Anger Solutions: Belief is the Basis of Action

Some years ago, I was talking with a client about his particular limiting beliefs. I

remember sharing with him the notion that belief is the basis of action, and watching as revelation dawned in his facial expression.  He wrote it down in his notebook in large, bold letters, and repeated the phrase a few times to himself, “Belief is the basis of action.”  To paraphrase his response, he said to me, “Already, my outlook on life is changing, just by hearing that one statement.  I’ve been paralyzed, and afraid to act; but, if I truly believe that I have something to offer the world, if I truly believe that I am talented, if I truly believe that I am capable, taking steps toward my goals is so much easier! This has been the missing link for me.  I wonder why I didn’t see it before. ”

I suggested that he go home and list everything that he absolutely believes to be true. Then, I proposed that he extrapolate from those belief statements and examine the consequences of each belief.  Take a look at how this works:

I believe that I have incredible talent that should be shared with the world.

·         If I believe this to be true, then I will not be afraid to share my talent (to publish my writing, to sing in front of an audience, to display my art…)

I believe that bad things only happen to bad people.

·         If I believe this is true, then when bad things happen to me, it means that I am bad.

You see, we all have certain beliefs about anger, and those beliefs dictate our actions.  Why else would someone who commits an act of road rage store a baseball bat or a gun in their vehicle, unless they believed that at some point in time they may have to use it?  Would you punch someone in the face unless you absolutely believed that it was the right thing to do at the time?

People use violence because they believe it will get them the results they desire.  Someone who is “invisible” in society immediately becomes visible when they hold a gun to the head of another human being.  Organizations with an unknown, unheard of, un-championed cause immediately become newsworthy when they bomb a building, or demand ransom for hostages.  They do these things because they believe their actions will get them what they want.  In the same way, we respond to anger in our own lives with particular actions or words because we believe that those responses are the best way, or the only way, or the most effective way to deal with our anger.

My question to you is this: Are You Sure?  Are you so sure that the only way to get respect is to berate and belittle your subordinates?  Are you so sure that the only way to get your kids to behave is to beat them? Are you so sure that the only way to get what you want is to make others feel guilty for not knowing and giving it to you before you ask?  Are you so sure that squashing your emotions inside of you won’t make you sick?

I wrote Anger Solutions because I have worked with countless people who have struggled with these very questions.  Their core beliefs were breaking them, and inherently they knew it but didn’t know what to do to change.  In every case that I can remember, the underlying issue was the same. The foundational beliefs on which my clients based their behaviour were skewed, faulty, based on something other than reality.  The things we are taught can affect beliefs, just as much as the things we are not taught.  Foundational beliefs can be influenced by our life experiences and the value we place on them.  The things we see on TV and hear on the radio can affect beliefs.  Traumatic events and their outcomes can also influence beliefs.  Conversely, as we grow and mature, those same foundational beliefs affect the way we receive or reject teaching.  They determine how we respond to our life experiences, and whether or not we accept or reject the ideas foisted on us by the media.  My point is that just because we have always believed that certain behaviour is right doesn’t make it so.

There is nothing wrong with challenging or checking your beliefs every so often; that is, as long as you are doing so in a systematic and open way.  Often people will challenge their foundational beliefs by espousing the exact opposite of the principles they have always lived by. Doing so doesn't necessarily make them better... just different. In order to make challenging our beliefs a useful exercise, we must ensure that we embrace beliefs that are based in fact, as well as that are empowering to us AND to others. Here are some examples of what happens when we allow our beliefs to swing from one end of the pendulum to the other:

¨      A woman who has remained passive in an abusive relationship one day comes to the realization that she enables her abuser by being passive.  She swings to the other side of the pendulum and kills her abusive spouse in his sleep.

¨      A mother that traditionally vents her anger by crying in the bathroom decides that this technique is no longer useful for her. She begins yelling at her children.

¨      Children that have striven for perfection in order to be accepted, decide to rebel. They slack off in school, listen to dark, depressing music and begin using drugs.

¨      A quiet, non-confrontational, community-minded storeowner shoots the robber of his store with a shotgun after being robbed five times.

You see, just because you realize that the thing you have always believed is wrong doesn’t make your next choice of belief or action right.  Often what is required is not a dramatic 180-degree turn, but rather a slight shift of attitudes, beliefs, and actions.

