Goodbye Fear: The Breakup Song

I cannot get enough of Francesca Battistelli's new song, "The Breakup Song". I love that part of the chorus that says, "I ain't got time for you telling me what I'm not, like you know me... well guess what? I know who I am. I know I'm strong, and I am free - got my own identity! So, fear, you will never be welcome here."

Lately, I've been pushing the limits of my comfort zone in a BIG way. And with those efforts to push my own boundaries comes a crate-load of fear and anxiety. That may be why those of you following my Instagram feeds have noticed my obsession with quotes about overcoming fear. It would seem that we need to be reminded, and often, that fear is a liar, and that we have the ability to push through our fears to the rewards at the other side.

I truly believe that everything you want is on the other side of fear. That means, to get to the beautiful outcomes we desire and yearn for, there is work involved. It is the work of pushing through our own limitations, tamping down fear, managing our anxiety, and taking the steps however many or few may be required to take us toward our goals.

In conversation with some friends the other day, we asked one of the ladies about her experience tandem parachuting out of a plane. She reported that the most difficult step was the one that took her out of the plane. She further noted that once she was flying, it did not feel at all like she was "falling". Rather, to her it felt like she was floating, or suspended in animation, and it was only when they got closer to the ground did it feel like falling. That said, the training kicked in, and she landed safely and walked away with an amazing experience that she would always remember.

Life is a lot like that, don't you think? It often feels like achieving our goals is mountains of work, and that it is just too much effort to follow through. But for my friend, all she needed to do was to commit to ONE step. The rest was achieved through momentum, gravity, faith in her tandem jumper, and remembering to follow through on the procedure for a safe landing. We don't realize that the first step towards our goals - saying YES, signing the contract, asking for the job, hitting the "send" button on that email, joining that mastermind group, or purchasing that service - is often the most difficult step of all. It is the step loaded with commitment and finality that is the most difficult to take. The one that takes you out of the safety of the plane and into the unknown - that one... THAT ONE is the one that requires you to push through your fear. The rest, as they say, will become history.

So sing along with me... "Fear, you don't own me..." Take that step and see what amazing outcomes you will achieve.

Here's Francesca's official song video for you to enjoy!

Stress Management: Attitude is Where It Begins

Attitude is

Where It All Begins

When you think about stress management, what do you think of? Do you picture hammocks, white sandy beaches, and azure blue oceans? Do you think of soothing music, candles, and a hot bath in a claw-foot tub overflowing with bubbles? Or perhaps you are picturing yourself laying on a plush leather couch while you free-associate about your childhood.  While the above strategies may prove useful to reducing your stress, I would like to begin with the simplest of concepts; one that is essential to managing one’s stress. 

Many have heard me say, “Belief is the basis of action. Your behaviour will always be in accordance with your beliefs.”  This is as true for stress as it is for any other aspect of our lives.  Richard Lazarus, one of the first to coin the word “stress”, described it as a feeling or state that occurs when the perceived demands on one’s life (whether emotional, social, financial, intellectual, etc.) exceed the resources one has available.  In other words, if you don’t think (or believe) that you can handle the demands currently placed upon you, you will experience stress. 

While stress may express itself through physiological cues, it is a total experience, encompassing mind, body, and spirit.  Thus, stress must be combated on all of those levels.  The first of these battlegrounds is that of the mind, as that is where stress begins. It begins with your perceptions, and the choices you make in dealing with them.  If you choose to believe that your situation is hopeless, your mind will stop seeking for answers and go into survival mode. Your body will assume the physiological state of fight or flight, causing a rise in heart rate and blood pressure, an excessive production of blood sugar and cholesterol, and an increase in the production of cortisol, norepinephrine, and serotonin. 

All of these physical responses can wreak havoc on the body if left unchecked.  Too often though, we tend to try to resolve what is happening in the body without first addressing what is taking place on the battlefield of the mind.   You must first adjust your attitude if you wish to successfully keep your stress levels in check.

