Kids Need Help Resolving Anger and Conflict

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This just in from Naomi Drew, of the Philadelphia Examiner, National survey results: Kids want solutions to bullying and conflict
August 14th, 2010 5:07 pm

Eight to twelve year-olds across the country revealed, in a recently-released survey, that bullying, conflict, and meanness weighed heavy on their hearts and minds. 2171 kids throughout the US were asked to share their personal stories of bullying and conflict in a survey conducted by Naomi Drew in conjunction with Free Spirit Publishing. Across the board, what the children shared was surprisingly frank, sometimes heartbreakingly so. “I try to ignore conflicts, but if I can’t I just hurt,” said a 5th grade girl. A 6th grade boy who was cornered by a gang of kids in his school hallway wrote: “They ripped up my science book, took my hat, and laughed at me. I was so mad I went to my locker and sobbed.”



An overwhelming number of the students surveyed expressed their desire for positive change. 80% said they wanted to learn ways to end bullying, avoid fights, get along better with peers, and work out conflicts. Many felt overwhelmed by the meanness of their peers. An 11 year-old boy who was being bullied daily said, “It just makes me want to die.” With the spate of recent youth suicides that have been in the headlines, words like these can’t be ignored.

73% of the kids surveyed said other kids are somewhat to very mean. “I’ve been through a lot,” wrote a 4th grade boy. “Kids don’t like the way I look. They call me names and kick me. I am so sick of being picked on.”

Conflict is another major issue for kids. Almost 50% see conflicts happening often, every day, or all the time. 68% said being teased or made fun of is the number one source of their conflicts in their lives, and 64% listed name-calling as the cause of their conflicts. A 10 year old girl wrote, “Kids called me names every day. It got uncomfortable to be at school.” How about these break-your-heart words from a 9 year-old, “People call me names and make fun of me because I don’t have a mom.”

It’s clear from the survey that kids want and need change. Teachers want change too. A fourth grade teacher from New Jersey who responded to the survey wrote, “Anger and bullying are among the major issues I see as a teacher.” With character education programs being cut left and right, and No Child Left Behind turning our schools into testing machines, it’s time for priorities to shift. We need to stop focusing so much on test results, and do a lot more to help kids learn in an atmosphere of peace and emotional safety. In the words of a 10 year-old survey participant, “I wish there was a way to clean up this mess and find a way to make peace.”

Anger Solutions for Kids (AS4K) is a tool that was developed for precisely this purpose - to help teach school-aged children how to resolve anger and conflict, and to minimize the impact of bullying. Visit our website: http://www.angersolution.com/angersolutionsforkids.php to learn more about the program if you are already a Certified Anger Solutions Provider, or contact us at 1-866-754-6169 to learn how you can become an Anger Solutions for Kids Facilitator.

See the original version of this story at http://www.examiner.com/bullying-in-philadelphia/national-survey-results-kids-want-solutions-to-bullying-and-conflict-1

Anger Solutions RePost: You are a Gun, With a Twist

I always marvel at that slogan: "Guns don't kill people... People kill people". Yeah - that's true, but all too often, people kill people - using guns!

Note the original of this photo is courtesy of http://www.firstmonkeyinspace.com/store/cpshop.cgi/designs/firstmonkey/6052781).

Early in my book, Anger Solutions, I use the analogy of "triggers". We all have triggers that people or situations can pull (or buttons people can push) that sets of a chain of reactions in our thoughts, words, and actions. Does that mean that when people push your buttons, or pull your triggers, that you have to fire? This distinction became clearer for me during a coaching session some time ago. It occurred to me that my client always seemed to correlate his behaviours with what people do. It's always someone's fault - if only things weren't so stressful, if only people would do what he wanted them to, if only he weren't under so much pressure from his clients... he wouldn't be so aggressive and intimidating. He also has made it quite clear that he can turn off his aggressive behaviour style when he is with certain people, but it comes out full swing with others.

