Building Resiliency - a Stress Management Strategy

“The ultimate measure of a man is not where he stands in moments of comfort and convenience, but where he stands at times of challenge and controversy.”
Martin Luther King, Jr.


Building Resiliency

Have you ever been lost? I mean really lost – out in the middle of nowhere with no cell phone, no map, no GPS, and no service station or farm-house where you can stop and ask directions? Have you ever felt that sense of sheer panic and helplessness?

Imagine… the wave of nausea that hits you like a wall of bricks when you realize you have no idea where you are. You have no one with you, you can see no recognizable landmarks, and the more you try to find your way, the more you realize that you keep ending up in a place that looks exactly like where you were 2 hours ago. Can you feel it? The anxiety? The heart inside of you beating its way out of your chest – the sweat as it beads on your forehead – the tightening of your stomach as you sit at the crossroads, searching furtively from unmarked country road to unmarked country road, trying to figure out which way to turn?

That is what it is like to have no resiliency.

Resiliency. The ability to bounce back. The Psychology Foundation of Canada identifies four key components that together create resiliency:
1. Feeling like you belong – having a support system,
2. Being able to deal effectively with one’s emotions,
3. Having good problem-solving skills and feeling like you have control in your life, and
4. Having a positive, optimistic attitude.

Imagine again, that you are back in the above situation – desperately lost, in the middle of nowhere, wondering where to turn. Now imagine that someone you love, trust, and depend on is in the vehicle with you. S/he is bending over a map of the county, trying to figure out where you are. How does it feel now? Do you feel safer? Would you be able to manage your anxiety better? Now imagine that your friend or family member has a smart phone with a built in GPS. Even if there is no signal in this no-man’s land where you are now, you know that if you can get someplace where there is a signal, you can get your bearings. Does this help you to feel more reassured? Now, what if in your glove box, there was a compass, so that you could figure out what direction you were headed? Between the map and the compass, and the support of your friend, do you think you might have a better chance of finding your way? I dare say you might!

When you’re on your own, it’s like being without a compass, rudder, or sails out on the open sea. Cloud cover inhibits your ability to even navigate by the stars, and even if you could use the stars to find your way, you have no rudder whereby to steer your vessel. In order to build resiliency, you must have a support system – people you can trust to help you put things in perspective, to help you flex your optimism muscles and cope with the influx of emotions you might experience when under duress.

When the last straw is about to fall, resiliency – your ability to bounce back – will be the difference maker for your outcomes.

READ When the Last Straw Falls: 30 Ways to Keep Stress from Breaking Your Back by getting your own copy at http://www.angersolution.com/laststraw.php. Available EXCLUSIVELY from Leverage U.

Give Yourself Permission to Stress Less

At the many events at which I am invited to speak, I am often asked for “one simple tidbit” to help people manage their stress more effectively. In my book, Stress Less in 27 Days, I provide a toolkit equipping you with 26 simple and practical strategies to help you to cope with, decrease, or transform your consuming stress. However, if I were to produce just one tip for you, it would come in the form of this statement: managing your stress simply comes down to the permissions you give.

Think about it for a moment. If stress is a function of what happens when we perceive our demands to exceed our resources, then we are allowing our perceptions to generate stress inside us.

Consider this: we teach people (and circumstances) how to treat us. It’s true. Just let that sit for a moment. You teach people how to treat you. Look at how we allow this to happen.

When we feel hurt or disappointed, we brush it off and remain silent. Even though we know what we want, we defer to the decisions of others. When we need help, we don’t ask because of fear of rejection, pride, or not wanting to look stupid or helpless. When people ask us to take on more than we can handle, we hesitate to say no.

Listen: you are surrounded by people, places and things, all bombarding you with requests, needs, ideas, and problems. They are competing for whatever energy you have available, and they won’t take no for an answer. At least they won’t - until you learn how to educate them on who you are, what they can, and can’t do. When you define your negotiables and non-negotiables, then your universe will begin to respect you and your needs.

Here are some tips on how to begin educating your environment:

1. Start with defining your non-negotiables. Be clear about what your values are and your morals. Be clear about drawing the lines you will never cross.

2. Decide what is acceptable to you in terms of your own behavior and the behavior of others. By doing this before you are faced with questionable choices, decision making in the moment will be much easier.

3. Use proper phrasing to express your non-negotiables to others. Own up to what you feel, need, think, and want.

4. Try to keep yourself “Inventory-Free”. This means that you aim to leave every encounter with nothing unsaid, nothing stepped over, nothing un-requested, and nothing not acknowledged or appreciated. Doing this ensures that relationships stay healthy, and opportunities are grasped in the moment.

By defining what is negotiable and non-negotiable for you, you will be able to stand your ground about what you will permit, and what is not acceptable in your life. When you set clear boundaries, people will stop taking advantage of you, and your stress will decrease!

By Julie Christiansen, Author, International Speaker, Coach

President, Leverage U

www.angersolution.com

1-866-754-6169

International speaker, coach, and author, Julie Christiansen is President of Leverage U: helping individuals and teams to create positive, radical, lasting change.

Why Businesses Need Coaches

Thanks to Neil Thornton for his tremendous insights on the challenges faced by businesses today, and how coaching can make a difference. Listen right here!

