Monday, September 08, 2008

CAASP Retreat a Great Success! Highlights on Video

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Thank you a thousand times to the folks who joined me for the first annual retreat of the CAASP (Canadian Association of Anger Solutions Professionals) in Barrie, Ontario. What a great time! We had loads of fun amidst the more serious discussions around business building, branding, marketing, and of course - best practices in Anger Solutions. The creativity and laughter workshops rounded out our sessions, and we all had a fabulous time. Here is a video summary of the retreat - save the date - the FIRST week of September 2009, we're going to do it again!

Monday, September 01, 2008

Work Rage - Time For Companies to get out of Denial

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Anger management in the workplace: Raging bull
01 September 2008 00:00
The traditionally curmudgeonly British character shouldn’t lead us to overlook the risks anger at work can pose to staff health and wellbeing, writes Virginia Matthews.
And the anger isn't restricted to road, shopping or Naomi Campbell-style air-rage either.

Work rage

According to recent research from employment law firm Peninsula, eight in 10 of us suffer from 'work rage' triggered by anything from lazy colleagues to ill-defined job roles. As many as seven in 10 report that verbal abuse and shouting is common in their place of work.


Seeing a colleague hurl their BlackBerry at the wall or square-up to an unpopular boss may be diverting at the time, but according to Dirk Hansen, director of clinical and service quality at Employee Advisory Resource, a persistently angry colleague can be highly disruptive in a team.
"Anger makes people say hurtful things and it triggers insecurity and lack of trust. Staff may become tentative in their approach to a colleague with anger problems, obstructing the work process and flow, and in the case of explosive anger, may become fearful of violence."
He advocates a zero-tolerance approach when the red mist comes down. "Line management should directly confront any individual who exhibits anger in the workplace and HR should not hesitate to deal with it in a disciplinary context."


Mike Fisher, founder of the British Association of Anger Management, says most organisations are in denial over work-rage, making it "the hot potato that nobody wants to touch".
He argues that while stress, anxiety or low self-esteem are already familiar territory to managers, the gnawing rage suffered inwardly by some staff tends to be hidden under a veneer of self-deprecation and sarcasm.


"While HR has come to embrace the problem of work-induced stress, the anger that invariably follows it is still the elephant in the room," says Fisher, a self-confessed 'passive-aggressive'.
"Yet this is a problem that will only continue to rise along with the country's current economic problems," he adds.


Although most flare-ups at work are minor – an oath, a phone banged down or a slammed desk drawer – work rage can, on occasions, be dramatic.


Paul Dubois, senior anger management instructor at Reed Learning, talks of the two senior surgeons referred to him after they set upon one another with scalpels and knives in an operating theatre: Ivan Robertson of occupational psychologists Robertson Cooper, remembers seeing a colleague coolly smash every single window pane in his office with a metal waste basket.


Calculated subversion
In Fisher's view, though, the problem of "calculated subversion" is far more of a danger to most employers.


"Although it is still deemed acceptable in our society for senior directors to blow their tops and bawl out colleagues, overt aggression is very rare among the lower ranks."


For those workers who feel they don't have a voice at work, undermining the organisation at every possible opportunity can be a far more subtle and deadly way of fighting back, he says.
"Spending extra time at lunch and on breaks is a favourite, as is lying on expenses forms. Angry staff will also spread malicious rumours, phone in sick when it's most inconvenient, be less caring towards customers and be downright obstreperous towards new members of staff," Fisher says.
"You won't even realise what they've been doing until there's a wave of resignations or you lose your biggest customers or contracts."


When it comes to figuring out why we are so angry in the first place – and the rage appears to affect teachers and doctors as much as call centre or sales staff – the consensus of opinion is that lack of autonomy and control, as well as ill-defined work roles, are the number-one suspects, along with mounting workloads and smaller staff numbers.


In the Metropolitan Police, which recently launched 'Shrinking Clouds', a toolkit that aims to combat absenteeism, it is stress, not anger, that receives the most attention.
"I've never yet seen a doctor's note that says: 'Mr So-and-So is off work due to anger problems'," says chief medical officer Dr Eileen Cahill-Canning. "I consider stress to be a far less pejorative word than anger and far easier for people to talk about, even though the two are inextricably linked."


She adds: "Our officers are highly trained not to react emotionally or angrily when faced with highly stressful situations. While it is possible that repressing anger in this way could lead to severe problems later on, we believe our concentration on stress, together with our falling absenteeism levels, speak for themselves."