So I had to ask: "Do you believe that other people are responsible for what you do?"I gave him this as homework to think about... What you do is not a function of people or situations around you; what you do is a function of your choice.

You may be like a gun, with triggers that can set you off, but the twist is that you are a human being - not an inanimate object. You cannot be manipulated into firing, unless you allow yourself to be. You ultimately make the choice to be aggressive, to be threatening, or to be intimidating, just as much as you make the choice to be nice, passive, or to "kiss butt". Very often people make these choices unconsciously or automatically - they do not realize that they are in control.

A large part of the Anger Solutions program is to wake people up to the realization that they are in control of what they think, do, or say - even when their hot buttons are being pushed.So the next time someone or something pushes your buttons - remember, you are a gun with a twist.

You can make a choice about how you respond based on the following factors:
* what is really happening
* what it means to you now and what it will mean in the future
* what kind of outcome you would like to see come from this event (e.g. do you want to go to jail for assault or would you like to resolve the situation assertively?)
* how important is the person (or the people) involved in this situation, and how would your like your relationship to progress from this point? Your choice of behaviour will determine where it goes from here.

Remember this the next time you decide to fire at will. Guns kill people. People kill people too. You are both a gun AND a person with the power of choice. Choose wisely.

How to Discipline an "Angry" Child

I was asked just recently what to do about a child who has begun to act out aggressively when he experiences frustration. Here are my thoughts:

First - a child needs to be taught, and reminded, that feeling angry is OK. Anger is an emotion and should not be judged as "bad" or "wrong". If we as parents do this - we are teaching the child that it is "wrong" to feel.

Second - separate the emotion from the behaviour. Validate and respect the emotion - identify the behaviour and explain why it is not acceptable. My policy with my children has always been to acknowledge that they are feeling angry, and that is fine - however, I describe the behaviour they are using to express that anger, and let them know that it is inappropriate.

Third - give alternatives to the unacceptable behaviour. It's like this - when my twin boys were little and they got frustrated they would hit me. This is not acceptable behaviour. And while I do not have a problem with spanking as discipline (in certain situations only), I realize that spanking a child in this scenario, only teaches them that hitting is ok - but only if you are big and the other person is little. So, I provided an alternative so that my little ones could release the negative energy of their anger. "Here - hit this pillow because it is not ok to hit Mommy. When you are not feeling so angry, we can talk about the problem." They would smash those pillows, and give me dirty looks the whole time, and I would smile back and ask, "Are you feeling better yet?" Eventually, the intensity of emotion would wear off, and they would come sit on my lap and we would talk about what they wanted, why Mommy said "no", and what we can do instead. We also talked about why hitting one's mom is not ok - event when you're feeling really angry. This taught my kids several things: 1) they know that they can tell me when they're upset with me, and that I won't judge them for their feelings, 2) they have respect for their parents, authority figures, and for their peers, which to me is most important, and 3) they understand that while they might feel angry sometimes, that aggression is not an appropriate way to resolve their issues. They don't always make the best choices despite this - but, their choices are more informed, and they get better outcomes because they think before they act.

Next - offer choices. Many years ago, my husband and I decided that we would allow our children to choose their form of discipline for the really BIG stuff that they got in trouble for. When they were younger, most times it would be the choice of a spanking (a temporary stinger) vs. losing a privilege like TV or the computer. Sometimes they would choose the spanking - sometimes they would give up a privilege. If they defaced a piece of furniture or broke something valuable, they could work for the money needed to replace it, or work with their dad to repair it. If they made a mess, they could clean it up themselves or they could lose out somewhere else. Sometimes, we just asked, "What do you think is an appropriate punishment for what you have done?" They never copped out and said, "nothing at all..." They always chose something that was fitting, and we always walked away feeling really proud of our kids. What did we teach them through this process? 1) That every choice you make has a consequence - sometimes positive, sometimes negative, but those consequences are a direct result of YOUR choices - it isn't anyone else's fault. 2) They learned how to take responsibility for their mistakes. Too often, people want to pass the buck and lay blame elsewhere - taking responsibility is almost a lost art now - but a value that is desperately needed if we hope to raise socially responsible, contributing members of society.

