Goodbye Fear: The Breakup Song

I cannot get enough of Francesca Battistelli's new song, "The Breakup Song". I love that part of the chorus that says, "I ain't got time for you telling me what I'm not, like you know me... well guess what? I know who I am. I know I'm strong, and I am free - got my own identity! So, fear, you will never be welcome here."

Lately, I've been pushing the limits of my comfort zone in a BIG way. And with those efforts to push my own boundaries comes a crate-load of fear and anxiety. That may be why those of you following my Instagram feeds have noticed my obsession with quotes about overcoming fear. It would seem that we need to be reminded, and often, that fear is a liar, and that we have the ability to push through our fears to the rewards at the other side.

I truly believe that everything you want is on the other side of fear. That means, to get to the beautiful outcomes we desire and yearn for, there is work involved. It is the work of pushing through our own limitations, tamping down fear, managing our anxiety, and taking the steps however many or few may be required to take us toward our goals.

In conversation with some friends the other day, we asked one of the ladies about her experience tandem parachuting out of a plane. She reported that the most difficult step was the one that took her out of the plane. She further noted that once she was flying, it did not feel at all like she was "falling". Rather, to her it felt like she was floating, or suspended in animation, and it was only when they got closer to the ground did it feel like falling. That said, the training kicked in, and she landed safely and walked away with an amazing experience that she would always remember.

Life is a lot like that, don't you think? It often feels like achieving our goals is mountains of work, and that it is just too much effort to follow through. But for my friend, all she needed to do was to commit to ONE step. The rest was achieved through momentum, gravity, faith in her tandem jumper, and remembering to follow through on the procedure for a safe landing. We don't realize that the first step towards our goals - saying YES, signing the contract, asking for the job, hitting the "send" button on that email, joining that mastermind group, or purchasing that service - is often the most difficult step of all. It is the step loaded with commitment and finality that is the most difficult to take. The one that takes you out of the safety of the plane and into the unknown - that one... THAT ONE is the one that requires you to push through your fear. The rest, as they say, will become history.

So sing along with me... "Fear, you don't own me..." Take that step and see what amazing outcomes you will achieve.

Here's Francesca's official song video for you to enjoy!

When Change Brings a Breakthrough

When Change Brings a Breakthrough
Over the last couple of weeks, I have been working hard to put in place all the aspects that are necessary to get my new company off to a good start. Things like branding, opening up a new bank account, and setting up new merchant services.

My day to meet with the bank was Friday - and as Friday approached I found myself getting more and more nervous, and having difficulty sleeping. The night before I was to go to the bank, I lay awake, twitching and uneasy, and then when I finally fell asleep, I awoke only a few hours later in a cold sweat. To what could I attribute all this anxiety?

I immediately began to rationalize. I hate going to the bank. It has always made me nervous. Even when there is no rational explanation for it. So I say... "Anything that has to do with money just stresses me out." Isn't that an empowering statement? It is not only incredibly DISempowering - it is also UNTRUE! I certainly don't feel stressed out when I receive cheques in the mail, or when I am depositing them into the bank...

As I consciously began to peel back all the untruths associated with this statement, I made a couple of key decisions. The first decision was to SUCK IT UP and to go to the bank. A corporation needs a bank account. No ifs ands or buts about it - and stalling isn't going to help me move in the direction I want to go. The second decision was to figure this out once and for all. I had to get myself unstuck.

About 18 hours after making the conscious decision to get myself unstuck from these limiting unconscious beliefs about banking, I was taken back in my memory to another time in my life. It was a time when my husband and I were struggling financially. Every envelope that came in the mail was a bill. There were no cheques being delivered to our mailbox back then. We were terrified of the bank. When we went to the bank to talk about our financial struggles, while the advisor was nice, she did NOT NICE things - like chopped up our credit cards (with obvious pleasure).

We dreaded the notices from the bank that said our payments were overdue and that we were running out of time. Then eventually we got the most horrid notice of all - the bank had begun the process for foreclosure on our mortgage. Even now, when I talk about this, I feel that old knot tying up in my gut. Yup - that is definitely the source of my anxiety around banking. Long story short, we lost that home - the bank took it back and sold it. We paid back the CMHC what we owed them. We survived and within 6 short years we had financially recovered and were completely debt free - and ready to purchase a new home.

