Building Resiliency - a Stress Management Strategy

“The ultimate measure of a man is not where he stands in moments of comfort and convenience, but where he stands at times of challenge and controversy.”
Martin Luther King, Jr.


Building Resiliency

Have you ever been lost? I mean really lost – out in the middle of nowhere with no cell phone, no map, no GPS, and no service station or farm-house where you can stop and ask directions? Have you ever felt that sense of sheer panic and helplessness?

Imagine… the wave of nausea that hits you like a wall of bricks when you realize you have no idea where you are. You have no one with you, you can see no recognizable landmarks, and the more you try to find your way, the more you realize that you keep ending up in a place that looks exactly like where you were 2 hours ago. Can you feel it? The anxiety? The heart inside of you beating its way out of your chest – the sweat as it beads on your forehead – the tightening of your stomach as you sit at the crossroads, searching furtively from unmarked country road to unmarked country road, trying to figure out which way to turn?

That is what it is like to have no resiliency.

Resiliency. The ability to bounce back. The Psychology Foundation of Canada identifies four key components that together create resiliency:
1. Feeling like you belong – having a support system,
2. Being able to deal effectively with one’s emotions,
3. Having good problem-solving skills and feeling like you have control in your life, and
4. Having a positive, optimistic attitude.

Imagine again, that you are back in the above situation – desperately lost, in the middle of nowhere, wondering where to turn. Now imagine that someone you love, trust, and depend on is in the vehicle with you. S/he is bending over a map of the county, trying to figure out where you are. How does it feel now? Do you feel safer? Would you be able to manage your anxiety better? Now imagine that your friend or family member has a smart phone with a built in GPS. Even if there is no signal in this no-man’s land where you are now, you know that if you can get someplace where there is a signal, you can get your bearings. Does this help you to feel more reassured? Now, what if in your glove box, there was a compass, so that you could figure out what direction you were headed? Between the map and the compass, and the support of your friend, do you think you might have a better chance of finding your way? I dare say you might!

When you’re on your own, it’s like being without a compass, rudder, or sails out on the open sea. Cloud cover inhibits your ability to even navigate by the stars, and even if you could use the stars to find your way, you have no rudder whereby to steer your vessel. In order to build resiliency, you must have a support system – people you can trust to help you put things in perspective, to help you flex your optimism muscles and cope with the influx of emotions you might experience when under duress.

When the last straw is about to fall, resiliency – your ability to bounce back – will be the difference maker for your outcomes.

READ When the Last Straw Falls: 30 Ways to Keep Stress from Breaking Your Back by getting your own copy at http://www.angersolution.com/laststraw.php. Available EXCLUSIVELY from Leverage U.

Well - You Can't Control That!

Well - you can’t control THAT!

It seems that whenever I am scheduled to facilitate a Stress Busters program or focusing on the Stress Management aspect of my work, that things crop up to test my own ability in the area of stress and anger resolution. The last time I ran a Stress Busters course, I had a lot of speaking engagements booked back-to-back. With my schedule in mind, I planned my print/ship schedule for recent book orders in advance. However, due to circumstances beyond my control, I missed my ship time, and had to send materials out the next day. The items were picked up early in the a.m., so I expected all to go well. No worries - move on to something else... except - the next day, tracking showed that my boxes were stranded on a truck and would not make the delivery deadline. Instant stress.

Remember - stress is defined as a feeling that occurs when the current demands exceed the perceived resources available. So I started looking for resources in the hopes that my stress would be resolved along with the problem. I called my printer and arranged for them to do an emergency re-print of the materials. Then I hunted down another courier who claimed they could get my delivery in on time if I got it out before 5 p.m. OK - things were looking up. I got my reprints, ran across town to the courier and shipped it off. Then, I scooted back home again to deal with everything else that had been placed on the back burner while I managed this crisis.