Am I saying that one should not be justified in feeling alarmed when a crisis comes up?  Absolutely not.  It is a natural response to feel a little overwhelmed from time to time when crises arise in our lives.  However, how you respond to the crisis in your mind will, in the end, determine your overall ability to cope with it. 

A negative attitude will invariably gnaw away at your capability to fight, to seek answers or solutions, and to prevail against the presenting challenge.  By remaining solution focused, you can train your brain to look for the positive aspects of the current challenge.  You will be able to look back on previous crises in your life, and draw on the strength of knowing that you were able to survive it, and perhaps even take from some of the skills you used in the last situation to help you through this one.

It has been said that the mind is a terrible thing to waste.  Indeed, the mind is a powerful tool, when used correctly.  By asking yourself key questions, you can train your mind to work for you rather than against you in the battle for optimum stress.  Here are some questions you can use to help you train your brain to develop positive attitudes:

1.                   What’s good about this?

2.                  What can I learn from this?

3.                  How can this situation help me become stronger?

4.                  Who has been through something similar that I can call on for help or advice?

5.                  What skills or resources do I have that I can use to help me in this situation?

6.                  How can I become a better person as a result of this crisis?

Begin carefully asking yourself these questions so that you can prepare your brain with a positive attitude to help you deal effectively with each stress-inducing situation as it arises. Remember that the only time you will not experience stress is when you are dead. We will always experience some stress because it shows that we are growing, learning, developing, and evolving; the question is whether or not it will be mobilizing or optimum stress, or whether it will be the consuming kind. Maintaining a positive attitude, one that seeks to find the good in each situation, and looks for ways to learn from each challenge, will propel you towards a state of optimum stress. Whenever stressful challenges arise, remember, attitude is where it all begins.          

Do you like what you see here? For more on practical stress management strategies, get the book: When the Last Straw Falls: 30 Ways to Keep Stress from Breaking Your Back

Getting Past Your Past - A Review

Enjoy this brief look at my latest seminar as guest speaker for Barbara Grumme's Love Your Life seminar. You can learn more about Barbara Grumme by visiting her site, http://www.barbaragrumme.com/.


For more on Getting Past Your Past...

Anger and Stress Strategy: Put the Past Behind You

(excerpted from When the Last Straw Falls: 30 Ways to Keep Stress from Breaking Your Back – by Julie Christiansen, now available at www.angersolution.com)

February 19th, 2008 marked the 1st anniversary of my mother’s passing. She died in her sleep, suddenly and unexpectedly in my home, and it was, as you might imagine, a very shocking, sad, and traumatic experience for our family.

Looking back at that time last year, I wonder how I managed to get through the shock of finding her, calling 911, notifying my father and my siblings, dealing with the coroner, the funeral home, taking care of my kids, and all the rest. It seems that my crisis training served me well, and I was able to go handle the extreme stress of that situation despite my grief.

Almost one year later, as I continued to deal with the ongoing fallout of losing my mom, I realized that other issues that had remained latent while she was alive were beginning to surface. And with those issues, came feelings of intense anxiety and panic that I had not experienced for decades.

As I battled with this rise in anxiety, I often found myself feeling as if I had lost my bearings and was flailing around frantically for something to hold on to. And I found that stability in the most unexpected places. Good friends. Faith. And in my office.

Let me explain that last one... several years ago I recorded the audio program, “Getting Past Your Past”. It occurred to me as I was rifling through my files, looking for something that would help me through this crisis, that perhaps if I expect people to listen to my advice that I should listen to it as well. So I grabbed the CDs and plugged them into my car, feeling a little sheepish and wondering if listening to my own recording made me a narcissist...

To my surprise, the woman on the CD sounded bright, confident, and sure of herself (not the same person who was listening at that moment)! She had some rather profound things to say, which were coincidentally strangely relevant to my current situation. I thought... “why not pay attention to her? She sounds like she might have something there...” I took it one step further on the advice of a good friend, and printed myself a workbook – and went through the exercises detailed in the “LET GO” section of the program.

As bizarre as that sounds, it was what I needed at the time. I was reminded that I need to forget my past, remembering only what it taught me. That I have much to be grateful for and that the events of my past have contributed to the person that I am today. That I am still that strong, confident, bright woman I heard on the CD, and that vulnerability is not the same as weakness.