What's my point? Even though we recovered without declaring bankruptcy, I had this deep bitterness towards the bank for allowing us to make such a foolish move - purchasing that home with that ridiculous mortgage. I felt it was their fault - they were greedy - they didn't care about our welfare. What a load of BUNK!

The truth is this - that we went into that thing with eyes wide shut - high on the elixir of a big house that said, "we've arrived!" with no thought for the future - economic downturns or lost jobs. The honest truth is that we created our own outcomes and we were 100 % responsible for the loss of our home.

So that brings me here.10 years later I am having trouble sleeping because of an upcoming bank appointment - and it is all based on past events. I realized that I was allowing my past-based fears to interfere with my decisions and actions in my TODAY world. I realized too that THE PAST DOES NOT EQUAL THE FUTURE. We are not the same people we were then. We are older, and wiser. We make careful financial decisions and we ask questions first - shoot later. An appointment with the bank to start a new chapter in my life should not be cause for anxiety, but for excitement!

How did I get to the point where I could reframe this experience? Three things:

1. Noticing that something was wrong in the way I was responding to the upcoming appointment
2. Making a conscious decision to tackle that discomfort head on, rather than trying to ignore it
3. Making another conscious decision to leave the past in the past, and to live in the NOW.

Can you do the same thing? Could you leave the past behind and let go of the past-based fears that haunt you every day without your expressed permission? Sure you can! Trust me - if I can do it - anyone can do it. Remember this: THE PAST DOES NOT EQUAL THE FUTURE. Forget your past - remember only what it taught you. You can move forward with optimism and with confidence - just live your life consciously. Notice what is working, and what is not. Make adjustments in the areas that aren't working, and you will soon find yourself navigating the road to increased success.

Would you like some help with leaving the past behind? Visit http://www.angersolution.com/products.php and get your copy of the audio CD with workbook, "Getting Past Your Past."

Keep Un-necessary Stressors Away

Crying baby? Can’t help that. Boorish boss? Maybe you can’t help that either. But that third cup of coffee? You can steer clear of that one. There are some things in life that are uncontrollable, and then there are others that we can do something about. Ironically, part of the challenge about stressors that we can’t control, is that sometimes we can’t control when they come in and out of our lives. That said, there are certain kinds of stresses that we can keep out of our lives. Here are just a few things that we openly welcome, sometimes unaware that they are stress-inducers rather than stress-reducers:

Ø Watching or reading the morning or 10 p.m. news – starting or ending the day with bad news can heighten our stress. I remember giving a seminar in Rochester, NY, and most of the people showed up late for the session. Turned out there was a fatality on the highway – a pedestrian was killed while “attempting to cross” the interstate. Now, having worked in the field of mental health for several years before going into corporate speaking, I made the mistake of relating to a few of the early folk that the last time I heard of something like that happening, it wasn’t an accident, but a wilful act on the part of the “pedestrian”. Didn’t that put a damper on the morning! News – especially bad news travels fast. I didn’t realize how that one off-hand comment could set the tone for the day – with everyone suddenly feeling down and low-energy, because of the thought that they may have witnessed a suicide on the highway that morning. I learned my lesson though! Now, I start the day with positive input, and do the same for my seminar participants, because I know that bad news can overshadow your mood for the day.
Ø Making frequent and lengthy stops at the water cooler or coffee machine. Too often an innocent trip to the break room becomes an opportunity for people to carp about the challenges, stressors, and difficult people at your workplace. The more you find yourself getting caught up in those kinds of conversations. And… the more you talk about what is wrong at work, the more stress you will feel. (What you focus on is what you will achieve. Remember this when you get to the chapter on Focus.) Pretty soon, the job you loved to get up for every morning suddenly fills you with dread when the alarm goes off each morning, and before you know it, you are wondering why you ever decided to work here. What changed? The job didn’t – but your RESPONSE to it did. So guard your thoughts and focus on the reasons why you love this job, rather than the reasons everyone else hates it. Watch your attitude, and keep it positive!
Ø Engaging in low energy activity during your high energy times. Make sure you match your activities that require high energy with your peak energy times in order to maximize the use of both your time and energy. More on this when we talk about managing one’s time.
Ø Silently tolerating the boorish behaviour of your belligerent, bullying boss. Trust me – I have been there, and for years I thought that the best way to get through my bosses’ temper tantrums was to sit quietly and wait for the storm to pass over. However, after 60 lbs of weight gain over 2.5 years, two surgeries and 6 weeks of sick leave from one particularly stressful job, I began to re-think my position on how to deal with workplace bullies. Now I take the position that one must be clear about what is acceptable and not acceptable in terms of behaviour and the way one is treated.