When in doubt, always ask yourself, "What do I want my child to learn through this experience?" If your answer sounds like you want them to know who is in charge, or that they can't get away with _________ (you fill in the blanks), or that they should know their place - chances are that your motivation is control and dominance vs. teaching your child to be responsible. When your objectives are to ensure that your child learns from his/her mistakes, makes good choices, and learns how to take ownership for his/her behaviour, your choices for discipline will move towards effecting those positive outcomes.

To learn more about our Anger Solutions(TM) for Kids program starting in Port Colborne this fall, please contact us at http://www.angersolution.com/transformed.php

Angry Kids - Angry Schools: What Can Be Done?

How to Help Kids Resolve Anger

As I write this, I am putting the finishing touches on a new program: "Anger Solutions for Kids", which will be launched in Port Colborne this fall.

Why? Because over the last 12 months or so, I have been moved and troubled by the rash of schoolyard violence taking place in playgrounds across Ontario, Canada, and indeed, the world. Take for example, the story from last winter of the 12 year old girl who puched an 11 year old boy in the chest after he defended his "girlfriend" to her. The boy, suffering from a congenital heart disease, died from the blow. With simple conflict/anger resolution skills in place for both children, this tragedy might have been avoided.

Over recent days, I have noticed several articles addressing the issue of anger in children. In this article, I'd like to share snippets of these pieces, and add the Anger Solutions philosophy into the mix. James Lehman, famed MSW and author of the Total Transformation Program writes, "The next time your child acts out, instead of asking him why he did it, try saying, “Let’s look at what you do when you get angry.” That way, you’re teaching him that he’s angry and getting him to look at what he’s doing with the anger. The primary goal of behavioral change is to get people to do something different when they’re upset, angry or afraid. The next step is to ask, “The next time this happens, what can you do differently?” Don’t try to tell him, “You shouldn’t feel this way,” or “Those feelings aren’t valid.” Just say, “The next time you feel this way, what can you do differently?” It’s a very different process than the one that begins with “Why do you feel that way?” or “Why did you do that?” When you ask those questions, you’re going to get all the excuses and justifications which are so detrimental to actual problem-solving."

I must agree with James in this respect. Too often children are grounded to their rooms by well-meaning parents, with the instructions to "think about what they have done." Rather, it would be much more effective and educational for the child to be asked to "think about what they could have done differently." Children need to be taught how to resolve their emotions - all emotions, positive and negative. Parents and Educators must begin to make the distinction between emotion and behaviour. Children can be taught that it is ok to feel angry, but their choices of how to express it may sometimes be poor ones. We can then teach them how to make better choices. The Anger Solutions program offers simple, practical ways to work through decision making - so simple a child as young as 6 can understand it.

Another anonymous writer on the web has some intersting but faulty concepts about childhood anger. He writes, "As early as birth and infancy, children use their frustration or anger (by screaming or crying) to get the proper attention from adults since they can not speak. Thus we deduce that it is an emotion that comes naturally to everybody. The key however, is to learn to control and manage it right from the beginning. Even though the emotion comes naturally, the ability to manage it well is really an art and is learnt through a very long time.If you notice, only children around an year display the ability to pretend emotions like fear, happiness, sadness. Meaning that they are not really feeling them but only pretending them as in a game. Which shows that it is fruitful to teach anger management only once the child is an year old and not before that."

I have to say that this does not make much sense. If emotion comes naturally, then how is it that one-year-olds can only pretend emotions? When an infant cries, that is because crying is the only tool the child has with which to communicate! It is true that emotions come naturally, but to say that a child uses frustration and anger is misleading. The child uses the only voice he has to express himself.