Anger Solutions provides you with the tools you need to make those subtle shifts, and to challenge your beliefs openly and systematically.  The tools contained in this little toolkit will enable you to picture anger for what it really is. They will help you to examine your belief systems and to understand both the positive and negative ramifications of holding on to those beliefs.  You will gain an increased awareness of your own responses to anger, and insight into the responses of those around you.  Anger Solutions will show you how to free yourself from the bondage that anger puts you in, and how to make anger work for you instead.

 

ORDER your copy of Anger Solutions today from our web store: http://store.angersolution.com

 

Anger Solutions: Pleasure vs. Pain

People are always asking, "What makes Anger Solutions so much more effective than traditional anger management?" This is no simple question - as there are many facets of Anger Solutions that come together to make it an exceptional program. Today I want to share with you one of our great leveraging tools that help to contribute to our continued success.  This leveraging tool is called, "The Pain/Pleasure Principle". It simply states that: Human beings will do more to avoid pain than they will to obtain pleasure.

 Think about that for a minute: Human beings will do more to avoid pain than they will to obtain pleasure. Ain't that the truth! Women will endure a great deal of abuse before they opt to leave a relationship. Employees will often put up with harrassment, put-downs, poor leadership, and all sorts of workplace challenges before they decide to leave a job. People will put up with all sorts of misbehaviour from loud, rowdy neighbours before they decide to call the police, start community action, or move to a quieter street. We have known this for years... that we must be highly frustrated or dissatisfied with a situation before we will attempt to make a change. Why is this? Perhaps because there is safety in what we know. You've heard that old statement: "Better the devil you know than the devil you don't..." There is also a certain fear that is associated with changing - perhaps we will make the mistake of going from the frying pan into the fire.

This is also true when it comes to making behavioural change. It is so easy to do what we've always done - especially when there is some benefit in our current choice of action. Even if your present anger style is causing you pain, if you get the least amount of payoff from it, you will likely continue to use your old style because it is less painful than the perceived pain of trying to create change. We do this all the time - choose what we perceive to be the "lesser pain" rather than opting for what will bring us the "greater pleasure" in the long run.

Here's an example: Jon Smith is angry at his wife. He doesn't know how to talk to her without hurting her feelings, so he hides his anger by going out to the bars after work. This is causing him pain as well - because he is in effect alienating his wife and creating more distance between them. However, the perceived pain of confrontation is too much for him to handle so he avoids it by choosing the "lesser pain" of retreating to the bars. Jon's problem is that he has not considered the "greater pleasure" of what might happen if he sits down with his wife and has that difficult conversation. He is too afraid of the immediate discomfort and cannot see past that to how his relationship with his wife might be better if they just talk it out.

Anger Solutions challenges this way of thinking and encourages people to address the pain/pleasure principle on a conscious level. This proves to be an incredible leveraging tool - try it for yourself!

How would you apply the principle of pleasure and pain to the following situations?
1. Quitting smoking
2. Foolish binge spending
3. Losing you temper at work

Here's a Hint: List the perceived benefits of each behaviour (or the "lesser pain") and remember what William Glasser says: "People do what makes sense to them..." If there is even a little benefit in the behaviour although it is painful, people will continue to do it.

 List the downside - what is truly painful about this behaviour (the "greater pain")?

Identify why it doesn't make sense.

The key here is to emphasize the painful aspects or consequences of the behaviour... Ask yourself: If by changing your behaviour, you could achieve the same or better feeling of pleasure without experiencing so much pain, would you change? If you would like to learn more about Anger Solutions, please visit our website, www.angersolution.com.

What is the Anger Solutions Program?

About the Anger Solutions™ Program

The Anger Solutions™ Program was developed out of an expressed need for a comprehensive anger management program that would serve the needs of individuals dealing with a mental illness. Due to contributing factors such as the side effects of medications, varying degrees of cognitive functionality, and in some cases, a decline in mental/emotional stability for the client group, the program needed to be:

1.    simple and easy to understand

2.    presented in a way that would enable the clients to assimilate their new skills

3.    hands-on vs. theoretical in its approach

4.    flexible enough to meet the diverse needs of the client group

5.    deliverable in a 1-hour format over 10 to 12 weeks

From this initial need, the following philosophy and program format was developed over four years of research and practical application:

