Three Things I Couldn't Live Without

OK so I admit, this isn't an original idea. I was listening to the CBC radio the other day and heard some folks talking about 3 things they couldn't live without and it made me wonder, what would I say if I were asked that question? "What 3 things would you not be able to live without?"

Hmmm... let me start by listing all the things I sometimes feel like I can't do without but I know for a fact are not essential:

• sexy underwear
• chocolate
• my Blackberry
• my car
• modern methods of communication
• CSI Miami, House, and The Mentalist
• new shoes
• manicures and pedicures
• therapeutic hot stone massage
• ahhh you get the message!

Of course, the essential three things we cannot live without are air, food, and water. But if I were to look at my life metaphorically in terms of really LIVING, there are certain things I could not live without:
1. My family - I love them - even when they make me crazy (and that is more often than not). It is like the kids know whenever I have money - and suddenly, they have all these NEEDS that just have to supersede mine. And of course, because I am Mom, I take care of what they need first. So very often that means I have to forgo the sexy underwear new shoes and the chocolate, because once the kids' NEEDS are taken care of, I'm left with barely enough sense, I mean cents to rub together. BUT I love them all the same. My spouse is another story. He can be a hard man to live with, but then again, I don't know a man who wouldn't be hard to live with. Men are just... DIFFERENT! I'm sure I am just as much a mystery to my spouse, so there you go. We make each other crazy, but we were meant to be together, and the fact is - I wouldn't want to live my life without him or our kids. My extended family falls into this category as well, along with those friends who are close enough for me to count them family. And let's be honest - there are some friends we could live without.
2. My faith - Hey: one of the basic tenets of Anger Solutions is that belief is the basis of action. My faith is one of my most fundamental beliefs. It makes me who I am. It drives me forward, and sometimes yanks me back. It is what keeps me grounded. When I am in distress, that is where I turn. When I am at the top of my game, that is what I credit. Could I LIVE without it? Absolutely not.
3. Money money money! Unfortunately, the way life goes - money has to be my third thing. Lets face it. Money makes the world go round (not literally, folks!). Seriously - without money, one cannot buy food, one cannot pay for one's clean water, and one can certainly not meet all of her children's NEEDS. Without money, there is no sexy underwear, no chocolate, no new shoes, no nice car, very often - there are no friends, no Blackberry... you see where this is going!

So there you have it. Family, Faith, & Money. Three things I could not live without. Now, if you would please excuse me, I hear my kids calling.

Changes: Good and Bad

I haven't written for several weeks and with good reason. In December of last year, my mother came to be with our family for an extended visit (from Jamaica). She has been suffering from some improperly diagnosed health problems for close to 18 years, and we felt it was time that she came back to Canada to get proper medical attention. Part of that process for an expatriate citizen is that one must live in the country for a certain number of months before one's OHIP (Ontario Health Insurance Plan) coverage can be reinstated. For us that meant three months. Sadly, on the 19th of February, just a few days shy of her three month point, she passed away in her sleep. The coroner said he could find no discernable cause of death - she just decided she had enough, and went to sleep and didn't wake up. As you can imagine, it was an incredibly traumatic experience, even though she went peacefully and without any suffering that we could tell - it leaves us with a bevy of unanswered questions, the number one question being, "Why? - Why Now?"

That being said, we have come together as an extended family, and we are doing our best to cope with our loss. One of the things I firmly believe is that anger can often stem from grief. Indeed traditional thought in grief counselling state that there are 10 stages of grief, and one of them is anger. What I have learned through this experience is that the anger comes in waves. It doesn't come all in one tidy package that once we're over, we can just move on. I have good days and bad days. On my bad days, it is all I can do to pull myself out of bed. When I have to take care of the business aspects of losing my mom - like insurance, banking, all that kind of thing, sometimes things don't flow smoothly. On bad days I feel like screaming at them, "My mother is dead - surely you can make this easier for me!" But in my heart, I know that it's not their fault, and it wouldn't be fair to take out my hurt and pain on them. Still - the feelings are there and they are very real.

There are other times, when the anger is directed completely inward. I remember the day she died, that I had to call my father to let him know. That was likely the hardest thing I have ever had to do. You've got to realize that he only spoke to her the week before, and she was joking with him about being on a diet and how he wouldn't recognize her when she came home... The degree of self-loathing I experienced after speaking to him was so intense I could hardly understand it. I realized after a few days of avoiding the phone, that I was afraid that he would blame me for her passing, and I was terrified of facing him. It took my breaking down and confiding my feelings to a good friend that helped me to get past that, so that he and I could talk to each other again. And she was right - he held nothing against me, and despite his own pain, has been very supportive. There are still times, even now, that I feel so angry at myself - for the things I said to her, for the things I didn't say - for the times when I tried to get her to be someone other than she was, failing to realize just how magnificent she was already... But that self-inflicted pain doesn't honour her memory, or help me to heal. It just makes me want to stay in bed and feel sorry for myself. If there is one thing about my mom, she would be throwing a bucket of ice water on me and telling me to stop being a baby, and to get on with my life!

One of the things I have come to realize at a deeper level this year is this - Just Because You Heard It, Doesn't Mean You KNOW It. There are things that we have heard and understood about grieving and how a profound loss affects someone's life - but until you've experienced it, you can't really KNOW what it's like. For me, this has been one of the most painful learning experiences I have ever had. But I intend to learn from it. Otherwise, it would all have been for nothing. Although I still sometimes ask "Why?" I firmly believe that everything happens for a reason. If that is true, then I have to trust that there is a reason that my mom left us on February 19th, and that everything will become clear in its own good time.

Part Two: Lessons from a Champion

I promised a note about what I learned frm a former client who recently completed an extreme hike. This is a woman who is incredibly fit and competes in Iron Man competitions, but had a lot of personal struggle and anger issues she needed to work through. After completing her extreme hike, she emailed me with some insights on what she learned in the process of pushing her body to the limits over a 12 hour period.

Here's what she sent me...

• everyone has highs and lows, emotional and physical. That goes for whether it is an extreme thing or just ordinary life.
• a group of people are stronger than the one singular and they can accomplish so much more together-working together towards a common goal provides a lifelong bond that can never be broken and is never forgotten
• a foundation of respect for teammates comes from witnessing conviction and effort contributed
• self respect, confidence and pride comes from completion of a goal-internal strength to tackle other obstactles in life comes from overcoming an momumental task seemingly unattainable
• trust and faith in others and hope in the world comes from knowing other good people exist

How's that for making giant leaps?

Are you ready to make your own giant leap? Visit my website at http://www.angersolution.com and click on the link for Coaching.

Cheers!

Julie Christiansen