The right target
For many organisations, anger management only hits the radar when there's been 'an incident' – a shouting match in the middle of the accounts department, or wilful damage to company property.


Yet the individual chosen to receive lessons in managing their anger is not always the right one, says Dubois.


"In many cases, employers are happy to blame individual members of staff for the outburst against a manager, without examining either whether their treatment at work has been fair or finding out whether there's another reason – perhaps a deeply personal one – for their display of anger."


"Although our courses tend to be filled with staff, not their managers, in nine cases out of 10, I would argue that it is actually their bosses who need to manage their anger better too," he says. "Ultimately, we teach people how to say 'no' to their employer, but to do it in an assertive, rather than aggressive way that avoids both manipulating others and resorting to threats or violence.


Virginia Matthews (About this Author)
www.PersonnelToday.com
Tuesday, 02 September 2008

Monday, August 25, 2008

How to Discipline an "Angry" Child

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I was asked just recently what to do about a child who has begun to act out aggressively when he experiences frustration. Here are my thoughts:

First - a child needs to be taught, and reminded, that feeling angry is OK. Anger is an emotion and should not be judged as "bad" or "wrong". If we as parents do this - we are teaching the child that it is "wrong" to feel.

Second - separate the emotion from the behaviour. Validate and respect the emotion - identify the behaviour and explain why it is not acceptable. My policy with my children has always been to acknowledge that they are feeling angry, and that is fine - however, I describe the behaviour they are using to express that anger, and let them know that it is inappropriate.

Third - give alternatives to the unacceptable behaviour. It's like this - when my twin boys were little and they got frustrated they would hit me. This is not acceptable behaviour. And while I do not have a problem with spanking as discipline (in certain situations only), I realize that spanking a child in this scenario, only teaches them that hitting is ok - but only if you are big and the other person is little. So, I provided an alternative so that my little ones could release the negative energy of their anger. "Here - hit this pillow because it is not ok to hit Mommy. When you are not feeling so angry, we can talk about the problem." They would smash those pillows, and give me dirty looks the whole time, and I would smile back and ask, "Are you feeling better yet?" Eventually, the intensity of emotion would wear off, and they would come sit on my lap and we would talk about what they wanted, why Mommy said "no", and what we can do instead. We also talked about why hitting one's mom is not ok - event when you're feeling really angry. This taught my kids several things: 1) they know that they can tell me when they're upset with me, and that I won't judge them for their feelings, 2) they have respect for their parents, authority figures, and for their peers, which to me is most important, and 3) they understand that while they might feel angry sometimes, that aggression is not an appropriate way to resolve their issues. They don't always make the best choices despite this - but, their choices are more informed, and they get better outcomes because they think before they act.

Next - offer choices. Many years ago, my husband and I decided that we would allow our children to choose their form of discipline for the really BIG stuff that they got in trouble for. When they were younger, most times it would be the choice of a spanking (a temporary stinger) vs. losing a privilege like TV or the computer. Sometimes they would choose the spanking - sometimes they would give up a privilege. If they defaced a piece of furniture or broke something valuable, they could work for the money needed to replace it, or work with their dad to repair it. If they made a mess, they could clean it up themselves or they could lose out somewhere else. Sometimes, we just asked, "What do you think is an appropriate punishment for what you have done?" They never copped out and said, "nothing at all..." They always chose something that was fitting, and we always walked away feeling really proud of our kids. What did we teach them through this process? 1) That every choice you make has a consequence - sometimes positive, sometimes negative, but those consequences are a direct result of YOUR choices - it isn't anyone else's fault. 2) They learned how to take responsibility for their mistakes. Too often, people want to pass the buck and lay blame elsewhere - taking responsibility is almost a lost art now - but a value that is desperately needed if we hope to raise socially responsible, contributing members of society.

When in doubt, always ask yourself, "What do I want my child to learn through this experience?" If your answer sounds like you want them to know who is in charge, or that they can't get away with _________ (you fill in the blanks), or that they should know their place - chances are that your motivation is control and dominance vs. teaching your child to be responsible. When your objectives are to ensure that your child learns from his/her mistakes, makes good choices, and learns how to take ownership for his/her behaviour, your choices for discipline will move towards effecting those positive outcomes.

To learn more about our Anger Solutions(TM) for Kids program starting in Port Colborne this fall, please contact us at http://www.angersolution.com/transformed.php