I went off and facilitated my Stress Busters session and reminded myself that we can only deal with what we can control. Everything else is… well... a waste of time if we worry about it.
As it happens, when I checked the tracking number of my new shipment it turned out that an attempt had been made to deliver, but there was apparently no one there to sign for it - so they kept it, and would try again Monday. The problem is - they needed it NOW - Monday would be too late. That was the last straw.

So what are you gonna do? Absolutely nothing. I can't control the courier or what s/he does with my package. I can't control the recipient. I can't control what is happening on the other end where the package should be - but isn't. All I can control is this overwhelming urge to curl up in fetal position and cry.

Seriously - if this isn't a teachable moment, what is? If I can borrow from Oprah's favourite line, "What I know for sure" is that stuff happens. There is some stuff you can avoid or prevent, but sometimes despite your best efforts, things will just go horribly, horribly wrong. You can't explain it, and you can't control it. All you can do is control your own responses so that you can get to the best possible outcome.

Through this I have learned that trying to be accommodating on one end can cause huge inconveniences on another - and there must always be a balance between the two. I have learned that we must always factor in at least 20% more time than is ever needed to do ANYTHING - including delivering packages. I have learned that overnight delivery, can often mean 2-3 business days - thank you very much. And I have learned that I can never know enough about how to cope through crisis - because just when you think you've seen it all, God drops a new one in your lap.

Listen up… The last straw is falling. It may not have landed yet. In fact, you may not be feeling that stressed or overwhelmed at all right now. But life is just like that: just as we get used to living with a level of stress that is manageable, all of a sudden things can heat up without warning. The straw is falling. Somewhere, sometime, perhaps when you least expect it, it will land on you. Are you ready for it?

My new book, When the Last Straw Falls: 30 Ways to Keep Stress from Breaking Your Back, was written to equip you with everything you need to prevent the proverbial “last straw” from breaking you. It is available now from my website, www.angersolution.com/laststraw.php. Here are a few parting tips. When Stress Threatens to Overwhelm You:
• Breathe deeply – regulate your physical response
• Talk stressors through with others
• Check your attitudes & beliefs
• Laugh! It is the best medicine
• Change your perspectives
• Don’t allow the past to muddy the present

Lastly, when you are faced with circumstances that are completely beyond your power to change, shrug your shoulders, throw your hands up and say, “Well – You can’t control that!”
Written for The Anger Solutions Blog, http://angersolution.blogspot.com/

By Julie Christiansen, Author, International Speaker, Coach
President, Leverage U
www.angersolution.com
1-866-754-6169

Anger Solutions for the Holidays

Oh the weather outside is frightful but the fire is so delightful... Yes, that sounds very romantic and idealistic in the lyrics of a song, but the truth is that often, while the weather outside might indeed be frightful, the climate indoors when families come together is not much better.

I don't know why exactly, but I have heard it over and over again that the holidays seem to bring out the worst in some families. Here are jus some of the things my clients and customers have relayed to me about holiday gatherings - and I'm not making this stuff up:

• I hold my anger in all year until right about Christmas time - and then when the whole family gets together, usually someone says something that is like, "the last straw", and I just explode! I lambaste the whole family and then I'm good for another year.
• Every time our family gets together, it always becomes a contest about who was treated the worst, who had the most unhappy childhood, and who was daddy's favourite.
• I hate family get togethers - my brother always says something unsavoury or rude, and it just ruins the whole thing!
• I would rather spend Christmas on the other side of the world, alone - than spend it with my family. They make me feel so unloved and unwanted.

That's pretty depressing, isn't it! Yet, a vast majority of people reading this can relate, and may even be nodding their heads in agreement with some of the above statements! So - how do we get through the holidays unscathed? Here are some tips for surviving holiday stress and beating holiday anger - the Anger Solutions way.