Through the process I was reminded that strength is fluid, and often dependent on your circumstances and the resources you have available at the time that those difficult circumstances arise. I was reminded too of the resources that have helped me through other past trials, and that all I need to do is to rely on them rather than ignoring them – and my strength can be restored.

The whole concept of getting past one’s past is one that is so worthwhile in the quest for less stress. If you have read my book, Anger Solutions! Proven Strategies for Effectively Resolving Anger, you will recall the story of Everett Worthington, whose mother was murdered in her home by a group of teens who broke in while she slept. Dr. Worthington is now recognized as one of the pioneers in forgiveness research.

Another leader in the area of forgiveness research is Dr. Frederic Luskin, author of the book, Forgive for Good. One of the things I noted from Dr. Frederic Luskin’s work is that when you recall the events of the past that caused you hurt and pain, and you have not yet learned to forgive and let go, you will experience the hurt just as if it were happening for the first time. That is to say that the anxiety, stress, sadness, anger – and all the other negative emotions that may be associated with that event, create just as powerful a physiological response in the body as when it happened the first time. So each time you recall a hurtful event, you are inducing the stress/anger response at full strength in your body.

Both the research of Dr. Luskin and Dr. Worthington has scientifically proven that through forgiveness, you can boost your immune systems, have healthier platonic and intimate relationships, significantly reduce your stress, and effectively prolong your life expectancy. There are two mental/emotional tasks that I believe we must undertake if we are to begin the process of getting past the past.

Acknowledgement and Acceptance
Now, no one said that putting the past behind you would be an easy thing to accomplish; but it is not impossible. One of the most difficult things I have found to do is to acknowledge and accept what happened. It is human nature, I think, to want to dwell on events of the past; to ask why; to try to figure out the motivation of the person who hurt you; and to understand the feelings of pain, anxiety, anger, guilt, shame, etc. that accompany acknowledgement of the hurt. Certainly, acknowledging that you were hurt, wronged, betrayed is the first step in getting over what happened in your past. But acknowledgement alone will not help you move forward.

In my own process, I came to the realization that the more I tried to figure out why I had been hurt or wronged, the more anxious and hurt I felt. That is because I was spending too much time trying to answer questions that I cannot answer. It was not until I came to the point where I could say like an old client of mine, “It is what it is…” that I began to emerge from the fog of disillusionment and all-consuming pain.

By accepting that my past is what it is, and realizing that I cannot go back and change it, I can begin to focus on how I want to live my life in light of what happened before. Will I choose to forgive those who hurt me? Will I live the life of a victim, or will I seek to learn from the experience, and find ways to grow and increase my personal strength? Do I want to spend all my time looking backward and feeling helpless, or do I want to move forward with an attitude of optimism and expectancy for better things to come?

Let me ask you the same questions. Now that you have acknowledged your past, are you ready to accept it for what it is? Then, are you willing to do what it takes to move forward through forgiveness? Everett Worthington would never have become a pioneer in the field of forgiveness had he not chosen to forge ahead despite his pain. Because of his willingness to forgive and to learn from his traumatic past, humanity has a greater understanding of the value of forgiveness both for our emotional, mental, and physical health.

Who knows what great legacy you and I may create for future generations once we learn to leave the past where it belongs – in the past.

Want to know more about Getting Past the Past? Niagara Residents call 1-866-754-6169 to reserve your tickets to the Love Your Life Seminar Series at White Oaks Conference Resort and Spa, January 26, 2011 to hear Julie Christiansen speak on this topic. More information at http://www.barbaragrumme.com/. Watch this clip:
http://www.ctstv.com/reallife/wellness.php?vidID=20613 to hear more from Julie.

Anger Lady on CTS Television: Overcoming Obstacles

CTS Television: Online Video Player

Watch this most recent appearance of Julie Christiansen (a.k.a. The Anger Lady) on CTS TV's "On the Line" - this nationally broadcast call-in show always gets lots of calls and promises engaging conversation every time. Enjoy!