Keep Un-necessary Stressors Away

Crying baby? Can’t help that. Boorish boss? Maybe you can’t help that either. But that third cup of coffee? You can steer clear of that one. There are some things in life that are uncontrollable, and then there are others that we can do something about. Ironically, part of the challenge about stressors that we can’t control, is that sometimes we can’t control when they come in and out of our lives. That said, there are certain kinds of stresses that we can keep out of our lives. Here are just a few things that we openly welcome, sometimes unaware that they are stress-inducers rather than stress-reducers:

Ø Watching or reading the morning or 10 p.m. news – starting or ending the day with bad news can heighten our stress. I remember giving a seminar in Rochester, NY, and most of the people showed up late for the session. Turned out there was a fatality on the highway – a pedestrian was killed while “attempting to cross” the interstate. Now, having worked in the field of mental health for several years before going into corporate speaking, I made the mistake of relating to a few of the early folk that the last time I heard of something like that happening, it wasn’t an accident, but a wilful act on the part of the “pedestrian”. Didn’t that put a damper on the morning! News – especially bad news travels fast. I didn’t realize how that one off-hand comment could set the tone for the day – with everyone suddenly feeling down and low-energy, because of the thought that they may have witnessed a suicide on the highway that morning. I learned my lesson though! Now, I start the day with positive input, and do the same for my seminar participants, because I know that bad news can overshadow your mood for the day.
Ø Making frequent and lengthy stops at the water cooler or coffee machine. Too often an innocent trip to the break room becomes an opportunity for people to carp about the challenges, stressors, and difficult people at your workplace. The more you find yourself getting caught up in those kinds of conversations. And… the more you talk about what is wrong at work, the more stress you will feel. (What you focus on is what you will achieve. Remember this when you get to the chapter on Focus.) Pretty soon, the job you loved to get up for every morning suddenly fills you with dread when the alarm goes off each morning, and before you know it, you are wondering why you ever decided to work here. What changed? The job didn’t – but your RESPONSE to it did. So guard your thoughts and focus on the reasons why you love this job, rather than the reasons everyone else hates it. Watch your attitude, and keep it positive!
Ø Engaging in low energy activity during your high energy times. Make sure you match your activities that require high energy with your peak energy times in order to maximize the use of both your time and energy. More on this when we talk about managing one’s time.
Ø Silently tolerating the boorish behaviour of your belligerent, bullying boss. Trust me – I have been there, and for years I thought that the best way to get through my bosses’ temper tantrums was to sit quietly and wait for the storm to pass over. However, after 60 lbs of weight gain over 2.5 years, two surgeries and 6 weeks of sick leave from one particularly stressful job, I began to re-think my position on how to deal with workplace bullies. Now I take the position that one must be clear about what is acceptable and not acceptable in terms of behaviour and the way one is treated.

I remember when I was on the road teaching the “Exceptional Assistant” program for Pryor Resources, I met some people who were so oppressed by their bosses that they had to ration the amount of water they drank because they were only allowed to use the bathroom at certain times of the day! I met women who put up with so much inappropriate behaviour on a consistent basis, that they had reverted to the same kind of belligerence that they hated, much to their dismay. They had somehow bought into the myth that they had to accept poor treatment at work, because after all, they should be happy they even had a job, right? Remember the list of self-evaluating questions you went through in the chapter, Face Your Fears? Do it again for this situation. You may be surprised at the answers you generate.

It is often hard to stand up to someone who has authority over you, even when you know for certain that they are wrong, but the truth is this. The stress you may feel in the moment of standing up to tyrannical behaviour may be intense in the moment, but the worst thing that can happen is that the behaviour will continue. The best thing that could happen is that your boss might actually realize the impact s/he is having on your ability to perform effectively, and STOP! Remember, no one can hurt your feelings without your permission.

Guess What? There is more to this chapter! Please visit http://www.angersolution.com to download your PRE-ORDER Form so you can be one of the first to get a copy of my new book, Stress Less in 27 Days when it rolls off the presses.

Work the New Playground for School Bullies

This Just In - October 27th, 2007

Workplace is a second life for school bullies
Sat Oct 27, 1:01 PM
By The Canadian Press

For many, the modern workplace is another chance to relive the taunting and cruelty of middle school.

The bullies may wear business casual now, but in a random phone survey of office workers, 29 per cent of respondents said they still deal with rude or unprofessional co-worker behaviour.
Different troublemakers require individualized coping mechanisms, but directness, confidence and flexibility are essential in any confrontation, said Diane Domeyer, executive director of staffing company OfficeTeam, which conducted the survey.

"Recognize that it's not going to change overnight," she said. "Learn to adapt."
Meanwhile, avoid chatting with the office gossip lest his reputation damage your standing with colleagues. Defuse a belittler's invective by confidently asserting your position. Don't be afraid to tell her or a supervisor your feelings.

"Stand up and be brave," said Domeyer. "If you find over and over again that it's starting to affect your morale and productivity, that will affect your career."

OfficeTeam and research company International Communications Research interviewed 532 randomly selected full-or part-time adult office-dwellers in an unscientific August phone survey.