I remember when I was on the road teaching the “Exceptional Assistant” program for Pryor Resources, I met some people who were so oppressed by their bosses that they had to ration the amount of water they drank because they were only allowed to use the bathroom at certain times of the day! I met women who put up with so much inappropriate behaviour on a consistent basis, that they had reverted to the same kind of belligerence that they hated, much to their dismay. They had somehow bought into the myth that they had to accept poor treatment at work, because after all, they should be happy they even had a job, right? Remember the list of self-evaluating questions you went through in the chapter, Face Your Fears? Do it again for this situation. You may be surprised at the answers you generate.

It is often hard to stand up to someone who has authority over you, even when you know for certain that they are wrong, but the truth is this. The stress you may feel in the moment of standing up to tyrannical behaviour may be intense in the moment, but the worst thing that can happen is that the behaviour will continue. The best thing that could happen is that your boss might actually realize the impact s/he is having on your ability to perform effectively, and STOP! Remember, no one can hurt your feelings without your permission.

Guess What? There is more to this chapter! Please visit http://www.angersolution.com to download your PRE-ORDER Form so you can be one of the first to get a copy of my new book, Stress Less in 27 Days when it rolls off the presses.

Face Your Fears

*Please note the title of this chapter has been changed in order to comply with copyright and trademark law - the previous title for this chapter is a registered trademark of Dr. Susan Jeffers, author of Feel the Fear and Do It Anyway, originally published in 1987.

Okay Okay, I know what you're thinking... how many more times is Julie going to change the title of her book? Let me just say, the process of finding a good title is a bit of a journey - that' s why we authors call them "working titles" until we get it right. So the title of my new book has been refined yet again, and I have added an additional day - making it, Stress Less in 27 Days. Here is yet another chapter from the new book, still slated for end of April release. Please visit my website, http://www.angersolution.com/ to pre-order your copy.

Before I present this new chapter, first I have to say, I have been referring to Jack Canfield quite a bit lately, and I chose this chapter to share for a good reason. I had the wonderful honour and privilege of meeting Jack on Tuesday the 15th of April, at the Phenomenal View event: (http://www.phenomenalview.com/). To say the day was amazing would be an understatement! Jack is every bit the man of grace, humility, class, and humour that you see in his videos and experience in his books. And though I have listened to him and read him, and even taught his work for years, I made some new distinctions about asking for what you want, and about eliminating fear that I believe will be truly life altering. Jack graciously accepted my gift to him of a signed copy of my book, Anger Solutions, and signed all three copies of his books for me in return. Great day. Thanks to Gerry and Jean Visca of Red Chair Branding, (http://www.redchairbranding.com/) for making it possible.

So... here is another chapter of my new book, Stress Less in 27 Days, for you to enjoy: Face Your Fears.
In their excellent book, The Aladdin Factor, Mark Victor Hansen and Jack Canfield define fear this way: “False Expectations Appearing Real” – in other words, it is the culmination of those things you anticipate could happen, but never do - that constitute fear. Just as faith is described as a belief or a certainty that something positive or good will happen, fear is the belief that the worst will happen.

Would you rather live your life in anticipation, or in trepidation? Fear has got to be one of the worst feelings in the world to experience. While fear has its place, it does not always serve us well. I recall my first trip to Algonquin Park in Ontario with my husband and daughter. She was only about two or three years old, and I did not have much experience with wild animals. We stopped at the boardwalk and decided to traverse the nature trail. It was October (Thanksgiving weekend), the leaves had turned, and the air was quite cold. I remember just getting off the boardwalk, and onto the nature trail, when suddenly the smell of something warm, fresh, and gamy wafted into the air. I stopped short in my tracks and the hair on the back of my neck began to stand on end.

