like you belong – having a support system,
2. Being able to deal effectively with one’s emotions,
3. Having good problem-solving skills and feeling like you have control in your life, and
4. Having a positive, optimistic attitude.

Imagine again, that you are back in the above situation – desperately lost, in the middle of nowhere, wondering where to turn. Now imagine that someone you love, trust, and depend on is in the vehicle with you. S/he is bending over a map of the county, trying to figure out where you are. How does it feel now? Do you feel safer? Would you be able to manage your anxiety better? Now imagine that your friend or family member has a smart phone with a built in GPS. Even if there is no signal in this no-man’s land where you are now, you know that if you can get someplace where there is a signal, you can get your bearings. Does this help you to feel more reassured? Now, what if in your glove box, there was a compass, so that you could figure out what direction you were headed? Between the map and the compass, and the support of your friend, do you think you might have a better chance of finding your way? I dare say you might!

When you’re on your own, it’s like being without a compass, rudder, or sails out on the open sea. Cloud cover inhibits your ability to even navigate by the stars, and even if you could use the stars to find your way, you have no rudder whereby to steer your vessel. In order to build resiliency, you must have a support system – people you can trust to help you put things in perspective, to help you flex your optimism muscles and cope with the influx of emotions you might experience when under duress.

When the last straw is about to fall, resiliency – your ability to bounce back – will be the difference maker for your outcomes.

READ When the Last Straw Falls: 30 Ways to Keep Stress from Breaking Your Back by getting your own copy at http://www.angersolution.com/laststraw.php. Available EXCLUSIVELY from Leverage U.

Well - You Can't Control That!

Well - you can’t control THAT!

It seems that whenever I am scheduled to facilitate a Stress Busters program or focusing on the Stress Management aspect of my work, that things crop up to test my own ability in the area of stress and anger resolution. The last time I ran a Stress Busters course, I had a lot of speaking engagements booked back-to-back. With my schedule in mind, I planned my print/ship schedule for recent book orders in advance. However, due to circumstances beyond my control, I missed my ship time, and had to send materials out the next day. The items were picked up early in the a.m., so I expected all to go well. No worries - move on to something else... except - the next day, tracking showed that my boxes were stranded on a truck and would not make the delivery deadline. Instant stress.

Remember - stress is defined as a feeling that occurs when the current demands exceed the perceived resources available. So I started looking for resources in the hopes that my stress would be resolved along with the problem. I called my printer and arranged for them to do an emergency re-print of the materials. Then I hunted down another courier who claimed they could get my delivery in on time if I got it out before 5 p.m. OK - things were looking up. I got my reprints, ran across town to the courier and shipped it off. Then, I scooted back home again to deal with everything else that had been placed on the back burner while I managed this crisis.

I went off and facilitated my Stress Busters session and reminded myself that we can only deal with what we can control. Everything else is… well... a waste of time if we worry about it.
As it happens, when I checked the tracking number of my new shipment it turned out that an attempt had been made to deliver, but there was apparently no one there to sign for it - so they kept it, and would try again Monday. The problem is - they needed it NOW - Monday would be too late. That was the last straw.

So what are you gonna do? Absolutely nothing. I can't control the courier or what s/he does with my package. I can't control the recipient. I can't control what is happening on the other end where the package should be - but isn't. All I can control is this overwhelming urge to curl up in fetal position and cry.

Seriously - if this isn't a teachable moment, what is? If I can borrow from Oprah's favourite line, "What I know for sure" is that stuff happens. There is some stuff you can avoid or prevent, but sometimes despite your best efforts, things will just go horribly, horribly wrong. You can't explain it, and you can't control it. All you can do is control your own responses so that you can get to the best possible outcome.

Through this I have learned that trying to be accommodating on one end can cause huge inconveniences on another - and there must always be a balance between the two. I have learned that we must always factor in at least 20% more time than is ever needed to do ANYTHING - including delivering packages. I have learned that overnight delivery, can often mean 2-3 business days - thank you very much. And I have learned that I can never know enough about how to cope through crisis - because just when you think you've seen it all, God drops a new one in your lap.

Listen up… The last straw is falling. It may not have landed yet. In fact, you may not be feeling that stressed or overwhelmed at all right now. But life is just like that: just as we get used to living with a level of stress that is manageable, all of a sudden things can heat up without warning. The straw is falling. Somewhere, sometime, perhaps when you least expect it, it will land on you. Are you ready for it?