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Interesting survey - although unscientific - can be supported by other studies, including one by the ILO that rates Canada as the 4th most dangerous country in which to work due to high incidences of workplace violence. That said, I find the strategies for coping - "stand up and be brave" - may get you somewhere, but not very far in the grand scheme of things. You know from my previous posts that I have had my share of bullies for bosses, and so I decided to go on the record again, with some workable, practical strategies that anyone can use to survive and even thrive in the bully's environment. To take a listen, go to: http://juliechristiansen.mypodcast.com. The recording is about 5 1/2 minutes long. At the end of the recording, take advantage of the offer to download a free copy of my 4 page report on how to cope with bullies in the workplace.

Why Do Bullies Get Ahead?

I just read an intersting article in the Epoch Times (www.theepochtimes.ca) that stated that in a recent survey it was found that over 90% of workplace bullies were promoted or in some other way rewarded despite their inappropriate behaviour in the workplace. Indeed, throughout my 15 year career in human services, I found that workplace bullies often got their way and were promoted to leadership/management positions. Toxic bosses often run rampant through their workplaces like bulls in a china shop - with no regard for the health and welfare of their staff or the clientele they serve. I have been yelled at in front of my team mates, berated in front of clients, called names, and have even been accused of being the sole cause for the organization's complete failure. Just recently a friend told me that her boss sat the team down and told them that if they ever reported her to HR for any reason, she would have something bad done to them - then she singled out one particularly attractive female on the team and told her that if she ever reported the boss to HR, she would have her raped! Let's see how many laws were broken in this last example:

• harassment (against labour law)
• uttering a threat (see criminal code, folks!)

Never mind the fact that she is openly intimidating the members of her team, and closing off their only option for recourse (reporting her to HR), which by the way, is typical of bullies.

How is it that these kinds of people are allowed to remain in leadership positions? The answer (unfortunately) is quite simple. We let them! Eleanor Roosevelt said, "No one can hurt your feelings unless you give them permission." Although I used this quote for many years in my seminars, I never really learned the power of the statement until I found myself at the mercy of a REALLY toxic bully supervisor. She had me fearing for my job and unable to get up in the morning because of the negative anticipation of what the day might hold. She was mean, shrill, and downright evil. Then one day I woke up and did what I tell my clients to do. I evaluated the situation and asked myself the question: "What's the worst thing that can happen if she fires me?" - The answer wasn't so bad... first, I wouldn't have to go to work to put up with her anymore. That was a huge bonus. Second, I have lots of skills - I could find another job, or just work in my business more and build that up. Either way, I would win by not working there anymore.

Once I faced my demons, I decided that I wasn't going to give her permission to poop on me anymore. Sure enough, that day, she called me into her office for another slap down session, and I looked her in the eye, and asked her if she planned to fire me, because if so, I wanted to get my resume ready. The response was amazing. Her jaw dropped, and for the first time, she was speechless. She stumbled over her words until she finally said, "Well, there's nothing in it for me if I fire you." Then I was able to lay out my expectations - I told her that the constant monitoring was counterproductive, and that I needed to get to work if she expected me to "improve". In other words, I called the slap down sessions to a halt. From that point onward, she treated me differently - because I took away the permission to treat me badly!

Since that time, I have advanced, and regressed in my ability to stand up for myself; just as we all do. Depending on the situation and the stake we have invested in any particular thing (job, relationship, purchase - whatever), it seems to be human nature to back away from conflict for fear of losing... However, we lose much more when we sacrifice our self esteem and our emotional and mental stability to the whims of a workplace bully.

So here are some ways to counter bullying at work.

1. The next time your boss, supervisor or co-worker yells at you, act surprised and genuinely disappointed in their immature behaviour, shake your head, and say NOTHING. It takes two to escalate an argument, and if you don't engage, they will just be on a wild rampage to nowhere.
2. If your typical response has been to say nothing - that in itself could be interpreted as permission. So in this case, speak up. Don't yell or raise your voice to the other party's level, just be firm. You can state your limits, "Don't talk to me like that..." or set boundaries, "Let's talk about this later - you clearly are not in a position where we can discuss this rationally right now." Chances are you will not have the opportunity to get that whole sentence out, but you have stated your expectations, and if the behaviour continues, you can feel free in walking away.
3. Despite the threats of retaliation - REPORT to HR! If you have no HR department, then call the labour board, or better yet, call the police. If someone threatens to have you raped, you should acknowledge that threat, your response might be something like, "That sounds like a threat, and if you're serious, I'll have to notify the police." The bully will likely retract the threat, but that doesn't mean you shouldn't call the cops. If something ever happens to you, better to have the report on file than not.

Whining and asking, "why do you always treat me this way?" only feeds the bully's fire. This is what the bully wants - to see that his/her intimidation tactics are working. When you call the bully on his/her behaviour, s/he has to answer for it. Most workplaces have anti-harassment or anti-bullying policies. Under definition of Canadian law, most of the behaviours I have described in this blog constitute workplace violence, and cannot be allowed to go unchecked. I for one am tired of coming up against people who think the only way they can get what they want out of their staff is to berate, belittle, and bully them. You don't need a union or even the support of your team behind you to have a backbone. All you have to do is say, "I won't allow you to treat me this way." Think about it... What's the worst that could happen?

Something to think about!