Anger Solutions for the Holidays

Oh the weather outside is frightful but the fire is so delightful... Yes, that sounds very romantic and idealistic in the lyrics of a song, but the truth is that often, while the weather outside might indeed be frightful, the climate indoors when families come together is not much better.

I don't know why exactly, but I have heard it over and over again that the holidays seem to bring out the worst in some families. Here are jus some of the things my clients and customers have relayed to me about holiday gatherings - and I'm not making this stuff up:

• I hold my anger in all year until right about Christmas time - and then when the whole family gets together, usually someone says something that is like, "the last straw", and I just explode! I lambaste the whole family and then I'm good for another year.
• Every time our family gets together, it always becomes a contest about who was treated the worst, who had the most unhappy childhood, and who was daddy's favourite.
• I hate family get togethers - my brother always says something unsavoury or rude, and it just ruins the whole thing!
• I would rather spend Christmas on the other side of the world, alone - than spend it with my family. They make me feel so unloved and unwanted.

That's pretty depressing, isn't it! Yet, a vast majority of people reading this can relate, and may even be nodding their heads in agreement with some of the above statements! So - how do we get through the holidays unscathed? Here are some tips for surviving holiday stress and beating holiday anger - the Anger Solutions way.

1. Remember the reason for the season. The holidays are not about presents. They are not about airing family grievances. They are not even about the turkey and the trimmings. The holidays are about honouring your faith, and spending quality time with the ones that you love as you celebrate. Keep your focus on the reason why your family is coming together, rather than all the horrid memories of Christmases past.
2. Consider your desired outcomes. We teach this until we're blue in the face with Anger Solutions: your events PLUS your responses equal your outcomes. The challenge is that too often, we don't pre-consider what outcomes we would like to achieve. Ask yourself: "How would I like this Christmas or holiday gathering to turn out?" "What's the best way to ensure that my outcomes are realized?" Decide in advance, what measures you can take to do an end-run around those who would attempt to derail your plans. My number one priority outcome is always to create great memories. If that is your priority outcome, how can you make that happen? That brings us to our next strategy:
3. Solicit partners in positive outcomes. Do you like the ring of that? Partners in positive outcomes. Talk to your family members BEFORE your big event. Be honest about your misgivings and state your expectations. Go beyond asking questions about who is bringing the sweet potatoes or the dessert. It might sound something like this: "So Christmas dinner is at our house this year, and I know we all want to have a really great time. What I'm hoping for is that we can all put aside any of the family stuff that we deal with all the rest of the year, and just really enjoy each other's company."
4. If there is a particular family member who tends to be the instigator, prepare a plan for how you will deal with this individual's behaviour. You may want to be proactive, and address them prior to the get-together in the hopes that they will agree to be on their best behaviour. Another approach is to call them on their behaviour as soon as they begin with their typical antics. Do this by calling them aside privately - no need to embarrass them or the rest of the family. Very gently and compassionately identify the behaviour that is problematic and request that they discontinue the behaviour for the rest of the evening. E.g. "Mom, I know that you want to be involved in the preparation of the food, and I'm grateful that you're here to help, but when you openly criticize my cooking in front of the family, I feel minimized and belittled. I'm guessing that others here might feel uncomfortable when that happens as well. I'm sure you don't mean to do that, but that is how I feel all the same. So I'm asking you if you would be kind enough to keep your criticisms to yourself for the rest of the night - I would really appreciate that." Other approaches may be to ban the "meddling" instigators from the kitchen under the premise that they deserve to relax and mingle while the last minute preparations are taken care of. This always works better when two or more people deliver the same message.
5. Be prepared for awkward moments. If you follow this blog, then you know you have seen the TSA model before, but it will really help you if you find yourself experiencing a frustration signal during your family get togethers. Here it is again in a nutshell: THINK - What is happening? What does it mean? How do I feel about it? How would I like this to be resolved? What should I do next? SAY - "I feel... I need... I would like... " Here's a little tip - rather than saying, "Please don't" - identify the exact behaviour that you would like to see instead. It keeps the conversation positive, and also clarifies your expectations for the other person. ASK - "Can you see where I'm coming from?" "How can we work together to help everyone have a really great time tonight?" Get the other individual involved in the problem solving process and you will get through even the awkward moments - AND you'll do it together.
6. Develop a structure for the evening. It doesn't have to be a fully programmed dinner party; however, it may be more enjoyable and less stressful if you have a basic idea of how the evening will flow. Here's an example:

- start with appetizers of course - people can mingle, listen to music, get caught up with each other while the last minute meal prep is being taken care of. Ensure that the beverages and finger foods are NOT in the kitchen area, so you can minimize traffic through your workspace. You may want to have some space set aside for the kids/youth in the family so that they can hang out, play games, watch TV or socialize while they wait for the food to be served as well. Once dinner is over, the designated cleanup crew clears the tables and gets them prepped for dessert. You may want to bring out some games (quiet ones at this point) - card games, chinese checkers, battleship, etc. for people to play. There are of course lots of new fun games on the market that engage conversation, and can be played by a large number of people. These are ideal to hel people stay focused on having fun, rather than wanting to bring up old family grievances. If there is a time for gift giving, designate a time for this as well.

I trust you will find this advice helpful as you prepare to go full steam ahead into the holidays. Above all else, remember the reason for the season - that is my first and last piece of advice to you. Have a Merry Christmas, a Happy Holiday, and above all, be blessed!