My new book, When the Last Straw Falls: 30 Ways to Keep Stress from Breaking Your Back, was written to equip you with everything you need to prevent the proverbial “last straw” from breaking you. It is available now from my website, www.angersolution.com/laststraw.php. Here are a few parting tips. When Stress Threatens to Overwhelm You:
• Breathe deeply – regulate your physical response
• Talk stressors through with others
• Check your attitudes & beliefs
• Laugh! It is the best medicine
• Change your perspectives
• Don’t allow the past to muddy the present

Lastly, when you are faced with circumstances that are completely beyond your power to change, shrug your shoulders, throw your hands up and say, “Well – You can’t control that!”
Written for The Anger Solutions Blog, http://angersolution.blogspot.com/

By Julie Christiansen, Author, International Speaker, Coach
President, Leverage U
www.angersolution.com
1-866-754-6169

Pick Your Battles

(Excerpted from Julie Christiansen's NEW book, When the Last Straw Falls: 30 Ways to Keep Stress from Breaking Your Back.)

Picture if you will, a young girl from the islands, whose only experience with music is Gospel and R&B. Imagine her surprise when at the age of 9 she is given her first radio, and is introduced to Country music. Not just any kind of Country, mind you; we’re talking about the one, the only Kenny Rogers.

One would think that Country music would have no appeal for those who thrive on the soulful sounds of Motown hits; but even Maya Angelou, the great American poet found a universality and a sense of commonality in the lyrics of such songs as “The Gambler” and “Coward of the County”. They were songs about struggle, about doing the right thing, and about choosing your battles.

Kenny’s writing spoke to the hearts of millions who had been there; fighting for the things that really mattered. Not tangible things like money, valuables, houses or cars. They were fighting for the things that have true value: those intangibles – non-negotiables that are worth the battle. Love. Family. Faith. Freedom.

Yes, those intangibles are worth fighting for, right? You might be thinking, that’s all fine and good… everyone wants to fight the good fight. But right now I’m just struggling to get through my day!

This is exactly the point. For the most part, the majority of us are just trying to get through the day as we battle the day-to-day challenges of parenting, working, paying bills, figuring out relationships, and finding our place in the world.

How can you tell which battles are worth the fight? Begin with identifying the nature of each “battle scenario”.

1. What is happening? Identify exactly what is occurring in the moment. Take your time to look at the situation objectively, examining only the facts. By separating yourself from the emotionality of the moment, you will be able to see your stressors more clearly. Fighting battles is most difficult when you’re blind. Clear vision equals clear understanding, which will lead to better strategy. Sometimes the correct strategic choice will be to assertively engage; at other times, the best choice may be to walk away.

2. What does it mean? It has been said that nothing in life has any meaning except for the meaning you attach to it. Here are some examples:
a. Someone you love wants to drive drunk
b. You are faced with an ethical or moral dilemma
c. Your teenager wants to stay up late to watch a movie
d. Someone at work expresses romantic interest in you – the problem is, that someone is married
e. A stranger butts in line in front of you; he has three items, and you have 45
Which of these battles is worth fighting? Which might be best to let go? How would you define each of these events? What do they mean to you? The greater the meaning, the more likely you will have to do something about it. If it is just a minor annoyance, you may want to leave this battle for another day.

3. What is the lifetime value of this event? This is a question I ask myself every time I am faced with something that causes me stress, requires a decision, or demands that I take a stand. Deciding on how important this event will be within the context of your life will help clarify what steps might be necessary to ensure you get the best outcome for now and the future.

4. How do you feel about what is happening? Identifying and naming your emotional response is a vital step in deciding how to proceed in any conflict situation. It has already been noted that separating oneself from the heightened sensations of stress and charged emotions is useful when attempting to define the facts of a situation; however, at some point it is equally imperative that your feelings are acknowledged and placed into the context of the conflict. If you are feeling annoyed, you might respond differently than if you feel betrayed, rejected, alienated, or minimized. If you choose to engage in the conflict or stress-inducing situation, knowing how you feel and having the ability to assertively express your emotions will prove a great advantage.

5. What can you do to generate the best outcome? Always ask yourself what the best and worst possible outcomes might be for each problem-solving option you may be considering. By weighing out the pros and cons of each decision and following the path that will most likely lead to the best outcome for all concerned, your final choice of action is more likely to be the best one.

I was standing in line at the grocery store as the clerk, on automatic pilot, scanned my cart full of dry and canned goods, cleaning supplies, freezer items and fresh produce. It was a store that gave you the option to box your items rather than purchase plastic bags; whenever possible, I always tried to use boxes. Looking up, I noticed there were two empty boxes at the end of my checkout. I thought to myself, how gratuitous! Gratefully, I snatched them up – glad that I wouldn’t have to search through the bin at the front of the store for a couple of good sturdy boxes.

