Anger Solutions: Belief is the Basis of Action

Some years ago, I was talking with a client about his particular limiting beliefs. I

remember sharing with him the notion that belief is the basis of action, and watching as revelation dawned in his facial expression.  He wrote it down in his notebook in large, bold letters, and repeated the phrase a few times to himself, “Belief is the basis of action.”  To paraphrase his response, he said to me, “Already, my outlook on life is changing, just by hearing that one statement.  I’ve been paralyzed, and afraid to act; but, if I truly believe that I have something to offer the world, if I truly believe that I am talented, if I truly believe that I am capable, taking steps toward my goals is so much easier! This has been the missing link for me.  I wonder why I didn’t see it before. ”

I suggested that he go home and list everything that he absolutely believes to be true. Then, I proposed that he extrapolate from those belief statements and examine the consequences of each belief.  Take a look at how this works:

I believe that I have incredible talent that should be shared with the world.

·         If I believe this to be true, then I will not be afraid to share my talent (to publish my writing, to sing in front of an audience, to display my art…)

I believe that bad things only happen to bad people.

·         If I believe this is true, then when bad things happen to me, it means that I am bad.

You see, we all have certain beliefs about anger, and those beliefs dictate our actions.  Why else would someone who commits an act of road rage store a baseball bat or a gun in their vehicle, unless they believed that at some point in time they may have to use it?  Would you punch someone in the face unless you absolutely believed that it was the right thing to do at the time?

People use violence because they believe it will get them the results they desire.  Someone who is “invisible” in society immediately becomes visible when they hold a gun to the head of another human being.  Organizations with an unknown, unheard of, un-championed cause immediately become newsworthy when they bomb a building, or demand ransom for hostages.  They do these things because they believe their actions will get them what they want.  In the same way, we respond to anger in our own lives with particular actions or words because we believe that those responses are the best way, or the only way, or the most effective way to deal with our anger.

My question to you is this: Are You Sure?  Are you so sure that the only way to get respect is to berate and belittle your subordinates?  Are you so sure that the only way to get your kids to behave is to beat them? Are you so sure that the only way to get what you want is to make others feel guilty for not knowing and giving it to you before you ask?  Are you so sure that squashing your emotions inside of you won’t make you sick?

I wrote Anger Solutions because I have worked with countless people who have struggled with these very questions.  Their core beliefs were breaking them, and inherently they knew it but didn’t know what to do to change.  In every case that I can remember, the underlying issue was the same. The foundational beliefs on which my clients based their behaviour were skewed, faulty, based on something other than reality.  The things we are taught can affect beliefs, just as much as the things we are not taught.  Foundational beliefs can be influenced by our life experiences and the value we place on them.  The things we see on TV and hear on the radio can affect beliefs.  Traumatic events and their outcomes can also influence beliefs.  Conversely, as we grow and mature, those same foundational beliefs affect the way we receive or reject teaching.  They determine how we respond to our life experiences, and whether or not we accept or reject the ideas foisted on us by the media.  My point is that just because we have always believed that certain behaviour is right doesn’t make it so.

There is nothing wrong with challenging or checking your beliefs every so often; that is, as long as you are doing so in a systematic and open way.  Often people will challenge their foundational beliefs by espousing the exact opposite of the principles they have always lived by. Doing so doesn't necessarily make them better... just different. In order to make challenging our beliefs a useful exercise, we must ensure that we embrace beliefs that are based in fact, as well as that are empowering to us AND to others. Here are some examples of what happens when we allow our beliefs to swing from one end of the pendulum to the other:

¨      A woman who has remained passive in an abusive relationship one day comes to the realization that she enables her abuser by being passive.  She swings to the other side of the pendulum and kills her abusive spouse in his sleep.

¨      A mother that traditionally vents her anger by crying in the bathroom decides that this technique is no longer useful for her. She begins yelling at her children.

¨      Children that have striven for perfection in order to be accepted, decide to rebel. They slack off in school, listen to dark, depressing music and begin using drugs.

¨      A quiet, non-confrontational, community-minded storeowner shoots the robber of his store with a shotgun after being robbed five times.

You see, just because you realize that the thing you have always believed is wrong doesn’t make your next choice of belief or action right.  Often what is required is not a dramatic 180-degree turn, but rather a slight shift of attitudes, beliefs, and actions.

Anger Solutions provides you with the tools you need to make those subtle shifts, and to challenge your beliefs openly and systematically.  The tools contained in this little toolkit will enable you to picture anger for what it really is. They will help you to examine your belief systems and to understand both the positive and negative ramifications of holding on to those beliefs.  You will gain an increased awareness of your own responses to anger, and insight into the responses of those around you.  Anger Solutions will show you how to free yourself from the bondage that anger puts you in, and how to make anger work for you instead.

 

ORDER your copy of Anger Solutions today from our web store: http://store.angersolution.com

 

Anger Solutions: Pleasure vs. Pain

People are always asking, "What makes Anger Solutions so much more effective than traditional anger management?" This is no simple question - as there are many facets of Anger Solutions that come together to make it an exceptional program. Today I want to share with you one of our great leveraging tools that help to contribute to our continued success.  This leveraging tool is called, "The Pain/Pleasure Principle". It simply states that: Human beings will do more to avoid pain than they will to obtain pleasure.