I said to my husband, “Do you smell that? It smells like bear.” He agreed – maybe bear, maybe moose, but definitely fresh. I said, “Let’s get out of here.” He said – no, let’s keep going! Keep going! There was no way I was going to keep going. I had visions of my baby getting snatched up by some angry mother bear, being eaten for a snack, while Steve and I got mauled and held over for the main course. No amount of reassurance from Steve could convince me that we would be safe in those woods on that day. Needless to say, my fear prevailed, and we high tailed it back to the safety of our vehicle.

Now, I would like to think that my fear served us well that day. But fear doesn’t always do us great justice. In fact, more often than not, fear just gets in the way of us reaching and maximizing our full potential. Think of those who lose out on promotions because of their fear of public speaking. What about others who are afraid of rejection, and end up losing out on the love of their life? Others still are afraid of commitment, so never know the joy and intimacy of a committed relationship, or the pride of seeing a project through to completion. Fear of failure prevents people from starting. Fear of success keeps them from finishing. Fear of embarrassment makes people unwilling to risk. Fear of exposure or rejection makes them mask their true identities.

Fear creates a similar biochemistry in the brain and the body as does stress. Heart rate increases, blood pressure rises. The body produces cortisol, cholesterol, and glucose in the blood. Remember, this is all part of the flight or fight syndrome, and there is nothing that we can do to prevent that – unless we learn how to manage our fears.

I love speaking to an audience – doesn’t really matter how big or how small, I just love being able to share my passion with people. But when it comes to “networking” – making small talk or trying to explain my business to strangers on a one-to-one basis; that for me used to spell FEAR. I can’t tell you exactly what I was afraid of, but I have always had a limiting belief about my ability to interact in those types of social settings.

Truth be told, I believe it stems from my teenage years when I was very insecure and uncomfortable in my own skin. My father was the president of the Jamaican Community Association in Ottawa, and we had to attend a lot of social events throughout the year. I always hated them, because I felt like the ugly duck in my family – never well put together, and I could never figure out how to make small talk. My other big challenge was figuring out how to look sophisticated while holding the little napkin with finger foods in one hand, a glass in the other, while having a conversation with a perfect stranger. When exactly were you supposed to eat those things anyway? What about if stuff got stuck in my teeth? Would anyone let me know?

Needless to say, the fear of being in those types of social situations has haunted me throughout the years. About three years ago, I decided it was time to get over it. I realize that networking is an essential ingredient in marketing one’s business, and I decided it was time to barrel through my fears and just do it. Mind you, I didn’t just get dressed one night and go out networking… I had to do some internal work on my attitudes and my beliefs first.

It’s time for confession. Before my first networking event, I put on a motivational audiotape that encouraged me to overcome my limiting beliefs. Then, I watched a video that showed me how to take an experience that I had always rated as a negative 10, and create an alternative reality that would make that experience feel like a plus 10. I listed all the things that I would have to do to make my experience positive, and then added all the positive benefits and potential outcomes that could result from me getting out there. Armed with all that positive reinforcement, I got dressed, grabbed my business cards, and went out to network.

Did I meet anyone new that night? Nope. I only spoke to people I knew already. Did I make any great business deals on my first night out? No again. Did I overcome my fear of talking to strangers while I balanced finger foods in one hand and a glass in the other?

Eventually.

In fact, now when I go to networking events, I seek out the people who are obviously feeling out of place like I used to. I approach them first, and strike up a conversation. I introduce them to other people that I know. Before you know it, we are all laughing and having a great time, and “networking” doesn’t seem so bad after all. And, I have made some great business alliances along the way.

What are you afraid of? Does that fear serve you, or does it control you? If you do not learn to master fear, then fear will become your master. Wouldn’t you rather be in control? Barreling through your fear will be uncomfortable. But once you make it to the other side, the rewards are indescribable. You will be freer, less stressed, and more willing to try new things. By learning to conquer your fears, you will accept and adapt to change more easily. Most importantly, by facing your fears, you will bring yourself closer to your goals, and to living the life you truly deserve.