1. To keep the program simple, it uses as little technical jargon as possible – keeping it at about the Grade 6/7 level of literacy/understanding (the same as daily newspapers)
2. The program follows the Psycho-Social Rehabilitation Model of Lifeskills acquisition and application in order to ensure the repetition and steady building of new skills
3. The Anger Solutions™ Program uses the WIT Model (Whatever It Takes) to reach its participants – successfully and effectively combining a variety of therapeutic approaches including Cognitive Behavioural Therapy, Rational Emotive Therapy, Reality Therapy (Choice Theory), Art and Music Therapy, and Solution Focused Brief Therapy principles.  This not only provides us with various hands-on tools we can apply within the program, but also creates a level of flexibility to work within the individual needs of the client group.
4. The program was designed to be deliverable in one – 1.5 hour modules over a 10-week period. It can be condensed to an 8 week program or extended to 12 weeks.
5. Note that over the initial 4 years of study and use, the program’s content evolved in order to meet the needs of a more diverse group (including children, people with Acquired Brain Injury, addictions, corrections, and developmental delay); however, the philosophy and structure has remained the same.
6. The program’s wholistic approach addresses pre-cursors to anger development including:

-                      poor self-esteem

-                      poor communication skills

-                      assertiveness training

-                      ingrained anger  styles, faulty beliefs, and misperceptions about anger

The Anger Solutions™ Program has various objectives:

1.            To educate and empower each participant to make right choices about their anger

2.            To encourage the taking of responsibility for one’s feelings and actions (vs. laying blame on outside influences)

3.            To effect a significant reduction in harmful, inappropriate behaviour on the part of the participant OR to completely eliminate target behaviours identified by the participant

4.            Participants will experience an increase in their ability to identify the precursors to their own anger, and will be able to make conscious choices both before anger escalates, and in situations of escalated anger

Additional effects or outcomes that can be expected as a result of successful completion of the program include but are not limited to:

1.    Significant increase in self-esteem

2.    Decrease or discontinuation of use of drugs or alcohol as self-medication

3.    Self-reported improvement in overall quality of life of participants

4.    Improvements in quality of mental health

5.    Significant decrease in physical ailments and physiological effects of stress

Measurement Tools used at Intake and Exit:

       Rosenberg Self Esteem Scale

       Clinical Anger Scale

       Anger Solutions™ Participant Surveys (Intake and Exit)

Training is provided on how to use these tools during the Train the Trainer program, and through our tele-seminar series.

Interested in receiving certification as an Anger Solutions Facilitator? Contact us! www.angersolution.com. 

Advice for Bullied Children

Bullying Is Not a Game

Bullying takes shape in a variety of forms: it can be physical (aggression or intimidation), social (relational, social isolation) or verbal (name calling, ridicule, belittling, shaming). Bullying behaviours can be identified in children as young as four years old and for some of those children, the behaviours continue until by Grade 7 or 8 they may have become accomplished bullies.  If children are not taught at a young age that bullying is unacceptable behaviour that will be immediately consequenced, there’s no reason for them to stop when they grow up and enter the workforce. An estimated 37 percent of employees were subjected to ongoing bullying behavior according to research by the Workplace Bullying Institute and Zogby International (2007). In fact, workplace bullying has been defined as a chronic “form of abuse with similarities to domestic violence and the constant exposure of ... health service workers to violent and distressing situations” (Tehrani, 2004).  

Bullying is occurring in playgrounds, classrooms, school hallways, cafeterias, sports teams, clubs, volunteer organizations, and workplaces all around the world. It is only when bullying hits home with its devastating and debilitating pain that it becomes very clear that bullying is not just ‘kids being kids’; rather, bullying is a severe and dangerous threat to a person’s health and well-being.  Bullying is not a game.

Bullying Advice:

If you are being bullied and don’t know what to do …

Talk to someone you trust. This can be your parent, grandparent or person that looks after you. Tell them what happened and how it made you feel if you can. Tell them you need their help. You should also tell someone at the school. It can be a teacher, principal or an adult you trust.

If you don’t feel like you are safe at school tell your teacher or your principal. “I do not feel safe”.

Explain what happened as best as you can. Sometimes it is hard to remember what happened. It’s easy to forget the details when you are scared. If you can, write down what happened; this will help you remember.

Find a safe place in the school. Here are a few ideas but maybe you and your teacher can think of some more … Helping another teacher or helping another class room. Ask if there is something you can do during recess and lunch if you don’t feel that you can be with the other kids. Maybe help in the office. This doesn’t have to be forever but just for a little while until you feel comfortable.