 Think about that for a minute: Human beings will do more to avoid pain than they will to obtain pleasure. Ain't that the truth! Women will endure a great deal of abuse before they opt to leave a relationship. Employees will often put up with harrassment, put-downs, poor leadership, and all sorts of workplace challenges before they decide to leave a job. People will put up with all sorts of misbehaviour from loud, rowdy neighbours before they decide to call the police, start community action, or move to a quieter street. We have known this for years... that we must be highly frustrated or dissatisfied with a situation before we will attempt to make a change. Why is this? Perhaps because there is safety in what we know. You've heard that old statement: "Better the devil you know than the devil you don't..." There is also a certain fear that is associated with changing - perhaps we will make the mistake of going from the frying pan into the fire.

This is also true when it comes to making behavioural change. It is so easy to do what we've always done - especially when there is some benefit in our current choice of action. Even if your present anger style is causing you pain, if you get the least amount of payoff from it, you will likely continue to use your old style because it is less painful than the perceived pain of trying to create change. We do this all the time - choose what we perceive to be the "lesser pain" rather than opting for what will bring us the "greater pleasure" in the long run.

Here's an example: Jon Smith is angry at his wife. He doesn't know how to talk to her without hurting her feelings, so he hides his anger by going out to the bars after work. This is causing him pain as well - because he is in effect alienating his wife and creating more distance between them. However, the perceived pain of confrontation is too much for him to handle so he avoids it by choosing the "lesser pain" of retreating to the bars. Jon's problem is that he has not considered the "greater pleasure" of what might happen if he sits down with his wife and has that difficult conversation. He is too afraid of the immediate discomfort and cannot see past that to how his relationship with his wife might be better if they just talk it out.

Anger Solutions challenges this way of thinking and encourages people to address the pain/pleasure principle on a conscious level. This proves to be an incredible leveraging tool - try it for yourself!

How would you apply the principle of pleasure and pain to the following situations?
1. Quitting smoking
2. Foolish binge spending
3. Losing you temper at work

Here's a Hint: List the perceived benefits of each behaviour (or the "lesser pain") and remember what William Glasser says: "People do what makes sense to them..." If there is even a little benefit in the behaviour although it is painful, people will continue to do it.

 List the downside - what is truly painful about this behaviour (the "greater pain")?

Identify why it doesn't make sense.

The key here is to emphasize the painful aspects or consequences of the behaviour... Ask yourself: If by changing your behaviour, you could achieve the same or better feeling of pleasure without experiencing so much pain, would you change? If you would like to learn more about Anger Solutions, please visit our website, www.angersolution.com.

What is the Anger Solutions Program?

About the Anger Solutions™ Program

The Anger Solutions™ Program was developed out of an expressed need for a comprehensive anger management program that would serve the needs of individuals dealing with a mental illness. Due to contributing factors such as the side effects of medications, varying degrees of cognitive functionality, and in some cases, a decline in mental/emotional stability for the client group, the program needed to be:

1.    simple and easy to understand

2.    presented in a way that would enable the clients to assimilate their new skills

3.    hands-on vs. theoretical in its approach

4.    flexible enough to meet the diverse needs of the client group

5.    deliverable in a 1-hour format over 10 to 12 weeks

From this initial need, the following philosophy and program format was developed over four years of research and practical application:

1. To keep the program simple, it uses as little technical jargon as possible – keeping it at about the Grade 6/7 level of literacy/understanding (the same as daily newspapers)
2. The program follows the Psycho-Social Rehabilitation Model of Lifeskills acquisition and application in order to ensure the repetition and steady building of new skills
3. The Anger Solutions™ Program uses the WIT Model (Whatever It Takes) to reach its participants – successfully and effectively combining a variety of therapeutic approaches including Cognitive Behavioural Therapy, Rational Emotive Therapy, Reality Therapy (Choice Theory), Art and Music Therapy, and Solution Focused Brief Therapy principles.  This not only provides us with various hands-on tools we can apply within the program, but also creates a level of flexibility to work within the individual needs of the client group.
4. The program was designed to be deliverable in one – 1.5 hour modules over a 10-week period. It can be condensed to an 8 week program or extended to 12 weeks.
5. Note that over the initial 4 years of study and use, the program’s content evolved in order to meet the needs of a more diverse group (including children, people with Acquired Brain Injury, addictions, corrections, and developmental delay); however, the philosophy and structure has remained the same.
6. The program’s wholistic approach addresses pre-cursors to anger development including:

-                      poor self-esteem

-                      poor communication skills

-                      assertiveness training

-                      ingrained anger  styles, faulty beliefs, and misperceptions about anger

The Anger Solutions™ Program has various objectives:

1.            To educate and empower each participant to make right choices about their anger

2.            To encourage the taking of responsibility for one’s feelings and actions (vs. laying blame on outside influences)

3.            To effect a significant reduction in harmful, inappropriate behaviour on the part of the participant OR to completely eliminate target behaviours identified by the participant

4.            Participants will experience an increase in their ability to identify the precursors to their own anger, and will be able to make conscious choices both before anger escalates, and in situations of escalated anger

Additional effects or outcomes that can be expected as a result of successful completion of the program include but are not limited to:

1.    Significant increase in self-esteem

2.    Decrease or discontinuation of use of drugs or alcohol as self-medication

3.    Self-reported improvement in overall quality of life of participants

4.    Improvements in quality of mental health

5.    Significant decrease in physical ailments and physiological effects of stress

Measurement Tools used at Intake and Exit:

       Rosenberg Self Esteem Scale

       Clinical Anger Scale

       Anger Solutions™ Participant Surveys (Intake and Exit)

Training is provided on how to use these tools during the Train the Trainer program, and through our tele-seminar series.

Interested in receiving certification as an Anger Solutions Facilitator? Contact us! www.angersolution.com.