Anger Solutions RePost: You are a Gun, With a Twist

I always marvel at that slogan: "Guns don't kill people... People kill people". Yeah - that's true, but all too often, people kill people - using guns!

Note the original of this photo is courtesy of http://www.firstmonkeyinspace.com/store/cpshop.cgi/designs/firstmonkey/6052781).

Early in my book, Anger Solutions, I use the analogy of "triggers". We all have triggers that people or situations can pull (or buttons people can push) that sets of a chain of reactions in our thoughts, words, and actions. Does that mean that when people push your buttons, or pull your triggers, that you have to fire? This distinction became clearer for me during a coaching session some time ago. It occurred to me that my client always seemed to correlate his behaviours with what people do. It's always someone's fault - if only things weren't so stressful, if only people would do what he wanted them to, if only he weren't under so much pressure from his clients... he wouldn't be so aggressive and intimidating. He also has made it quite clear that he can turn off his aggressive behaviour style when he is with certain people, but it comes out full swing with others.

So I had to ask: "Do you believe that other people are responsible for what you do?"I gave him this as homework to think about... What you do is not a function of people or situations around you; what you do is a function of your choice.

You may be like a gun, with triggers that can set you off, but the twist is that you are a human being - not an inanimate object. You cannot be manipulated into firing, unless you allow yourself to be. You ultimately make the choice to be aggressive, to be threatening, or to be intimidating, just as much as you make the choice to be nice, passive, or to "kiss butt". Very often people make these choices unconsciously or automatically - they do not realize that they are in control.

A large part of the Anger Solutions program is to wake people up to the realization that they are in control of what they think, do, or say - even when their hot buttons are being pushed.So the next time someone or something pushes your buttons - remember, you are a gun with a twist.

You can make a choice about how you respond based on the following factors:
* what is really happening
* what it means to you now and what it will mean in the future
* what kind of outcome you would like to see come from this event (e.g. do you want to go to jail for assault or would you like to resolve the situation assertively?)
* how important is the person (or the people) involved in this situation, and how would your like your relationship to progress from this point? Your choice of behaviour will determine where it goes from here.

Remember this the next time you decide to fire at will. Guns kill people. People kill people too. You are both a gun AND a person with the power of choice. Choose wisely.

Domestic Violence and Murder in Florida - Was it Anger?

This just in: Fla. mother slain with five children had been warned of danger by friend
This story was Submitted by SHNS on Mon, 09/21/2009 - 13:09
By LESLIE WILLIAMS, Scripps Howard News Service
national

Marie Aimee lay awake, replaying old conversations with her best friend in her head. "We always said, 'Guerline, if he tries to kill you, just leave him,'" Aimee said. "Don't let him kill you."
Police told a family member Guerline Damas' husband, Mesac Damas, did just that, slitting her throat and that of their five children.
Saturday night at 8:30, Aimee got a phone call she had dreaded receiving for the nine years she knew Guerline Damas.
Damas was dead, and worse, her five children were found dead with her. Mesac Damas, 33, the father and "person of interest" in the case is believed to be in Haiti following a Friday morning flight out of Miami.
... She said she had been telling Guerline Damas for years to leave her husband, whom she married two years ago after the birth of their fourth child together, Megan, 3. The other four children were Michzach, 9; Marven, 6; Maven, 5; and Morgan, 11 months.
They had married two years ago.
... They went to an anger management class together on Wednesday... On Friday, Guerline Damas failed to show up for work.
The employee said that when reached, Mesac Damas said his wife was sick and was on her way to the hospital.
Collier County Clerk of Court records show a history of domestic violence charges against Damas' husband involving Guerline Damas and some of her children. Records show there also was a charge filed against Guerline Damas, with her husband listed as the victim, but it was dropped.
In a Sunday press conference, Sheriff's Office officials said they had received calls about disturbances in the Dieu-Damas home as far back as 2000. January 2009 was the only time deputies had enough evidence to arrest Mesac Damas, however. Officials said the couple had been together for 10 years.
Marie Aimee said Mesac Damas was physically violent, as well as controlling.
"Sometimes he was breaking down everything in the house," Aimee said. "He was always getting her money and spending it on nothing."
Up to 10 million children experience domestic violence every year and more than three women are murdered by their partners every day in the United States, according to Family Violence Prevention Fund statistics.
Oberhaus said the majority of domestic violence relationship murders occur when the woman has decided to leave or shortly thereafter, and that it is important to establish a safety plan to prevent such tragedies from occurring.

Naples Daily News staff writer Matt Clark contributed to this story.
(Leslie Williams is a reporter for the Naples Daily News in Florida.)
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I have said it before and I'll say it again: it is time to STOP assuming that when a man exerts his physical power over a woman or her children that it is an anger issue. Anger management will NOT save these women from their abusive partners.

Domestic violence is not an anger issue. This is about power and control - poor self-mastery skills on the part of the abuser. You ask an abuser what it is about - if he were completely self-aware and honest with himself, he would say, "It is about making you feel small so I can feel strong. It is about me forcing you to love me, to stay with me, to take care of me, to please me, because I do not feel that I could deserve that love any other way. I'm not angry, I'm scared. Scared that you'll leave me. Scared of what that will say about me. I'm scared that I can't change and I can't stop. I'm scared of the monster that I have become. But I can't blame me, so I'll blame you. If only you would do what I want, have sex when I want, shut those kids up, put dinner on the table when I want it, quit your job because your independence makes me feel insecure... if you would do all of that I wouldn't have to beat you. But then even if you do all of that, the fact that you have self control and I don't - that says negative things about me too. I hate myself but I'm too much of a coward to hurt myself, so I'll hurt you instead. At least then, I feel powerful, and I feel in control."

Please, please, please, crown attorneys, district attorneys, family lawyers, and judges - please stop sending these men with mile-long rap sheets for domestic violence to anger management classes. Send them to programs for men who batter, and get their families away from them before it is too late.