I Need Your Help

Coming soon, new viral video to promote our retreat. I need your help though... in order for the video to be "viral" I need your help in forwarding the link to the video to as many colleagues as you can - those who have an interest in Anger Solutions and the field of anger management in general. Please, talk this event up to your friends and colleagues and encourage them to make this first retreat a memorable one!

Keep Un-necessary Stressors Away

Crying baby? Can’t help that. Boorish boss? Maybe you can’t help that either. But that third cup of coffee? You can steer clear of that one. There are some things in life that are uncontrollable, and then there are others that we can do something about. Ironically, part of the challenge about stressors that we can’t control, is that sometimes we can’t control when they come in and out of our lives. That said, there are certain kinds of stresses that we can keep out of our lives. Here are just a few things that we openly welcome, sometimes unaware that they are stress-inducers rather than stress-reducers:

Ø Watching or reading the morning or 10 p.m. news – starting or ending the day with bad news can heighten our stress. I remember giving a seminar in Rochester, NY, and most of the people showed up late for the session. Turned out there was a fatality on the highway – a pedestrian was killed while “attempting to cross” the interstate. Now, having worked in the field of mental health for several years before going into corporate speaking, I made the mistake of relating to a few of the early folk that the last time I heard of something like that happening, it wasn’t an accident, but a wilful act on the part of the “pedestrian”. Didn’t that put a damper on the morning! News – especially bad news travels fast. I didn’t realize how that one off-hand comment could set the tone for the day – with everyone suddenly feeling down and low-energy, because of the thought that they may have witnessed a suicide on the highway that morning. I learned my lesson though! Now, I start the day with positive input, and do the same for my seminar participants, because I know that bad news can overshadow your mood for the day.
Ø Making frequent and lengthy stops at the water cooler or coffee machine. Too often an innocent trip to the break room becomes an opportunity for people to carp about the challenges, stressors, and difficult people at your workplace. The more you find yourself getting caught up in those kinds of conversations. And… the more you talk about what is wrong at work, the more stress you will feel. (What you focus on is what you will achieve. Remember this when you get to the chapter on Focus.) Pretty soon, the job you loved to get up for every morning suddenly fills you with dread when the alarm goes off each morning, and before you know it, you are wondering why you ever decided to work here. What changed? The job didn’t – but your RESPONSE to it did. So guard your thoughts and focus on the reasons why you love this job, rather than the reasons everyone else hates it. Watch your attitude, and keep it positive!
Ø Engaging in low energy activity during your high energy times. Make sure you match your activities that require high energy with your peak energy times in order to maximize the use of both your time and energy. More on this when we talk about managing one’s time.
Ø Silently tolerating the boorish behaviour of your belligerent, bullying boss. Trust me – I have been there, and for years I thought that the best way to get through my bosses’ temper tantrums was to sit quietly and wait for the storm to pass over. However, after 60 lbs of weight gain over 2.5 years, two surgeries and 6 weeks of sick leave from one particularly stressful job, I began to re-think my position on how to deal with workplace bullies. Now I take the position that one must be clear about what is acceptable and not acceptable in terms of behaviour and the way one is treated.

I remember when I was on the road teaching the “Exceptional Assistant” program for Pryor Resources, I met some people who were so oppressed by their bosses that they had to ration the amount of water they drank because they were only allowed to use the bathroom at certain times of the day! I met women who put up with so much inappropriate behaviour on a consistent basis, that they had reverted to the same kind of belligerence that they hated, much to their dismay. They had somehow bought into the myth that they had to accept poor treatment at work, because after all, they should be happy they even had a job, right? Remember the list of self-evaluating questions you went through in the chapter, Face Your Fears? Do it again for this situation. You may be surprised at the answers you generate.

It is often hard to stand up to someone who has authority over you, even when you know for certain that they are wrong, but the truth is this. The stress you may feel in the moment of standing up to tyrannical behaviour may be intense in the moment, but the worst thing that can happen is that the behaviour will continue. The best thing that could happen is that your boss might actually realize the impact s/he is having on your ability to perform effectively, and STOP! Remember, no one can hurt your feelings without your permission.

Guess What? There is more to this chapter! Please visit http://www.angersolution.com to download your PRE-ORDER Form so you can be one of the first to get a copy of my new book, Stress Less in 27 Days when it rolls off the presses.

The Self-Awareness Wheel - Part Two in My Response to Anne

As promised to my online students, here is another tool that I have been using recently to explain what happens if we skip some of the steps in processing life's many events. Click on the image to see the full-size version.

What you see in the wheel is what happens when a person with lower self-esteem experiences a "frustration signal" - they will often go from 1 to 2, and then immediately to 6, without truly taking time to respond to the event. Remember E+R=O from part one of this answer...

Very often, prolonged periods of frustration such as what one might experience after a loved one suffers a heart attack, stroke, or is stricken with some other debilitating illness, will contribute to people making poor choices, and forgetting to go through the full cycle. So this is where the TSA model comes in handy. It reminds people of what we need to do when faced with frustrating circumstances.

Think: What is happening? What does it mean? How does this event make me feel? What do I want to see happen? What can I do to get myself as close to my desired outcome as possible?

Say: If the event is important enough to do something about, start be expressing how you feel. (Remember that you must first identify and classify your feelings so that you can express yourself clearly and accurately - in order to avoid minimization or escalation of your frustration). Use assertive language - "I feel... because..." or "I think, I need, I want, I believe..." Take ownership of what is yours - don't blame others for your feelings.

Ask: Ask for a response so you can begin the dialogue that may lead to resolution of the issue. I say that it "MAY" lead to resolution, because you cannot control what other people do or say. All you can do is ask them to participate in the process of resolution. If they choose not to, at least you have expressed yourself so that they are aware of how their behaviour affects you. It is important to note - and I will probably discuss this more in a future blog - that the primary objective of expressing and releasing anger is for the physical and mental health benefits that it affords YOU! You do this so that you don't end up with heart disease or asthma, or cancer or ulcers. If you manage to get your desired outcome - 100%, that is gravy. Again, I'll save that discussion for another blog entry, but it is important to know. Lastly, once you ask for input, you must be ready to listen. Then the process begins again, because the other party may say something that causes you more frustration and the TSA cycle / and the Self Awareness cycle must repeat itself until you achieve resolution of some kind.

Any questions? You know how to find me! Post a comment here on this site, or students from TAPE can contact me via the regular channels as posted on the TAPE site.