Never do anything you do not feel comfortable doing. If someone wants you to talk to the bully or suggests you “try to work it out” and you don’t feel comfortable doing so, say you don’t want to and ask to speak to your parent.

These strategies are excerpted from Bullying is Not a Game: A Parents’ Survival Guide by Julie Christiansen (www.angersolution.com) and Laurie Flasko. Follow us on Facebook: www.facebook.com/pages/Bullying-is-Not-a-Game.

Anger Solutions: Myth Busters

Do you ever wonder what anger really is and how one can resolve it? Are you tired of hearing the term "anger management" applied to EVERYTHING:

"She has anger management issues"
"He needs anger management"
"Hockey coach shows his lack of anger management"?

Wouldn't you appreciate tools that can actually help you EXPRESS your anger and RESOLVE it rather than just trying to CONTROL anger all the time?

Over the years, we have polled close to 1000 audience members and trainees to find out what they believe to be true about anger, and this short video shares the most common answers, as well as debunks these very widely accepted myths. You will notice that each myth builds on the first one, leading to a very complex set of faulty beliefs that negatively impact the way we perceive and choose to resolve anger. Understanding what anger IS, and the importance of expressing rather than managing it is the first step to getting a handle on your angry feelings.

http://www.youtube.com/watch?v=I7v8zN6m-7w&feature=share&list=UUmzTzcaQ1dJNMStQjc4-qEg&index=1

To learn more, you can order your E-Boook version of Anger Solutions: Proven Strategies for Effectively Resolving Anger and Taking Control of Your Emotions for only $5.99 at www.smashwords.com OR you can purchase a hard copy of the book for $24.99 at www.store.angersolution.com.

Getting Past Your Past: Release Your Past-Based Fears

Do you realize that much of our fear of the future is based on our past experiences? Think about that and then consider how ridiculous that is. Somewhere between childhood and adulthood, we develop an unhealthy fear of taking risks.

Imagine if a baby decided after one failed attempt at walking that the effort "just wasn't worth it". That child would never know the benefits of walking or running and all the joys that mobility can bring. Could you picture a 35 year-old man crawling to work everyday because he just never bothered learning to walk? NO! That is because babies have this innate tenacity that propels them forward even when accomplishing the task seems daunting. They don't give up until they have mastered their latest challenge.

Take note, that as parents, we ENCOURAGE our children to succeed at walking and talking. Perhaps this is the absent factor in much of our lack of success as adults: as we grow and develop, encouragement turns to criticism, much of it negative. Over time negative programming gets in our way. Whereas when we were children we thought, "Mom and Dad can walk, then so can I. I'll just keep trying until I can do it too", now we think, "Jim tried this and failed. What makes me think that I can succeed? I had better not try, because I don't want to look stupid."

Dr. Laura Schlessinger has said, "Failure is not a person; it is an event." This is so true, isn't it! We tend to believe that because we tried something once and failed, then we are doomed to failure from here to eternity. I remember one of my clients who was struggling with the idea of using more assertive behaviour. I encouraged her to use what she had been learning in the classroom with someone safe, whom she could trust. She returned the following week and announced, "Well, I tried being assertive with my husband and he just laughed at me. It doesn't work!" Isn't that just the way we are sometimes? We just throw our hands up and give in after the first (and usually half-hearted) attempt at success.

Anthony Robbins suggests that we tend to stay away from a thing because of fear of failure (pain) until the pain of NOT DOING the thing is greater than the pain of the FEAR. This notion stems from Freud's pain/pleasure principle - that we will always do more to avoid pain than we will to attain pleasure. This explains why for a time after a breakup people will shy away from relationships. They fear the pain of being hurt again. Eventually the pain of being alone overtakes the pain of "What if I get hurt?", so they take a risk and try again with someone new. This cycle is long, arduous, and unnecessary. By coming to the realization that failure is just an event that does not determine who you are, you will be more able to readily dismiss the events of the past so that you can take on the challenges of the future.

Now back to my client who thought assertiveness was useless... I encouraged her to continue using her assertiveness skills, and to be persistent. She kept using assertive language and behaviour in a setting that was safe for her until she grew confident enough that she could use them in the "real world". What do you think she discovered about assertiveness? It does indeed work! She, like a wobbly toddler, needed to keep plugging away at it until she mastered the skill. It is that simple. The events of the past do not have to overshadow our decisions about the future.