1. Remember the reason for the season. The holidays are not about presents. They are not about airing family grievances. They are not even about the turkey and the trimmings. The holidays are about honouring your faith, and spending quality time with the ones that you love as you celebrate. Keep your focus on the reason why your family is coming together, rather than all the horrid memories of Christmases past.
2. Consider your desired outcomes. We teach this until we're blue in the face with Anger Solutions: your events PLUS your responses equal your outcomes. The challenge is that too often, we don't pre-consider what outcomes we would like to achieve. Ask yourself: "How would I like this Christmas or holiday gathering to turn out?" "What's the best way to ensure that my outcomes are realized?" Decide in advance, what measures you can take to do an end-run around those who would attempt to derail your plans. My number one priority outcome is always to create great memories. If that is your priority outcome, how can you make that happen? That brings us to our next strategy:
3. Solicit partners in positive outcomes. Do you like the ring of that? Partners in positive outcomes. Talk to your family members BEFORE your big event. Be honest about your misgivings and state your expectations. Go beyond asking questions about who is bringing the sweet potatoes or the dessert. It might sound something like this: "So Christmas dinner is at our house this year, and I know we all want to have a really great time. What I'm hoping for is that we can all put aside any of the family stuff that we deal with all the rest of the year, and just really enjoy each other's company."
4. If there is a particular family member who tends to be the instigator, prepare a plan for how you will deal with this individual's behaviour. You may want to be proactive, and address them prior to the get-together in the hopes that they will agree to be on their best behaviour. Another approach is to call them on their behaviour as soon as they begin with their typical antics. Do this by calling them aside privately - no need to embarrass them or the rest of the family. Very gently and compassionately identify the behaviour that is problematic and request that they discontinue the behaviour for the rest of the evening. E.g. "Mom, I know that you want to be involved in the preparation of the food, and I'm grateful that you're here to help, but when you openly criticize my cooking in front of the family, I feel minimized and belittled. I'm guessing that others here might feel uncomfortable when that happens as well. I'm sure you don't mean to do that, but that is how I feel all the same. So I'm asking you if you would be kind enough to keep your criticisms to yourself for the rest of the night - I would really appreciate that." Other approaches may be to ban the "meddling" instigators from the kitchen under the premise that they deserve to relax and mingle while the last minute preparations are taken care of. This always works better when two or more people deliver the same message.
5. Be prepared for awkward moments. If you follow this blog, then you know you have seen the TSA model before, but it will really help you if you find yourself experiencing a frustration signal during your family get togethers. Here it is again in a nutshell: THINK - What is happening? What does it mean? How do I feel about it? How would I like this to be resolved? What should I do next? SAY - "I feel... I need... I would like... " Here's a little tip - rather than saying, "Please don't" - identify the exact behaviour that you would like to see instead. It keeps the conversation positive, and also clarifies your expectations for the other person. ASK - "Can you see where I'm coming from?" "How can we work together to help everyone have a really great time tonight?" Get the other individual involved in the problem solving process and you will get through even the awkward moments - AND you'll do it together.
6. Develop a structure for the evening. It doesn't have to be a fully programmed dinner party; however, it may be more enjoyable and less stressful if you have a basic idea of how the evening will flow. Here's an example:

- start with appetizers of course - people can mingle, listen to music, get caught up with each other while the last minute meal prep is being taken care of. Ensure that the beverages and finger foods are NOT in the kitchen area, so you can minimize traffic through your workspace. You may want to have some space set aside for the kids/youth in the family so that they can hang out, play games, watch TV or socialize while they wait for the food to be served as well. Once dinner is over, the designated cleanup crew clears the tables and gets them prepped for dessert. You may want to bring out some games (quiet ones at this point) - card games, chinese checkers, battleship, etc. for people to play. There are of course lots of new fun games on the market that engage conversation, and can be played by a large number of people. These are ideal to hel people stay focused on having fun, rather than wanting to bring up old family grievances. If there is a time for gift giving, designate a time for this as well.

I trust you will find this advice helpful as you prepare to go full steam ahead into the holidays. Above all else, remember the reason for the season - that is my first and last piece of advice to you. Have a Merry Christmas, a Happy Holiday, and above all, be blessed!