New Anger Solutions Resources Available Now

Hey everyone - I'm beyond excited to announce that the CD Audio version of my book, Anger Solutions is now available! This is a 4 disc set that is a FULL - not an abridged version of the book. That means you get every chapter, word for word. Even the exercises at the end of each chapter are included. The only bit that was not included is the Appendices - that would be like reading Bible geneaology for me, and even less fun to listen to for you.

However, the final CD contains two bonus tracks - the full program entitled, "Anger Solutions: Releasing Residual Anger". These tracks include a brief overview of the Anger Solutions method for resolving anger, as well as a complete exercise to help you release residual anger and to promote a return to your baseline.

This product is too new for the web - I have not uploaded it to my store as yet. But you can still get copies right now, for the introductory price of only $29.99 (plus GST if applicable) and shipping. Call me toll free at 1-866-754-6169 to request a copy. Be sure to leave your name, mailing information and a phone number so we can confirm your order! Thanks :).

The second resource I am equally if not doubly excited about is our Anger Solutions for Kids (AS4K) Program. This resource is for Certified Anger Solutions Facilitators, Coaches, and Trainers ONLY! If you have not already invested in AS Training - at this time you may not have access to this material. The reason being is that we wanted to keep the price affordable, while maintaining program integrity. Therefore, there is no training outside of a 1 hour tutorial and the Facilitator's Guide - our Certified Facilitators, Coaches and Trainers already have all the basic training in AS philosophy and methodology so they can hit the ground running without additional investment in time or money for more training.

Anyway - now that I have openly stated the disclaimer, here is what you get with AS4K:
1. a full colour Facilitator's Guide
2. a CD Rom Master Packet with handouts, activity sheets, power point images, and take home sheets that you can print direct from your computer or photocopier. All the craft templates are also included in this file. This disc also includes a BONUS file: AS4K Outline that you can print and distribute as part of your marketing/promotion for the program
an audio CD with the "What Sound is It" Activity for the Listening Skills module
3. a tutorial on how to convert YouTube video clips into WMV files so you can insert them into Power Point (yes, I teach you how to do that, too). The tutorial also has a short list of age-appropriate movie clips (with exact titles) that you can search on YouTube to demonstrate assertive, passive, and aggressive behaviours.
4. Great packaging! Jellybean colours (choose from blue, pink, orange, or green)
5. This program is licensed. Since only AS Certified professionals will be using the program, the license is non-renewable. This means, that when you renew your annual AS license, there will be no additional renewal fee for the AS4K Program.

AS4K is now available and moving fast out of the gate. All of what you see listed here for only $279 plus GST and shipping.

Again, this resource is too new for the web store, so if you'd like a copy please call the 1866 number or email me: julie AT angersolution.com.
Enjoy!

How to Discipline an "Angry" Child

I was asked just recently what to do about a child who has begun to act out aggressively when he experiences frustration. Here are my thoughts:

First - a child needs to be taught, and reminded, that feeling angry is OK. Anger is an emotion and should not be judged as "bad" or "wrong". If we as parents do this - we are teaching the child that it is "wrong" to feel.

Second - separate the emotion from the behaviour. Validate and respect the emotion - identify the behaviour and explain why it is not acceptable. My policy with my children has always been to acknowledge that they are feeling angry, and that is fine - however, I describe the behaviour they are using to express that anger, and let them know that it is inappropriate.

Third - give alternatives to the unacceptable behaviour. It's like this - when my twin boys were little and they got frustrated they would hit me. This is not acceptable behaviour. And while I do not have a problem with spanking as discipline (in certain situations only), I realize that spanking a child in this scenario, only teaches them that hitting is ok - but only if you are big and the other person is little. So, I provided an alternative so that my little ones could release the negative energy of their anger. "Here - hit this pillow because it is not ok to hit Mommy. When you are not feeling so angry, we can talk about the problem." They would smash those pillows, and give me dirty looks the whole time, and I would smile back and ask, "Are you feeling better yet?" Eventually, the intensity of emotion would wear off, and they would come sit on my lap and we would talk about what they wanted, why Mommy said "no", and what we can do instead. We also talked about why hitting one's mom is not ok - event when you're feeling really angry. This taught my kids several things: 1) they know that they can tell me when they're upset with me, and that I won't judge them for their feelings, 2) they have respect for their parents, authority figures, and for their peers, which to me is most important, and 3) they understand that while they might feel angry sometimes, that aggression is not an appropriate way to resolve their issues. They don't always make the best choices despite this - but, their choices are more informed, and they get better outcomes because they think before they act.

Next - offer choices. Many years ago, my husband and I decided that we would allow our children to choose their form of discipline for the really BIG stuff that they got in trouble for. When they were younger, most times it would be the choice of a spanking (a temporary stinger) vs. losing a privilege like TV or the computer. Sometimes they would choose the spanking - sometimes they would give up a privilege. If they defaced a piece of furniture or broke something valuable, they could work for the money needed to replace it, or work with their dad to repair it. If they made a mess, they could clean it up themselves or they could lose out somewhere else. Sometimes, we just asked, "What do you think is an appropriate punishment for what you have done?" They never copped out and said, "nothing at all..." They always chose something that was fitting, and we always walked away feeling really proud of our kids. What did we teach them through this process? 1) That every choice you make has a consequence - sometimes positive, sometimes negative, but those consequences are a direct result of YOUR choices - it isn't anyone else's fault. 2) They learned how to take responsibility for their mistakes. Too often, people want to pass the buck and lay blame elsewhere - taking responsibility is almost a lost art now - but a value that is desperately needed if we hope to raise socially responsible, contributing members of society.