Now - if we follow that notion through early development, if the only voice the child uses is screaming and crying - AND that is the only voice that is rewarded, the child will continue to use that mode of communication. However, we know that children will learn how to communicate using language, body-talk, tone of voice, etc. from the examples around them. I do not believe it is possible to teach a one-year old "anger management". However, I do believe that we as parents can begin instilling proper values and concepts into a child as s/he develops so that when s/he is ready for learning emotionality (or for developing emotional intelligence), s/he will be prepared to incorporate appropriate problem solving and anger resolution behaviours.

This writer also mentions that, "When a toddler learns to walk, he wants to explore the whole world and we adults keep him from doing this. It could be the first example of frustrating the child and it is from right here that we need to teach him to control his anger and learn to behave in a good manner instead of throwing a fit." Here again I must disagree. Parenting is not designed to "frustrate" a child, nor is setting boundaries for a child's safety. Firm but loving parenting can and will be perceived as such, and should not be blamed for unruly behaviour in children. My second point of contention here is the notion that we must teach children to control their anger - I do not believe in anger control, anymore than I believe in "happiness control", or "love control". The notion is ridiculous! Anger as an emotion is just that - an emotion. Teaching children to make right choices about how to express anger is, in my opinion, the only way to go.

Anger Solutions for Kids will begin running in Port Colborne the first week of October. Children aged 9-12 are welcome to attend. There is a minimal fee associated with this program.

If you would like to learn more about Anger Solutions for Kids, please visit http://www.angersolution.com/transformed.php for details.

Comments from Belfast...

This interesting commentary comes from TJ MacLean in Belfast who is a "retired" teacher. His observations about the rise in unruliness in the schools could well translate to what is happening here in North America. What I found most interesting about the referral to evening anger management classes - is that he was the one receiving the referral rather than his unruly students! Check it out. I welcome your comments... especially from teachers - what do you think?
This article can be found at: http://www.belfasttelegraph.co.uk/news/letters/article3856391.ece
Thursday, July 03, 2008
I was not surprised by the recent headline '320 teachers off sick each day' (Belfast Telegraph, June 25).
Speaking as a retired teacher of 30 years experience, forced out of teaching due to stress, I feel that the well-meaning comments of Frank Bunting, northern secretary of the Irish National Teachers' Organisation, and the DUP's Michelle McIlveen fail to pinpoint the main reason for these alarming numbers.
Yes, effective teaching is made difficult by large class sizes, additional administration, new initiatives and so on, but teaching remains bearable and even with these added burdens, good teaching can take place.
This does not hold true when classes are blighted by disruptive behaviour from a small, but vocal, minority.
Today's teachers are expected to face unprecedented levels of classroom indiscipline.
In my experience many teachers, particularly in the secondary school sector, face a daily routine of loud confrontational pupil 'situations'.
The use of violence against teachers is not unknown.
Worryingly, due to the availability of the mobile phone, more and more parents are prepared to arrive unannounced at school, to angrily pursue any teacher who dares to 'pick on', their 'totally innocent' child!
In our 'I know my rights society' there are few effective sanctions that headmasters can use against disruptive pupils.
Remarkably, the Department of Education's answer to rising school indiscipline has been to cut special school provision and merely repeat the mantra that schools need to be all inclusive.
In effect, schools and teachers are very much left on their own to deal with the problems.
Five years ago, as a teacher I faced rising classroom indiscipline, affecting my health. When I sought help, I was laughably offered a place on an evening anger management course.
With management answers like this to a situation where good pupils and their teachers are both suffering, is it any wonder that the average number of sick days that teachers take is rapidly rising?
These figures represent a loud wake up call to the Department of Education to come up with effective measures that will protect the rights of teachers to teach and pupils who want to learn, thus cutting to a minimum days lost due to teacher sickness.
T J McClean
Belfast