That is not to say we should not try to anticipate what may come our way in the future, and prepare for those contingencies in advance; however, releasing the guilt and unresolved feelings of the past will enable us to move ahead into the future with less FEAR.

In their amazing book, The Aladdin Factor, Jack Canfield and Mark Victor Hansen call FEAR, False Evidence Appearing Real. In other words, those things we fear are for the most part, unlikely events, specters raised by the ghosts of our past, whose goal is to cripple us emotionally and motivationally. Realizing that fear is simply an emotion based on past failures and negative experiences - not actual present-based reality - is imperative for getting past the past and moving on into the future.

To learn more about how to get past your past, please visit: https://store.angersolution.com  to purchase your copy of Getting Past Your Past by Julie A. Christiansen, M.A. The 2 CD set comes with a hard-cover spiral bound workbook with exercises accompanying the audio. $49.95 +GST.

Getting Past the Past: Free Yourself

 
"And ye shall know the truth, and the truth shall make you free..."

We are all aware of the truths about our pasts as well as our present. It is human nature to avoid the truth, since the truth is usually not what what we want people to see.

The first step to forgetting your past is to own up to it. Did you used to lie for a living? Were you a career criminal? A less-than-reputable citizen? Perhaps your past is not so sordid, but you made mistakes, did things, said things that you are not proud of. Would the person you are NOW want to know the person you were THEN? Who have you hurt? Who hurt you? By exploring these and other questions, you can identify what is true about your past. Take some time and make a lsit of answers to these questions I've just put to you.

Once you have identified the truth, you should then ask yourself questions like, "How has this past hurt or past experience contributed to who I am today?"

"What were the positive effects or outcomes that resulted from those events in my past?"
"What were the negative effects or outcomes...?"

Saint Paul tells of his history (an educated man, a religious man, but also a murderous zealot who had countless new Christians - both men and women - put to death, and calls himself "chief of all sinners"). But he follows this horrible litany of his past misdeeds by saying, "This one thing I do - forgetting those things which are behind, and reaching for those things which are before, I press toward the mark...". He acknowledges his past and then he does something amazing. He lets it go!

The freedom Saint Paul found to live his new life came from accepting and acknowledging the TRUTH about himself rather than denying it. Had he denied the truth, he would have undermined his credibility. Everyone (every Christian in his day) knew who he was and what he had done. His reputation preceded him everywhere he went. Denying the truth about his past would have made him a hypocrite.

What truths have you been denying about yourself? How is that denial interfering with your becoming the person you want to be? How can you press toward something, if you are continually looking or reaching backward?

Perhaps it is time to face your truth. Then forgive yourself. If you need forgiveness from others, ask for it. But remember you cannot expect others to forgive you if you can't forgive yourself. The future is waiting and it is brighter than you ever imagined. Face the truth about your past, and you will be free to confidently explore the brave new world that is your future.

Transcribed from the audio program, Getting Past Your Past, by Julie A. Christiansen, M.A. Available now at www.angersolution.com $49.95 for 2 CD set with workbook.

Anger Solutions now available in EBOOK format

Happy New Year!

I am very excited to announce that my most popular book, Anger Solutions: Proven Strategies for Effectively Resolving Anger and Taking Control of Your Emotions, is now available in EBook format. Thanks to the amazing folks at Smashwords Publishing (www.smashwords.com), you can now purchase and download the e-version of this book for your Kindle, Kobo, PDF reader, or other e-book reader format that you desire. 

The E-version of the book is much more affordable than the print version for a couple of reasons (only $5.99 USD)- first, it is an e-version and much less costly to produce -  no printing, shipping, or packaging costs are required on my end, and I can pass that savings on to you! Second, some of the content that was contained in the appendix of the print version is now out of date, or no longer needed in a digital version. Contact information for crisis lines across Canada, along with information about eating disorder clinics, grief counseling, partner assault response programs, etc., are readily available via the Internet. Readers are still encouraged to avail themselves of these resources; however, the listings from the print version were deleted for the e-version. Lastly, we have updated the bibliography and included complete references for the sources that informed the book. In all, the page count has been reduced to about 90 pages; however, the full content from all the chapters is there for your reading enjoyment.

Please tell your friends, and visit www.smashwords.com today to get your copy of Anger Solutions for your favourite e-reader.

If you still prefer PRINT, have no fear! You can still order a print version of Anger Solutions from our online store: http://store.angersolution.com.