As I started loading my scanned items into the first box, I heard the man behind me in the line snarl to his female companion, “That figures – she stole our boxes!” Immediately, my frustration signal started going off – ding, ding, ding! The first though that went through my mind was, Since when do people OWN the grocery store’s discarded boxes? The next thought that went through my mind was that I should turn around and ask the man if he had something he needed to say to my face… It wasn’t my finest moment as the Anger Lady.

Then, I took a step back and evaluated the situation using the strategy map I just provided for you.

1. What is happening? Some guy – a stranger, someone I will never likely meet again, is upset because he thinks I took something that is important to him.
2. What does it mean? The boxes mean nothing to me – I just thought they were handy. But they obviously mean something to him. He thinks I stole his boxes on purpose. That he is feeling angry and agitated on account of something I did, is meaningful for me; and as such, will influence how I handle this situation.
3. What is the lifetime value of this event? On a scale of 1 to 10, about a ZERO. I have nothing invested in a relationship with this man and his companion. We are basically ships passing in the night – there is no relationship to salvage or to destroy. The boxes have no value to me either, so there is no need for this potential conflict to escalate.
4. How do I feel about what is happening? A bit annoyed by the man’s passive-aggressive approach, but otherwise unaffected. I don’t care about the boxes, so why should I feel upset?
5. What can I do to generate the best possible outcome? Give back the boxes, apologize for the misunderstanding, and move on.

Now, no word of a lie, this entire decision-making process took less than 15 seconds. Upon evaluating the situation, I immediately turned to the couple and said, “I’m sorry. I didn’t realize that you had set these boxes aside.” I then began to remove all of my carefully packed groceries from the first box.

The woman began to attempt a weak apology of her own (for her partner’s grumpy reaction), and I basically waved it off, reiterated that this was not a problem, and then set off in search of two equally suitable boxes from the bin. I paid for my groceries, packed them up and walked away from the store feeling nothing but a bit of residual energy that infuses the body whenever it is faced with any kind of real or perceived threat. When I arrived home, I told my spouse about it, and breathed a silent Thank You that the “box fiasco” had not escalated into something ugly in the checkout line of my favourite grocery store.

Can you do this too? I’m certain that you can! This is the “T” part of my TSA formula that is explained in full in my book, Anger Solutions. The full formula is this:

T = Think – what is happening, what does it mean, how do I feel, what is the lifetime value of this event, and what do I want to do about it?

S= Say – speak assertively about how you feel, what you want, etc. Explain why you believe this is a problem and present a possible solution.

A= Ask – ask for the other party’s input. Be sure they understood what you said, and ask how they feel about it. This is the beginning of dialogue and the first step towards resolution of the problem.

With practice, you too can carefully and speedily evaluate each challenge, problem, or conflict that comes your way, and make decisions about how to respond in a way that gets you the very best possible outcomes. Pick your battles!

To order your copy of When the Last Straw Falls, go to http://www.angersolution.com/laststraw.php.

Give Yourself Permission to Stress Less

At the many events at which I am invited to speak, I am often asked for “one simple tidbit” to help people manage their stress more effectively. In my book, Stress Less in 27 Days, I provide a toolkit equipping you with 26 simple and practical strategies to help you to cope with, decrease, or transform your consuming stress. However, if I were to produce just one tip for you, it would come in the form of this statement: managing your stress simply comes down to the permissions you give.

Think about it for a moment. If stress is a function of what happens when we perceive our demands to exceed our resources, then we are allowing our perceptions to generate stress inside us.

Consider this: we teach people (and circumstances) how to treat us. It’s true. Just let that sit for a moment. You teach people how to treat you. Look at how we allow this to happen.

When we feel hurt or disappointed, we brush it off and remain silent. Even though we know what we want, we defer to the decisions of others. When we need help, we don’t ask because of fear of rejection, pride, or not wanting to look stupid or helpless. When people ask us to take on more than we can handle, we hesitate to say no.

Listen: you are surrounded by people, places and things, all bombarding you with requests, needs, ideas, and problems. They are competing for whatever energy you have available, and they won’t take no for an answer. At least they won’t - until you learn how to educate them on who you are, what they can, and can’t do. When you define your negotiables and non-negotiables, then your universe will begin to respect you and your needs.

Here are some tips on how to begin educating your environment:

1. Start with defining your non-negotiables. Be clear about what your values are and your morals. Be clear about drawing the lines you will never cross.

2. Decide what is acceptable to you in terms of your own behavior and the behavior of others. By doing this before you are faced with questionable choices, decision making in the moment will be much easier.