When in doubt, always ask yourself, "What do I want my child to learn through this experience?" If your answer sounds like you want them to know who is in charge, or that they can't get away with _________ (you fill in the blanks), or that they should know their place - chances are that your motivation is control and dominance vs. teaching your child to be responsible. When your objectives are to ensure that your child learns from his/her mistakes, makes good choices, and learns how to take ownership for his/her behaviour, your choices for discipline will move towards effecting those positive outcomes.

To learn more about our Anger Solutions(TM) for Kids program starting in Port Colborne this fall, please contact us at http://www.angersolution.com/transformed.php

Angry Kids - Angry Schools: What Can Be Done?

How to Help Kids Resolve Anger

As I write this, I am putting the finishing touches on a new program: "Anger Solutions for Kids", which will be launched in Port Colborne this fall.

Why? Because over the last 12 months or so, I have been moved and troubled by the rash of schoolyard violence taking place in playgrounds across Ontario, Canada, and indeed, the world. Take for example, the story from last winter of the 12 year old girl who puched an 11 year old boy in the chest after he defended his "girlfriend" to her. The boy, suffering from a congenital heart disease, died from the blow. With simple conflict/anger resolution skills in place for both children, this tragedy might have been avoided.

Over recent days, I have noticed several articles addressing the issue of anger in children. In this article, I'd like to share snippets of these pieces, and add the Anger Solutions philosophy into the mix. James Lehman, famed MSW and author of the Total Transformation Program writes, "The next time your child acts out, instead of asking him why he did it, try saying, “Let’s look at what you do when you get angry.” That way, you’re teaching him that he’s angry and getting him to look at what he’s doing with the anger. The primary goal of behavioral change is to get people to do something different when they’re upset, angry or afraid. The next step is to ask, “The next time this happens, what can you do differently?” Don’t try to tell him, “You shouldn’t feel this way,” or “Those feelings aren’t valid.” Just say, “The next time you feel this way, what can you do differently?” It’s a very different process than the one that begins with “Why do you feel that way?” or “Why did you do that?” When you ask those questions, you’re going to get all the excuses and justifications which are so detrimental to actual problem-solving."

I must agree with James in this respect. Too often children are grounded to their rooms by well-meaning parents, with the instructions to "think about what they have done." Rather, it would be much more effective and educational for the child to be asked to "think about what they could have done differently." Children need to be taught how to resolve their emotions - all emotions, positive and negative. Parents and Educators must begin to make the distinction between emotion and behaviour. Children can be taught that it is ok to feel angry, but their choices of how to express it may sometimes be poor ones. We can then teach them how to make better choices. The Anger Solutions program offers simple, practical ways to work through decision making - so simple a child as young as 6 can understand it.

Another anonymous writer on the web has some intersting but faulty concepts about childhood anger. He writes, "As early as birth and infancy, children use their frustration or anger (by screaming or crying) to get the proper attention from adults since they can not speak. Thus we deduce that it is an emotion that comes naturally to everybody. The key however, is to learn to control and manage it right from the beginning. Even though the emotion comes naturally, the ability to manage it well is really an art and is learnt through a very long time.If you notice, only children around an year display the ability to pretend emotions like fear, happiness, sadness. Meaning that they are not really feeling them but only pretending them as in a game. Which shows that it is fruitful to teach anger management only once the child is an year old and not before that."

I have to say that this does not make much sense. If emotion comes naturally, then how is it that one-year-olds can only pretend emotions? When an infant cries, that is because crying is the only tool the child has with which to communicate! It is true that emotions come naturally, but to say that a child uses frustration and anger is misleading. The child uses the only voice he has to express himself.

Now - if we follow that notion through early development, if the only voice the child uses is screaming and crying - AND that is the only voice that is rewarded, the child will continue to use that mode of communication. However, we know that children will learn how to communicate using language, body-talk, tone of voice, etc. from the examples around them. I do not believe it is possible to teach a one-year old "anger management". However, I do believe that we as parents can begin instilling proper values and concepts into a child as s/he develops so that when s/he is ready for learning emotionality (or for developing emotional intelligence), s/he will be prepared to incorporate appropriate problem solving and anger resolution behaviours.

This writer also mentions that, "When a toddler learns to walk, he wants to explore the whole world and we adults keep him from doing this. It could be the first example of frustrating the child and it is from right here that we need to teach him to control his anger and learn to behave in a good manner instead of throwing a fit." Here again I must disagree. Parenting is not designed to "frustrate" a child, nor is setting boundaries for a child's safety. Firm but loving parenting can and will be perceived as such, and should not be blamed for unruly behaviour in children. My second point of contention here is the notion that we must teach children to control their anger - I do not believe in anger control, anymore than I believe in "happiness control", or "love control". The notion is ridiculous! Anger as an emotion is just that - an emotion. Teaching children to make right choices about how to express anger is, in my opinion, the only way to go.

Anger Solutions for Kids will begin running in Port Colborne the first week of October. Children aged 9-12 are welcome to attend. There is a minimal fee associated with this program.

If you would like to learn more about Anger Solutions for Kids, please visit http://www.angersolution.com/transformed.php for details.