3. Use proper phrasing to express your non-negotiables to others. Own up to what you feel, need, think, and want.

4. Try to keep yourself “Inventory-Free”. This means that you aim to leave every encounter with nothing unsaid, nothing stepped over, nothing un-requested, and nothing not acknowledged or appreciated. Doing this ensures that relationships stay healthy, and opportunities are grasped in the moment.

By defining what is negotiable and non-negotiable for you, you will be able to stand your ground about what you will permit, and what is not acceptable in your life. When you set clear boundaries, people will stop taking advantage of you, and your stress will decrease!

By Julie Christiansen, Author, International Speaker, Coach

President, Leverage U

www.angersolution.com

1-866-754-6169

International speaker, coach, and author, Julie Christiansen is President of Leverage U: helping individuals and teams to create positive, radical, lasting change.

Zero to 60: Shifting Gears

Not that long ago I was spending most of my time in my office, hunched over my desk, writing furiously, dealing with paperwork, and wondering why the phone wasn't ringing. It always seems that way in the winter months, when speaking engagements are not so plentiful, the days are cold and short, and moods are low due to the lack of sunlight. I was like a ship with limp sails - no current, no wind; dead in the water. Suddenly though, as spring burst forth (thankfully early this year), my energy levels began to increase and I felt like going outside! With renewed zest and enthusiasm, I returned to more active marketing and "putting myself out there", and, "presto"! The tide began to turn.

Now as I am in the throes of my "busy season", I continually marvel at how easy it is to go from the speed of Zero to 60 in just a short matter of time. I'm learning that one can never get too comfortable behind the wheel of life, because when you least expect it, you may have to shift gears and adjust to keep up with traffic. Of course, there are times when we may have to stay in the passing lane and drive a little harder in order to get where we're going, but it's perfectly fine to slip over to the slow lane and let the other "drivers" pass you by. Every once in a while, it is also beneficial to take the scenic route so that you can enjoy the journey and make the trip from A to B less stressful.

I have learned that while life in the fast lane can be wildly exciting, we can't always stay there. Nor can we stay parked at the rest stop indefinitely - should we do that, we would never reach our destination. Just as it is required for real world driving, BALANCE is key as we travel the road of life.

Recently at the NATCON 2010 Conference, a presenter told of how the natives of the Polynesian Islands mapped out the world around them, "The HoKule'a (ship) never moves. It simply waits; the axis mundi of the world, as the islands rise out of the sea to greet her." (from The Way Finder) Every so often, it is wise to shift gears; to become like the HoKule'a and wait patiently as the objects of our desired destination rise out of the sea to greet us.

Resolving Conflict, Anger, and Negativity in the Workplace

This article is a re-post - originally written by Virginia Matthews and published in PersonnelToday.com.


If you would like to learn how to nip work rage in the bud, then sign up for our upcoming session of "Resolving Conflict, Anger, and Negativity in the Workplace". This 1/2 day session will expose the truth about conflict and negativity, and provide practical strategies that you can immediately begin using upon your return to work. The next workshop takes place Friday, February 12, 2010 at The FRONT, 283 St. Paul Street, St. Catharines, from 8:30 to Noon. Register online today!

To register for the February 12th morning session, click here.

ENJOY THE ARTICLE!
The traditionally curmudgeonly British character shouldn’t lead us to overlook the risks anger at work can pose to staff health and wellbeing, writes Virginia Matthews.

Victor Meldrew-style grumpiness may be a familiar part of British life, but according to author and critic AA Gill, writing in The Angry Island, the English are also "naturally, congenitally, collectively and singularly livid much of the time... incensed, incandescent, splenetic, prickly, touchy, and fractious... they're living on top of a keg of fulminating fury."

And the anger isn't restricted to road, shopping or Naomi Campbell-style air-rage either.

Work rage
According to recent research from employment law firm Peninsula, eight in 10 of us suffer from 'work rage' triggered by anything from lazy colleagues to ill-defined job roles. As many as seven in 10 report that verbal abuse and shouting is common in their place of work.
Seeing a colleague hurl their BlackBerry at the wall or square-up to an unpopular boss may be diverting at the time, but according to Dirk Hansen, director of clinical and service quality at Employee Advisory Resource, a persistently angry colleague can be highly disruptive in a team.
"Anger makes people say hurtful things and it triggers insecurity and lack of trust. Staff may become tentative in their approach to a colleague with anger problems, obstructing the work process and flow, and in the case of explosive anger, may become fearful of violence."

He advocates a zero-tolerance approach when the red mist comes down. "Line management should directly confront any individual who exhibits anger in the workplace and HR should not hesitate to deal with it in a disciplinary context."

Mike Fisher, founder of the British Association of Anger Management, says most organisations are in denial over work-rage, making it "the hot potato that nobody wants to touch".
He argues that while stress, anxiety or low self-esteem are already familiar territory to managers, the gnawing rage suffered inwardly by some staff tends to be hidden under a veneer of self-deprecation and sarcasm.

"While HR has come to embrace the problem of work-induced stress, the anger that invariably follows it is still the elephant in the room," says Fisher, a self-confessed 'passive-aggressive'.
"Yet this is a problem that will only continue to rise along with the country's current economic problems," he adds.

Although most flare-ups at work are minor – an oath, a phone banged down or a slammed desk drawer – work rage can, on occasions, be dramatic. Paul Dubois, senior anger management instructor at Reed Learning, talks of the two senior surgeons referred to him after they set upon one another with scalpels and knives in an operating theatre: Ivan Robertson of occupational psychologists Robertson Cooper, remembers seeing a colleague coolly smash every single window pane in his office with a metal waste basket.

Calculated subversion
In Fisher's view, though, the problem of "calculated subversion" is far more of a danger to most employers. "Although it is still deemed acceptable in our society for senior directors to blow their tops and bawl out colleagues, overt aggression is very rare among the lower ranks."
For those workers who feel they don't have a voice at work, undermining the organisation at every possible opportunity can be a far more subtle and deadly way of fighting back, he says.
"Spending extra time at lunch and on breaks is a favourite, as is lying on expenses forms. Angry staff will also spread malicious rumours, phone in sick when it's most inconvenient, be less caring towards customers and be downright obstreperous towards new members of staff," Fisher says.
"You won't even realise what they've been doing until there's a wave of resignations or you lose your biggest customers or contracts."

When it comes to figuring out why we are so angry in the first place – and the rage appears to affect teachers and doctors as much as call centre or sales staff – the consensus of opinion is that lack of autonomy and control, as well as ill-defined work roles, are the number-one suspects, along with mounting workloads and smaller staff numbers.

In the Metropolitan Police, which recently launched 'Shrinking Clouds', a toolkit that aims to combat absenteeism, it is stress, not anger, that receives the most attention.
"I've never yet seen a doctor's note that says: 'Mr So-and-So is off work due to anger problems'," says chief medical officer Dr Eileen Cahill-Canning.
"I consider stress to be a far less pejorative word than anger and far easier for people to talk about, even though the two are inextricably linked."

She adds: "Our officers are highly trained not to react emotionally or angrily when faced with highly stressful situations. While it is possible that repressing anger in this way could lead to severe problems later on, we believe our concentration on stress, together with our falling absenteeism levels, speak for themselves."

The right target
For many organisations, anger management only hits the radar when there's been 'an incident' – a shouting match in the middle of the accounts department, or wilful damage to company property. Yet the individual chosen to receive lessons in managing their anger is not always the right one, says Dubois. "In many cases, employers are happy to blame individual members of staff for the outburst against a manager, without examining either whether their treatment at work has been fair or finding out whether there's another reason – perhaps a deeply personal one – for their display of anger."

"Although our courses tend to be filled with staff, not their managers, in nine cases out of 10, I would argue that it is actually their bosses who need to manage their anger better too," he says. "Ultimately, we teach people how to say 'no' to their employer, but to do it in an assertive, rather than aggressive way that avoids both manipulating others and resorting to threats or violence."

Police stress
If you are a police officer walking the streets of somewhere like Peckham or Brixton, it is highly likely that you will need to take time out on a regular basis when the stress of the job gets too much, says chief medical officer Dr Eileen Cahill-Canning.

“We train our managers to pick up on any signs of their officers performing less well or being preoccupied – being different to their usual selves really – and whether they are referred to occupational health for assessment or choose to self-refer, all treatment is confidential and voluntary.

“If their stress levels – and this can of course include repressed anger – mean they are no longer fit for work, or are not coping, we encourage them to have a break from their front-line, operational duties. We call this being switched to a ‘recuperative role’, and it means they are treated, in effect, as back-office staff until they are fully recovered,” Cahill-Canning says.
“Life getting on top of you is a pretty common occurrence in the Met – whether caused by stress at work or problems in their private lives – and having invested so much time, energy and money in these men, we do all we can to help them recover from stress rather than see them walk out of the door.”

Virginia Matthews (About this Author)
www.PersonnelToday.com
Tuesday, 02 September 2008